


restless

by overwhelmedbysonder



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: An insane amount of storytelling, Artist Dan, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mute Phil, Muteness, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dan, Quiet Phil, Recovery, Sad Phil, Sad Phil Lester, Slow Build, Slow Burn, like so much story telling, music therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-17 01:01:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 67,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9297305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overwhelmedbysonder/pseuds/overwhelmedbysonder
Summary: Breathe.  Just breathe.In.  Out.  In.  Out.  In.It’s not that I don’t try.  I see my family, my friends, visiting with their faked smiles and forced laughter, desperately trying to pretend that things are fine, that nothing’s changed.  I see them and I want to reach out, I want to look at them and smile and reassure them that I’m here and I’m fine and I’m here, but I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.Or, the one where Phil struggles with depression, PTSD and being mute, and Dan just wants to hug him.





	1. Chapter 1

Breathe in. Let it out. In. Out. 

My arms wrap around my knees, rhythmically drumming each finger as I slowly rock back and forth. I see them all around me. Walking, talking. The doctors and the nurses, trying to get me to focus on them long enough to bring me into their world, into reality. But it’s no use. 

In. Out. In. Out. In.

It’s not that I don’t try. I see my family, visiting with their faked smiles and forced laughter, desperately trying to pretend that things are fine, that nothing’s changed. I see them and I want to reach out, I want to look at them and smile and reassure them that I’m here and I’m fine and I’m here, but I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. 

Sometimes I’m not even sure if I am here.

I’m trapped. Not in this room or this hospital, but in my own mind and I run and run and run and I search and I scream but no matter how hard I try I can’t get out and I’m still trapped. So I stop trying and I stare at my lap, at my bed, at my feet, at the white walls, at anywhere but the sad eyes of everyone around me. Sometimes, if I’m feeling brave I will look towards the nurses or the doctors or my family or my friends or whoever else is in here that particular brave day and I will stare at their hair or their hands or their nose or sometimes even their eyebrows. But never at their eyes, even on a brave day I won’t look at their eyes, I can’t and I won’t. I haven’t looked at anyone’s eyes since before because if I did then I would see the disappointment. The disappointment that the boy who laughed and sang and told jokes too loudly and lived wildly and without fear has turned into the boy who can’t live anymore. I’m the boy who hides and the boy who won’t talk and the boy who won’t look and the boy who just can’t do it anymore. Any of it.

Rock back and forth. Back, forth. In. Out. In. Out.

I’m so tired and all I want to do is sleep but I’m so fucking restless and I can’t stay still and I want to jump up and run out of the room and grab someone, anyone, it doesn’t matter who and scream at them that I’m here, I’m here, I’m here, I’m fucking here, but don’t look at me and don’t touch me but I’m here I’m here I’m here but I can’t get up and run out of the room because that would mean staring and people calming me down and touching me and I can’t I can’t I can’t so I sit and I rock and I sit and I rock and I breathe in and out and in and out and I rock and I sit and I breathe and I’m crazy. I must be crazy. Surely I’m crazy. But I’m fine. 

I might be invisible but I’m fine. Just don’t look and don’t touch and don’t try and make me speak and I’m fine. 

I’m so lost. So lost. But I’m fine.   
In. Out. In. Out.


	2. Chapter 2

Lazy pink and golden tendrils of sunlight crept through the high window of the study in Dan Howell’s apartment. Curled up on his stool with his legs tucked underneath him, he balanced precariously while finishing the last few strokes of his latest work sitting atop the easel. Gazing silently into his paint palette and attempting, without much success, to balance his paintbrush on one end, he lowered his legs, swinging them back and forth to regain feeling in them.

It was well past six, and he should probably leave the quiet of his study and make some breakfast, but he couldn’t seem to drag his eyes away from the colours on the palette, slowly combining into a dark violet colour. He turned his head to stare around the room, his gaze drifting from the palette to the bottles and bottles of paint and other finished works that are stacked on the tall shelves littering the walls. He sighed and pulled himself out of his stupor, rubbing his tired eyes as he silently climbed off the stool and padded into the living room, sitting down on the couch and curling his legs back up underneath him. 

His small flat is the clearest definition of home he could ever have imagined, every last bit of it making him feel warm and safe and comfortable. Two years after high school and life was quiet but peaceful for the most part. While still not having more than a handful of friends and spending most of his time watching television shows instead of engaging in the real word, Dan managed to lead a fairly simple life. 

Straight after school has ended, he was lost. His brother had always had a plan, and had gone straight to university after graduation, but Dan still hadn’t had a clue. He had always loved art and music, as much as he tried to hide it in school, and had gone to university simply for the fact that he had nothing better to do, but had quickly realised that it wasn’t for him. Leaving had been one of the best decisions he had made, and while working at the coffee shop around the corner was never going to be his life’s dream, it paid the bills (barely) and gave him enough time to work on his art, conduct music therapy classes and every now and then actually complete commissions for people who liked his work.

His mother had left his father and fled to France to be with a new man and he hated her for it, hated her for not staying for him and Adrian. Dan hadn’t had much contact with her, save a few emails being passed back and forth between the two until he had been informed that she had passed away suddenly, with her new husband by her side. 

Pushing away the unhappy thoughts of his mother and the unrelenting feelings of regret that swirled around in his stomach, Dan sighed again and reached for the cold cup of tea from last night that is sitting on his coffee table. He stared into it, swishing it around so that it nearly sloshed out the side and reluctantly stood up, moving to the kitchen to make a fresh cup.

Hours later, he was writing a short text to Carrie, reassuring her that yes, he has been eating well, and yes, she’s quite welcome to accompany Chris to his flat so they can all see one another. Frankly, it had been far too long since he’d seen his two best friends anyway, nearly marking a whole week without seeing either of them. 

A gentle beep from his laptop stirred him from his thoughts, and he groaned quietly as he lunged for the computer, resting on the coffee table after last night’s browsing session. He ignored the spam emails littering his inbox and pulled open the one from St Andrews hospital expectantly.

 

Mr Howell,

I am writing to you to ask for your advice concerning a patient of mine. I believe an adaption of your music classes you conduct monthly with the children in the oncology ward would be of great assistance regarding her treatment, however I would need to discuss this further with you before confirming it with her parents. If you could make your way to St Andrew’s at your earliest convenience it would be greatly appreciated.

Regards,

Doctor Warren

P.S. Dan, even though I allow you to work from home, I’m still your bloody boss, so don’t blow this off, you absolute tosser! I better see you soon.

Dan grinned at the letter, dropping it on the table and moving to get ready. He isn’t summoned to the hospital often, aside from running the classes with the children in oncology every month and he doesn’t even really mind all that much, so he wasn’t quite sure why his boss always thinks he is going to be difficult. Working as a freelance music therapist for St Andrews had many perks, including working underneath Doctor Warren. 

While he and Chris’s older brother hadn’t been close during the short time when they were both at school together, Doctor Warren had been one of the only professionals who would not only accept him but take him and his work seriously as a music therapist. He had been happy to listen to Dan’s reasoning behind why it should be implemented into the hospital routine and after giving it a go, had been readily willing to bring him back monthly to work with the kids in oncology who enjoyed it. Every now and then he went in and consulted with Doctor Warren about a specific patient in a different ward who might benefit from one on one classes as well, and he couldn’t help but get excited at the prospect that this might be another of those cases. He enjoyed getting to work with the child privately, and being able to really feel like he was making a difference in their lives.

After typing out a quick reply to Doctor Warren, he pulled on his shoes and ran his fingers through his hair, catching a glimpse of the short locks in the mirror. Smoothing down his shirt and finishing doing up his buttons, he grabbed a few of his folders with his (admittedly limited) credentials and studies on his therapy courses, and walked out the door, heading for the underground.

A short journey later, he wandered into the hospital lobby, drumming his fingers on his thighs nervously. He never felt quite comfortable here, despite his staff card and badge, he knew a lot of the workers thought he was some sort of sarcastic, smart ass, angry dickhead and they never fought to hide their feelings towards him.

“Not to worry, Mr Grant, we’ll have you admitted to the general ward in a jiffy, just take a seat over here for me, that’s it, slow and steady…” the nurse trailed off as she laid eyes on Dan entering the lobby. 

“Oh, Mr Howell, is there something I can do for you?” she asked, lowering her eyes slightly as she sat the struggling man down forcefully. 

“I’m meant to be meeting with Doctor Warren today, is it possible you could page him?” he asked, fighting to keep the scowl off his face. She rolled her eyes again and walked away without a second glance, and he blew out his breath and sank into the chair behind him, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment and anger. Minutes later, he felt a hand land on his shoulder and he looked up and grinned at the man.

“Mr Howell, nice of you to join me,” drawled Doctor Warren as Dan turned to face him. “Follow me to my office?”

“Sounds good, doc. You of all people know how I get when I’ve been here for too long. Wouldn’t want to accidently hurt anyone.” Dan deadpanned, grinning inwardly at the look of sheer terror that passed over the nurses face. Doctor Warren shook his head, smiling despite himself as he led Dan to his office.

“Alright, what do you need, old man?” he asked, settling himself into the leather armchair sitting next to the wooden desk. Doctor Warren perched himself on top of it, crossing his arms casually as he laughed ruefully at Dan.

“You mean, you’re here for something other than terrifying the nurses? Besides, I’m only 5 years older than you, Dan. Really, we’re about the same age so I would think twice before calling me old. After all, you’re the one who lives like a hermit. You’re completely mad, you realise this?”

“I’m not mad, I just know that you must have broken into Hogwarts and stolen some De-Aging potions or something because you drink about 8 cups of coffee an hour and more than occasionally forget things, such as the fact that 5 years apart will never be the same age. Therefore, you must be way older than you claim. Also, I’m going to ask a second time, since you’re apparently so old you missed the question and allow me to raise my voice this time for your convenience, what do you need?”

Meetings like these were always a fairly casual affair, and Dan found himself losing track of time as they discussed various ways to work with Doctor Warren’s patient. Working with Doctor Warren was one of the best things he could have hoped for, and he refused to take for granted the way he listened and considered each of Dan’s ideas as if he were an equal. After finally deciding on a plan of action for the patient, he stood up and stretched.

“Alright, Gramps, if that’s all you need me for I shall be off. Places to go, people to scare, you know how it is.”

Doctor Warren winced, knowing full well that the behaviours of other workers in the hospital affected him far worse than he would ever let on. “Don’t let it get to you, Dan. You know you have just as much of a right to be here as anyone else. You’re the best at what you do, I wouldn’t have hired you otherwise.”

“Oh, that’s strange. And here I was sure you hired me for my witty zingers and my charming personality…” Dan trailed off, tapping a finger to his chin thoughtfully. 

Doctor Warren laughed and swatted Dan on the head. “Get out of here, crazy. Thanks again, I’ll let you know how it goes when I speak to her parents.”

Dan wandered out the door, idly wondering if it was possible to receive any more blatantly obvious stares from the two nursers gossiping in the corridors of St Andrew’s. Perhaps if he walked out on his hands, he mused, and allowed himself a small smile at the thought. 

Now grinning madly at the ridiculous mental picture of Chris and Carrie’s faces if he ever answered the door to his flat with his feet while standing on his hands, Dan successfully made his way to the front doors of St Andrew’s before stopping abruptly. He had needed to ask Doctor Warren a question about the class he was teaching next week and he had forgotten all about it. Weighing up the options of either waiting until he got home and emailing him later (knowing full well how hopeless Warren was at reading his emails), or just turning around and asking him now, he quickly made up his mind and sighed again, grumbling to himself as he once again walked past the terrified receptionist. Just for fun, he shot her a quick glare, before supressing an embarrassing giggle at her pale face. 

Honestly, he was in the middle of a crowded hospital, with hundreds of witnesses. What the buggering fuck did she expect him to do?

Walking back into the hallway of offices, he caught a glimpse of Doctor Warren’s brown hair turning through a door at the end of the corridor. Hardly thinking about anything other than getting the answer to his question and then going the hell home, he followed him through the door.

“Doctor Warren, I wanted to ask you…” Dan trailed off as Doctor Warren and another, taller Doctor turned and looked at him. But Dan didn’t notice that, or them, at all. In fact, it was quite possible that a shiny piano could have fallen from the sky with the ghost of Tara from Buffy perched atop it and he wouldn’t have noticed.  
Because, through a wall that was seemingly completely windows, Dan was looking at a black haired blue eyed boy who looked disturbingly like Philip Lester. And Philip Lester was looking straight back at him.


	3. Chapter 3

“He can’t see you,” Doctor Warren said, taking a few steps towards Dan and placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’s a one-sided mirror. He’s staring at himself, not at you.”

Dan blinked. Lester was still there, sitting on the floor in the middle of a large white room with his knees drawn up and his arms clasped around his knees, slowly rocking back and forth. He looked away, and then looked back before blinking again. “That’s… that’s Phil Lester...” he murmured, turning to look at Doctor Warren with a blank expression.

Doctor Warren sighed. “Dan, I wasn’t allowed to tell you-”

“No offense, Howell, but you aren’t even meant to be in here. You’re going to have to sign all sorts of confidentiality waivers now, so well done for that,” The other Doctor told him matter-of-factly, as he dragged a curtain in front of the window, so that Dan couldn’t see Phil anymore. 

“What?!” Dan exclaimed.

“Doctor Nicholas, Dan is an employee here and has been for nearly a year, it shouldn’t be too much of a problem-”

“The parents don’t want anyone to know that Mr Lester is in here, Warren. He can’t just walk around into any old ward like he owns the place-”

Dan turned around to face Doctor Nicholas, his eyes wide. “No, I swear that wasn’t what I was doing. I forgot to ask Doctor Warren a question and so I come back and I tried to call out to him but he walked in here and I just thought it was another office. I didn’t realise it led to the isolation rooms…I won’t tell anyone or say anything, I swear. I’ll sign your forms. But why is he here?”

Doctor Nicholas rolled his eyes. “Look, Howell, I’m not going to answer your questions. It’s none of your business anyway, I’m not going to give answers about a bloody kid to some sarcastic emo guy with not a single caring bone in his body and no real reason to be employed…” he trailed off as Dan inhaled sharply, a hurt look flying across his face.

“Oh shit…Howell, I didn’t-”

Dan turned and walked out of the isolation ward without a second glance, turning briskly into the hallway of offices once more. Fuming, he fought to keep his expression neutral.

“Dan, my office, now.’ He heard Doctor Warren mutter from behind him, and he sighed before turning into the office that he only just vacated.

“Look, I’m sorry, I just needed to get out of there and I know I shouldn’t have gone in but I didn’t think. I’m not going to run to the Facebook group of my graduating class and announce it or anything so you can save me the lecture-”

“Dan, shut up.” Doctor Warren pushed him into the leather armchair and he sat down at his desk. “I’ll tell you what’s going on, you aren’t in trouble. You work here and even though you don’t work in that ward, you have a right to go wherever you want in the hospital, despite what the other idiots in here have to say. It’s not your fault that I was talking to Doctor Nicholas, and it’s not your fault that the curtain was open and you could see Phil, it was just bad timing. Not your fault. So just relax. Okay?”

Dan leant back in his chair and ran his hands over his face. “You don’t have to tell me, you heard him, information like that should only be passed onto actual staff members.”

He winced and ducked as Doctor Warren threw a book from his desk at him. “Oh shut up, you absolute pill, you know that’s exactly what you are.”

They sat in silence for a minute or two before Phil sighed. “Alright, I’ll cave. What’s the deal with Lester?”

Doctor Warren looked at him seriously. “What did you hear about Phil after you both left high school?”

“Nothing! Like, literally nothing. I tried to find him once, to thank him for…you know. But I couldn’t find him, and since then I haven’t really given him a second thought, to be honest. We weren’t exactly the best of friends.”

Doctor Warren laughed. “Yeah, I knew that. Chris wasn’t too fond of him either, from what I’ve heard. You guys were in different groups, were you not?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah. He was a nerd, and I was a bully. Which basically sums it up, but yeah, me and Lester really got underneath one another’s skin.”

Doctor Warren tapped his chin thoughtfully before opening his mouth again.

“Dan, two weeks after graduation, Phil drove his car into a tree.”

Dan gasped, his hands flying up to cover his mouth. Doctor Warren nodded, his mouth setting into a grim line. 

“I’m not sure what happened straight after that, but someone obviously found him and he ended up in intensive care. Phil has a very severe case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression. He was unconscious for the first several months once he was here, and the doctors warned his family that there was a very, very slim chance of him waking up. So naturally, when he first woke, everyone was relieved, but he wasn’t the same as he was before.”

Doctor Warren sighed, leaning back and stretching his legs out in front of him. 

“It took a while but he regained all of his movements, however that’s about all he regained. He hasn’t spoken a word since he’s woken up, and he hasn’t looked at one single person in the eye. He shows absolutely no evidence of being aware of where he is or what’s around him, Dan. Aside from taking himself to the bathroom which took several months for him to be able to do, by the way, and eating the food that is put in front of him, he does nothing. I mean, he walks around the room, but he doesn’t act like a normal person should. No one is really sure what he sees or where he thinks he is.”

“Holy fuck.” Dan let out a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding. Sure, they didn’t get along, but he didn’t deserve this. No one did. 

“I haven’t even told you all of it, though. He freaks out, like, pitches a total fit when someone tries to touch him. Screams like a banshee and runs to the corner of the room, and sits there and shakes for hours before he can calm himself down. But even though he has these panic attacks, he hasn’t cried any actual tears even once since he’s been in here.”

“Doctor Warren, is he one of your patients?” Dan asked.

Doctor Warren shook his head. “I’ve done a heap of tests on him, but nothing shows up. It’s not a sickness doing this. This is purely a boy who was pushed to the limits and had too much weight on his shoulders at too young, and his mind couldn’t cope.”

Dan frowned. “What was so hard for him? Aside from my bullshit”

Doctor Warren’s eyebrows shot up. “Jesus, you don’t know? Apparently he got bullied a hell of a lot. I haven’t heard specific information, but I know he got beat up almost every day, and then he came out and it became even more frequent.”

“Warren, I never hurt him! I swear, I never touched him, I called him a nerd and said some awful things but I swear I would never beat him up, you’ve got to belie-” 

“Woah, Dan! I know. I knew you back then, remember? You couldn’t hurt a fly. Still couldn’t, if I’m honest. No, I’m not talking about the shit you and Chris used to talk to him, I’m talking full on abuse. The few friends that he does have say that he was always sporting a bruise or a black eye from some homophobic asshole. But something happened to do with an ex, which is all I’ve heard. That was what ‘pushed him over the edge’ his friends think, but they’ve never been able to ask him.”

Dan blew out a loud breath and shook his head. “Warren…I never knew. I swear, I never knew.” 

Doctor Warren reached out and put a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “I’m not telling you this so you can beat yourself up over it, Dan. I don’t think it was very common knowledge. He had it rough though. And now they’re wanting me to do another examination of him, even though we all know this isn’t a sickness doing this. I think they are grasping at straws, to be honest. It’s getting to the point where if progress isn’t made he might have to get moved to a different hospital where they have more staff trained to deal with this sort of behaviour. We’ve tried everything to bring him back into the present, and nothing has even made the slightest difference.”

Dan frowned. “Do people see him?” 

“Yeah, all the time. His family is always here, like, a few times a week. I don’t know if you remember them, but PJ and Louise come by at least once a week, if not more. I’ve met with them a few times. Some others come through as well, but I don’t know their names. But they may as well not bother, I really don’t know if he even notices.”

Dan exhaled, running his fingers through his hair. “That’s actually really awful. Like, he seemed so happy. That’s awful.”

Doctor Warren leaned forward. “Dan, I know you guys didn’t really get along. But you need to keep this quiet, otherwise both of our jobs are on the line. Okay?”

Dan sighed. “We didn’t get along, but… he saved my life, Warren. I’ll never forget that day, you know? Those boys were dunking my head in the lake and I couldn’t breathe, and every time they brought me up all I could hear was them laughing about drowning me until another annoying word couldn’t come out of my mouth. They were holding me under for so long, and these black spots came into my eyes, and then the next thing I know I’m free and I’m getting dragged out of the water, and it was him. He stood and whacked me on the back as I coughed, and then as soon as I looked up to thank him he was gone. I never brought it up again except for when I came to your house with Chris because my parents weren’t home and I lost my key in the water. I just pretended it never happened. But then I tried to find him, just to thank him and apologise, you know? But no one could give me any information whatsoever on where the hell he went. That makes a lot more sense now, though…”

Dan sighed. He hated talking about that day, and Warren patted his shoulder sympathetically. “If I had known, I would have..”

Doctor Warren nodded. “I know. Sometimes people don’t know how to ask for help until it’s too late, Dan. I know you would have.”

Dan looked at his hands, clasped together and shaking slightly. He thought he was over Lester, honestly. It’s been years. But truthfully, he’s never really gotten over Lester. He appeared almost every night in his nightmares, some nights watching Dan and leaving him to die at the hands of the boys that told him his annoying sounding voice needed to be shut up forever, and then other nights saving him but staring at him with a hatred burning in his eyes. To be honest, sometimes he didn’t know which nightmare was worse.

A knock at the door stirred him from his thoughts and he turned to see Doctor Nicholas standing there with a sheepish look on his face. Dan looked away, trying his best to supress his scowl as he crossed his arms.

“Look, Doctor Nicholas, I’m not going to say anything to anyone, so don’t let it bother your pretty little head, yeah?” 

Doctor Nicholas shook his head. “Howell, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said, I just wasn’t thinking. I know you’re a good employee and Warren says you really make a difference. So, I’m very sorry. I was out of line.” 

“Doctor Nicholas…” Dan stood up suddenly, an idea forming in his head and a look of determination on his angular features. “I understand, and it’s fine. But look…” he trailed off, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples briefly.

“Lester saved my life. He didn’t have to, but he did and he didn’t even hesitate. Or if he did, I didn’t realise…I was underwater, but he can’t have hesitated much, because any longer and I think I would have died. And I wanted to thank him for it, but I could never find him, obviously because he was here, but I didn’t know that, and-”

“The point, Dan? That is, assuming you have one, and you aren’t just rambling because living alone for so long has driven you into the grips of insanity...” Doctor Warren interrupted.

Dan frowned at his boss for a second, before letting the jibe go and turning to face Doctor Nicholas.

“Let me see him. Please.”


	4. Chapter 4

Doctor Nicholas shook his head almost immediately. “Howell, that’s just not a possibility, I’m sorry-”

“Doctor Nicholas, please! I don’t see how it would hurt. It’s not like he can get any worse and…I just want to see him so I can thank him and move on with my life, you know?”

“Dan, only approved people can see Phil anyway, and his parents are away on a holiday right now…” At Dan’s confused look, Doctor Warren explained.

“They make all medical decisions for him and ultimately sign off on who is allowed in to see him… and I’m assuming they won’t be overly excited to grant you visitation rights. You’re just going to have to forget you even saw him and move on, okay?” 

He pondered that for a moment before sighing in resignation. There was no way he was getting past Lester’s family, he was sure they had heard enough about him to never want him to set foot in this hospital again. And if they were accepting, he didn’t want to try and cross the older brother. He liked his genitals exactly how they are, thank you very much.

“Okay, I see your point. Good luck with Lester, Doctor Nicholas.”

Moving to the doorway, he briefly shook Doctor Warren’s hand before walking out of the door and heading down the hallway. 

“Oh for God’s- Howell! Come back a second, yeah?”

Dan groaned in exasperation and turned around, stomping back into the room. “Do you realise how many fucking times I have tried to leave this hospital today?! Too many, is the answer to that rhetorical question.”

Doctor Warren smiled ruefully at his antics, as Doctor Nicholas waved him into his leather armchair once more. “Warren, did you tell him everything about Phil?” Doctor Warren nodded, looking slightly bemused at the strange meeting going on in his office.

“Howell, as you know, we’ve tried everything to get through to Phil. We’ve tried photos, friends, prized possessions, photos of his old bloody hamster. And nothing has made even the slightest amount of difference whatsoever. But one thing we haven’t really tried, that just might strike a chord with him, is an enemy.” Doctor Nicholas finished, looking closely at him.

Dan inhaled sharply. “I wasn’t really his enemy, though. I mean, I don’t love the guy, and I’m never going to be have a Phil Lester Fan Club membership card, but I certainly don’t hate him anymore. It was a silly rivalry back in high school. And I’m not going to pretend that I do just for an experiment.”

Doctor Nicholas shook his head. “I’m not saying that all, Howell. You don’t have to act like you used to, just seeing you might make some sort of an impact on him. I’m not sure it will, of course, but it can’t hurt to try if you’re willing? I’m sure Mrs Lester will forgive me for letting you in there once, just to try it. But you have to understand, Howell, Phil’s not… its one thing to hear about it, but seeing him so unresponsive can be pretty depressing. He’s there, but he’s not really there there, and you need to be prepared for that, okay?”

Dan frowned. “If I do get through to him like you’re hoping, what are you expecting to happen?”

“I’m not really sure. It could be anything from him looking at you or making a sound, to something as small as a change in his breathing or body language. You don’t have to worry about that though, we’ll send a nurse in with you to worry about that sort of thing. You can just go in there and say thank you and whatever else you wanted to say to him, and we’ll just monitor it. Truthfully, it’s extremely doubtful anything will happen, but if you want to go, we may as well explore all of our ideas…”

Dan looked down carefully, masking his face into a neutral expression as he took the information in. Seeing Lester again after all this time was somewhat terrifying, even though a few minutes earlier he had been asking for it. He looked up at Doctor Nicholas’ hopeful face and sighed softly.

“Alright then, let’s do this. Now, or later?”

About 10 minutes after, he was waiting next to desk in the isolation ward, fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt as he rocked back and forth on his heels. Doctor Nicholas appeared from behind the desk with a young nurse next to him. 

“Howell, this is Nurse Alison. She is Phil’s supervising nurse and spends a lot of time working with him. She’s going to go in with you today.”

She looked up at him as she leafed through a pile of paperwork cradled in her arms. “Alright, Howell, he’s pretty restless today, so don’t let that rattle you. Don’t stare at him for too long at a time, it upsets him and can send his heart rate skyrocketing, which can lead to a panic attack. This is not ideal. We will avoid these at all costs. Don’t get too close to him, don’t raise your voice, absolutely no sudden movements while we’re in there, and don’t touch him unless you want me to cut your manhood off with a rusty spatula. Ready?”

Dan blinked. “Fuck. Yep.” 

She laughed and started walking towards a white door, waving at Dan to follow her. 

Taking a deep breath and feeling bizarrely like he was walking into a warzone, he squared his shoulders and walked into the room.

His first thought was how sad it was that someone, and he’s going to guess it was Pentland, had gone to so much effort to turn this isolation room into a homely environment. There was a bed with a dark blue cover sitting in the far right corner, with two bedside tables on either side. Perched on top of the tables were several photographs of an array of kids Dan recognised from school and photos of other, more seemingly random things, like the galaxy and dogs.

In the middle of the room a large couch sat facing the wall with several armchairs scattered around it. Thick grey carpet rugs were spread around and almost covered the entire floor of the room, and two bookshelves sat along the left wall. A door was which Dan guessed let to a bathroom was also on the left wall. And in front of the couch, sitting on the floor cross-legged was the boy himself.

“Hello again, Phil! I’ve brought a visitor with me this time, he’s going to come and sit in front of you, okay?” Doctor Alison chirped, moving to one of the armchairs and sitting down in it. Dan stood frozen at the door as he took in Lester.

Lester stared at the white wall in front of him, not even moving a muscle or blinking an eyelid at Nurse Alison’s voice. He rocked back and forth steadily and his hands sat on his thighs as he drummed his fingers against the grey pyjama pants he was dressed in. 

Howell’s face was thin and pale, his lips pressed together tightly as if to keep his unspoken words from spilling out. His jet black hair was messier than ever, his fingernails were bitten down to the stubs and his glasses were crooked on his face. Frankly, he looked a right mess, and Dan almost couldn’t believe it was the same prat that had been the bane of his existence for nearly all of their schooling life. 

Inhaling deeply, he padded across the room and, at Nurse Alison’s raised eyebrows and encouraging, if not impatient nods of the head, slowly sank down to the ground a few feet away from Lester carefully looking at couch behind him.

“Hey, Lester…” he murmured, feeling stupidly embarrassed when he heard his voice shake. 

He pointedly ignored Nurse Alison’s undisguised snort and composed himself, steadfastly staring at the couch.

“I don’t really know why I wanted to come in here…I work here now – well, not here here but in the some of the other wards. I do music therapy now, like Mr Fritz used to do before he taught at the school. You remember that? I kind of enjoy it actually, except remember how Mr Fritz said he was so oily because he was constantly at the hospital surrounded by kids who sneezed on him all the time? Well I was worried I would end up all greasy like Mr Fritz was, but I haven’t even noticed being the slightest bit more shiny and it’s been a while now…So I think Fritz must have just had really oily skin or something? But there’s so many creams to dry up your pores, perhaps I should have told him about some, although surely he would have known it already. I suppose that maybe he liked it? Holy shit, that’s a weird kink to have… Oh fuck, that’s not an image which should be in my brain…” he trailed off, feeling more and more ridiculous and weirdly vulnerable the more he rambled on.

“Anyway, moving hastily along, I found out you were in here and I wanted to come and see you…I actually tried to find you after high school, but I couldn’t find you…obviously because you were…well, here.”

Trying to ignore the restless rocking, drumming and fidgeting that made Lester look like he was having a mini-seizure, Dan sighed and shifted his eyes downwards, tracing random loops on the floor as he continued.

“Lester, I tried to track you down because I wanted to say thank you. For, you know, that day at the lake. It was all so crazy and I was… well, I was a bit of a prick to you, and I’m not saying you weren’t to me as well, but frankly I didn’t deserve for you to come back. If the situation was reversed, I don’t know that I would have… you know. I like to think that I would have. But I might have been too scared, but you’re clearly a much better person than I will ever be, and you did. And so… thanks, Lester. Really.”

He risked glancing quickly at Lester and drew in a sharp breath. While his behaviour and appearance easily put him in the ‘crazy’ category of Dan’s mind, his eyes were the one part of him that were perfectly still. He stared resolutely at the wall, not wavering once. His eyes were still as impossibly blue and green and yellow as he remembered but not as bright, instead they were dull and lifeless.

Sitting in silence for several minutes, Dan was fighting the urge to get up and run from the room. He was clueless as to what part of him had ever thought that this would be a good idea, and was in the middle of cursing himself when a thought struck him.

If his and Lester’s situations were reversed, and he was the one stuck in a white room with nothing but white walls and a white door to stare at and no one except boring family and annoying, insanely bubbly friends visiting him, he would want someone, anyone, to talk to him about something interesting. Except, the problem was that he didn’t really have anything interesting happen to him anymore, and he doubted Lester would be interested in hearing about his artwork. 

Thinking back to when he was sick at home when he was younger, he remembered his mother telling him countless stories. Losing himself in another world was the easiest thing he could do, and before he knew it, he was feeling better. Ignoring the obvious differences between the two situations, Lester clearly not being 8 years old and clearly not suffering a stomach bug, he made up his mind and tipped his head back, closing his eyes and leaning back on his hands.

“Before I started working here, I avoided this place like the plague. The last time I was here I was 13 years old, and it was Christmas Day. You remember my friend Carrie? She was staying at my house over Christmas because her parents jetted off to Paris for a romantic getaway, and she refused to stay with her aunty that she had seen twice in her life before. Anyway, my parents had told us to go to bed on Christmas Eve but neither of us were tired, both too wound up and excited for presents the next day. So we started playing Truth or Dare, but the truth’s got boring very quickly considering we were 13 and grew up basically joined at the hip, we had no secrets, you see. So we started daring one another to do stupid things.”

He risked another look at Lester, who was still staring at the wall, seemingly oblivious to his story. Sighing, he looked down, clasping his hands together as he smiled at the memory.

“The dares were getting pretty boring as well, and I was getting really tired, but I would never give in to a girl. So we kept daring one another, until she took it to the next level. She dared me to jump off our staircase. So, we went out and stood at the staircase, and I climbed up and jumped off. However, it was dark and I was tired and not really thinking straight, and I forgot that the Christmas tree was sitting directly underneath the top of the stairs. I landed on the tree, and brought it crashing down, with the glass ornaments shattering all over me and the floor. Which, now that I think about it, is a ridiculously funny mental picture, but don’t worry, I’m not offended that you aren’t laughing. Your sense of humour has obviously been affected as well as your voice box.”

Dan ignored the warning look shot at him by Nurse Alison and continued speaking.

“So anyway, both Carrie and I panicked that my parents had heard and were going to find out that we weren’t in bed, and we didn’t want them to take any of our presents away. So she pulled me up and we ran back up the stairs to hide in our room. But, as I was running, I tripped on the stairs and twisted my ankle. So, I crawled the rest of the way up, got into bed, and hid in there, sobbing like a baby while Carrie begged me to shut up. She had a really big present, taller than us at the time, waiting for her from her parents, you see.”

“Long story short, the next morning my parents had already cleaned up the tree. They came up to wake us and found Carrie, asleep at the foot of my bed and me, still crying, covered in gashes from the ornaments and dried blood with an ankle facing the wrong direction. All I could do was beg them to carry me downstairs so I could open my presents first before they brought me here, but they wouldn’t. I spent the entire day miserable, with Carrie swearing at me for not being better at running when my parents weren’t listening. It sucked. And I never came back here until I started working for Doctor Warren.”

Dan sat in silence for a second. “Shit, that probably wasn’t the best story to tell. That was super depressing and now I have an overwhelming urge to rip open as many presents as I possibly can. Still, at least you have that wonderful mental image of me with a Christmas tree basically up my arse to keep you company through the cold nights.” He mused, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

Nurse Alison laughed at him. “Alright, storyteller, I’ve got to head back out to my desk. Let’s get going.” She told him, shaking her head slightly to let Dan know the reaction they were hoping for hadn’t occurred. He sighed and sat up straighter.

“Well, thanks for listening, Lester. I hope you get better soon so that you get out of this miserable place. If you work up the courage to break out, send me a smoke signal or something and I’ll help sneak you out of the wards.” Leaning forwards, he looked one more time at Lester, something snapping inside of him as he allowed his overwhelming feelings of sadness and regret for the other man to show. “Thank you, for saving me. I’ve never forgotten it and I never will.”

Moving to stand up, two things happened that made him freeze, pushed halfway up from the floor.

First, Lester abruptly moved his eyes from staring at the wall to looking at the floor, seeming almost sad. At what, Dan wasn’t sure. Sad that he had saved him? Sad that Dan admitted to thinking about it? Or, though surely not, sad that Dan was leaving?

But those thoughts were halted suddenly. Because when Lester looked down, as Dan made to stand up, he saw Lester’s hand reach out towards him and clench into a fist, before falling impossibly fast back to the ground.

Almost as if he was reaching out for Dan to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Thanks so much to everyone who has left kudos and reviewed this fic, it means a lot! Sorry for the long wait between chapters, I've been on holiday and figured I'd post the first few chapters before I went to see how it went! Updates will be regular, every Monday night (however, keep in mind that I'm Australian, so thats sometime Sunday night/Monday morning for international readers). Thanks so much and don't forget to let me know how you like the chapters! 
> 
> Taylah


	5. Chapter 5

He looked up at Nurse Alison, still frozen, half-crouched on the ground. “Did you see that?” he asked, somewhat breathlessly. She frowned at him. “See what?”

He turned back to Lester, who had drawn his knees up and had his arms looped around them, rocking back and forth much faster than before. He shook his head and stood up. “Nothing…I just…”

Nurse Alison looked at him, somewhat confused as he walked stiffly towards her, now shaking his head tightly and gesturing to the door. “Goodbye, Lester. And thank you, again.”

She frowned again. “I’ll be back in a few hours with your dinner, Phil. See you then, love!” she called, walking out of the room dragging Dan along with her by his wrist.

The door swung closed behind them as Doctor Warren and Doctor Nicholas came into view. Doctor Nicholas smiled at him. “Don’t sweat it Howell, it was doubtful it would work anyway. Thanks for sticking it out though, it can get uncomfortable talking to yourself, hey?”

Shaking his head, Dan started pacing back and forth. “There was something, though! Not until we were about to leave, and I was thanking him for everything. And when I finished, he looked down really quickly, and at the exact same time he kind of…reached his hand out and made like, a grabby hand towards me! I know that sounds completely bizarre but I’m not making it up, I swear!” 

Doctor Nicholas blinked as he looked at the Nurse. “Alison, did you notice anything? I didn’t see anything from out here, and I was watching the whole time.”

She shook her head. “Not really. He did look down, which was a little weird because the whole time we were in there he didn’t move his eyes once. I didn’t see him move his hand though, but Dan definitely did. He asked me straight away and I swear he went even paler than Phil is, which really just shouldn’t be possible.”

Dan stuck his tongue out at the brown haired Nurse as she turned on her heel and walked away.

Doctor Nicholas frowned. “Well, you might be crazy. It might have just been a reflex muscle movement, or a complete coincidence, or maybe he was so mad at seeing you he wanted to hurt you. Or maybe, maybe, he didn’t want you to leave. Regardless… how do you feel about seeing him again?”

The next day, he found himself leaning against the tree in front of St Andrew’s, panting heavily as he leant his head back and closed his eyes. Fuck, he had to get better at walking up the hill to the hospital if this was going to be a regular occurrence!

Shaking his head, he caught himself. No, Dan… he told himself ruefully, smiling as his mental voice sounded eerily like his Mother. This wasn’t going to be a regular occurrence at all. He didn’t even like Lester, for fucks sake… he had to get a grip.

Lost in his own thoughts, he barely even noticed the snickering voices from the workers around him when he walked in the second day in a row. Being used to only seeing him once a month, twice in as many days was clearly enough to convince several people that the world was ending. Wandering past Doctor Warren’s office, he briefly stuck his head in and smiled.

“You know, I should probably be annoyed that when you work for me, you come in only ever when I ask, and yet you’re here two days in a row to see Phil bloody Lester.” He murmured dryly, not even looking up from his paperwork.

Dan rolled his eyes and shot him the bird, walking out and into the staff entry to the isolation ward at the end of the hall. Doctor Nicholas was seated behind the desk, talking to a group of nurses as he waved to Dan. “Won’t be long, Howell, take a seat,” he called.

Dan sighed and moved to the armchairs positioned along the back wall, staring at the door which he knew led to Lester. He couldn’t help but wish that the curtain in front of the one-sided mirror was pulled back, just so he could see him – oh, for the love of God, you don’t even like him, Dan! He told himself sternly.

Doctor Nicholas approached him. “You don’t mind this, do you, Howell?”

He shook his head almost immediately. “No, I don’t… I owe him this. He saved my life, I owe it to him to try this one more time.”

Moments later, Nurse Alison joined them. “I have to tell you, Howell, I cannot freaking wait to hear what exciting story you’re going to share with the class today. I mean, I’m almost wetting myself in anticipation.” She deadpanned, staring at him with a straight face.

He raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m glad you’ve been thinking about me, Nurse Alison. I can only hope I live up to your expectations…” he followed her towards the door as Doctor Nicholas laughed. “Have fun, you two! Don’t kill one another!”

Laying eyes on Lester, Dan sucked in a breath. Sat in the middle of his bed, Lester looked more restless and shaky then yesterday. He once again had his knees drawn up to his chest and he was rocking backwards and forwards so much Dan was shocked he wasn’t toppling over. Instead of his hands being tightly clasped around his legs, however, they were running through the hair at the nape of his neck, using so much pressure his skin was red. 

“Hello, Phil! Dan’s come back again today, he’s going to come and sit just in front of your bed, okay? Dan, just pull one of those chairs over.”

Rolling his eyes, he moved to grab a chair. “Yes, your highness…” he muttered, smiling brightly as she scowled at him. Sitting down, he locked his eyes on Lester’s pillow.

“Hello again, Lester. I’m hoping you liked my story yesterday, because I’ve got another one for you today, except this one includes a baby goat, Chris Kendall and an acorn. Get comfortable, yeah?”

As he told his story, he flicked his eyes to Lester several times, and was dismayed to see no change in his erratic behaviour. It was disturbing, seeing Lester so out of control. Surely all that fidgeting must tire him out? 

Once again, Lester’s eyes were the one part of him that were completely still, not moving even the slightest amount even at Dan’s extravagant hand gestures. He didn’t let it deter him, though, and he finished his story, barely pausing to take a breath before launching into the next one. 

He was about halfway through retelling the time he snuck a young kitten into his bedroom without his parents noticing, only to find out that he was allergic when he noticed that there was only one window in Lester’s room. How fucking depressing. Poor guy.

Daring another look at Lester’s eyes, he felt a wave of sadness overwhelm him. The blue orbs just looked so fucking lost, and Dan felt something inside him snap. This isn’t fair, this room, this life, it’s not what Lester deserved. Even though they didn’t get along, Dan wasn’t fucking stupid. He knew that Lester was one of the nicest people out there to everyone but Dan and his group of friends, and he didn’t deserve this, especially not after risking his own ass to save Dan. And it was at that moment he knew he was in way too deep, and it was way too late to get out. 

He was going to do whatever he had to do to help him.

He bid Lester farewell, waiting anxiously for another hand gesture as he cautiously stood up, but it never came. Disappointed, he walked towards the door.

“Toodles, Phil! Be back in a couple of hours, sweet pea!” Nurse Alison chirped, following him out of the room.

Doctor Nicholas was waiting for them, and placed a hand heavily on Dan’s shoulder. “It was obviously just a coincidence, kid. Don’t sweat it. Thanks for giving it another shot, though.” 

Shaking his head, Dan pushed the hand off him. “Let me try again, please, Doctor Nicholas. I want to help…I owe him this, just let me try again?” he asked. 

“Howell, you don’t even like him. You’ve made that perfectly clear. You don’t owe him anything else, you tried and that’s all anyone can ask.”

Dan shook his head. “No…please, Doctor Nicholas.” He looked him dead in the eye, sounding breathless and desperate and not giving a flying fuck. “It’s…” he looked down, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“It’s not just about owing him… I want to help him. I don’t know why, and I don’t know if I even can, but I want to try. It’s not fair, and I just…I want to. Please.” He finished softly, his eyes burning holes in the ground.

It was silent for a moment, and then Doctor Nicholas sighed. “You’re a giant softie underneath all those sarcastic, smartass comments, aren’t you Howell? I had you pegged all wrong. I’m sorry for that.” He said, placing his hand on Dan’s shoulder again.

“Everyone that sees him needs to be signed off by his next of kin, who are out of the country currently. I have permission to send in a colleague if I think it might be helpful, which is why I could let you in yesterday. His friends could normally give an okay as well, but I know Louise and Pj, and they would leave all decisions for his parents anyway. And today, I can get away with, because of his unusual reaction when you saw him last… But Howell, any other times I will get slaughtered for.”

Dan exhaled loudly, blinking back the hot tears that sprang to his eyes before looking up and nodding. Don’t be an idiot, idiot. Fuck, crying over Lester?

Doctor Nicholas sighed, and turned to look at the door that led to Lester, before looking back at Dan, eyes blazing. 

“You’ve got until the end of the week. That’s 4 days, Howell. And then that’s it. If there’s no progress, no more until they get back, which won’t be for another 2 weeks after that, and you can appeal to them. Got it?”

Dan looked at him, nodding fiercely as he looked at the door. “Yes. Thank you, Doctor Nicholas. I appreciate it more than you know.”

Doctor Nicholas laughed. “Believe it or not, I get it. Phil’s easy to get attached to. Just don’t get your hopes up, yeah?”

Turning, he walked back to the desk.

“Hey Howell! If I get fired for this and lose my job, income, and then my house, I will be kicking you out of yours and staying there, because I refuse to ‘bunk’ with you. Just so you know.”

Exhilarated at being allowed to see Lester again, Dan laughed exuberantly and nodded as he strode out of the ward, already thinking about how many stories he could fit in to 4 days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it's a day late because my internet was down. I'm sorry!


	6. Chapter 6

“Good god, Lester. You’re a right state today. Try and sit still so I can focus on my excellent story, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Nurse Alison shot him a warning look as Dan kept his eyes fixated on Lester’s fists, which were clenching and unclenching sporadically. His bare feet did the same, scrunching his toes and relaxing them before starting all over. 

Desperately trying to keep his voice engaging and light, he risked a glance at Lester’s eyes. Dull and completely frozen, locked on the white wall in front of him, he looked as lost as ever. Not for the first time, he wished he could see what Lester was seeing or hear what Lester was hearing. 

He wasn’t really sure why he continued to share stories from his past with Lester. Maybe it was the fact that he really didn’t know what else he could say in the silent, white room. The only thread of hope Dan was holding on to was that by giving Lester something else to listen to and think about, he might forget about his pain or fear for long enough to find his way back to reality.

Frankly, he had no idea if that even made sense, but it was all he had and he was going for it.

“Now, loser, for this story it’s probably best if you can try to remember how good looking Nicholas Highson was when he was in high school. Once you’ve remembered that, picture that if that’s how he was as a pubescent teenager, how fucking adorable he was at 4 years old. That will help you understand how he convinced my Mother to buy us that sodding unicycle anyway…”

 

“Alright, Lester. I thought you might enjoy a story about the time I got lost in a shopping centre, mostly because it involves me, weeping hysterically like an infant who lost his bottle at 10 years old. But also, and please know I am only retelling this awful moment because I think you will get a kick out of it… it involves me, blubbering like an idiot and then getting found and assisted, by none other than your lovely Pentland clan. I can still remember Louise’s laughing face. It was, without a doubt, the most horrific moment of my life. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me go back to the start…”

Dan’s mouth started moving automatically, retelling the story that was burned into his brain as he watched Lester. He seemed somewhat calmer today then the last few days, still sitting and rocking but not as erratically as Dan had seen. His hands rubbed up and down his thighs as he sat cross-legged in front of the couch, staring at the door to the bathroom.

Whilst he kept trying to stay focussed on his story, he couldn’t help but be a little bemused at Lester’s staring at something other than the wall in front of him and his lap.

“And my mother was trying to get Mrs Richardson to re-size my new shoes, but I just kept staring at the poor little dog sitting outside and so I snuck out to grab him… I was an animal lover, back in the day if you hadn’t noticed, and Lester, for fucks sake, if you need to go to the bathroom just go. I won’t be offended.”

He waited with bated breath as Lester didn’t even falter in his rocking, his gaze unmoving on the door. Dan sighed.

“So then I followed the dog away from the shop and got horrendously lost, and then the dog turned on me and ran away, the little shit…”

 

Walking up that fucking hill everyday was truly taking a toll on Dan, and he found himself bent over, hands on his knees and swearing as he fought to catch his breath and calm his heartbeat. 

He was already exhausted after entertaining both Chris and Carrie the night before, the latter of which who had shown a surprising amount of perceptiveness and had spent the whole visit interrogating Dan, trying to find out why he was smiling more often than normal. (Dan was certain that she had been following him and knew something was up, because there was no way that he looked any different, especially looking happier because of Lester’s company). 

He had fought off her questions as best he could, wanting to tell them about where and with whom he had been spending most of his time but knowing he could possibly be murdered for giving out any unauthorised information surrounding Lester. 

Dan got his breathing under control and started walking towards St Andrew’s, easily ignoring the staring, whispers and the one woman in the corner who just about shit her pants on the spot at the sight of him. 

He only had two visits left before Doctor Nicholas was locking him out of the ward until Lester’s parents got back, and he knew that may as well mean he would never get back in. It was one thing for Doctor Nicholas to realise that Dan meant well. It was a whole other thing, however, for his parents to forget how much he and Lester hated one another for years.

Having a deadline made him all the more anxious, desperately wanting to find something, anything that let him know that Lester was still in there. He couldn’t help but feel somewhat connected to the black haired man, after sharing story after story of his childhood with him. Although Nurse Alison heard these stories as well, she had only heard them by default because she had to be in the room with them both. While Dan enjoyed her witty comments more and more with each day, he didn’t feel any sort of connection with her like he felt with Lester. 

Moving through the hospital, he couldn’t help the anxious feelings that grew in his stomach. He wanted to get lost in Lester’s world, find where he was hiding and what he was so afraid of. He wanted to give Lester another world to get lost in, Dan’s world, so that he could to lead him back into reality. He wanted to see a spark of life in his eyes or to see him sitting completely calmly. He wanted Lester to look at him. And he didn’t know where these feelings came from, but they were there and they were stronger than he knew feelings could be.

He paused barely long enough to shout a hello to Doctor Warren, who looked at him and rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable, Dan. You hate this place and you supposedly hate him. I don’t understand you in the slightest. Good luck today, enjoy your trip down memory lane.”

Dan grinned at him before giving him a quick two fingered salute and moving away from the door.   
“If you’re coming here tomorrow, bring me some lunch, save me having to walk all the way down the cafeteria when you go straight past, you lazy git!” Doctor Warren shouted down the corridor.

Dan chuckled, turning into the ward. 

“Howell. Come and take a seat over here, I need to speak to you quickly,” Doctor Nicholas told him, gesturing at the empty chair next to him. 

Taking a seat, Dan waited impatiently as the Doctor took one last sip of tea and placed it on the desk.

“Howell, yesterday, after you left, Nurse Alison came out with you, as you know. But she had forgotten to check Phil’s vitals and levels, which we do each time we enter the room. They need to be closely monitored, you see.”

“But when Alison entered Phil’s room again, he was in the bathroom… and there was a wet patch on the floor…” the Doctor trailed off.

Dan frowned. “So… he wet himself?” 

“Yes. It’s something that hasn’t happened since he first woke up, not once. And Alison said that he had been staring at the bathroom door the entire time you were there...”

“So…I’m making things worse.” He said softly, looking at his lap. 

Doctor Nicholas considered this. “Possibly. But I don’t think so, Howell.” He leant forward.

“It’s possible he has regressed, although unlikely, as it hasn’t happened since. What I believe is that he was listening to you speaking, and was either too caught up in what you were saying to realise that he needed the bathroom, or he realised but he didn’t want to miss out on your story.”

“Once again, it could just be a coincidence. It could very well be nothing. Or it could be something. I really don’t know, Howell. But I just thought you would like to know.”

Dan nodded, sending the Doctor an appreciative smile before standing and joining Nurse Alison at the desk. 

“You heard what happened, then?” she asked him, not even looking up from the tray of medications she was arranging. 

Dan nodded. “I don’t want to make things worse… Doctor Nicholas said he doesn’t think I am, but…”

Nurse Alison cut him off. “I don’t think you are either, Dan. It could have just been a coincidence. But maybe today reassure him that if he needs to walk around to stretch his legs, or go to the bathroom, you’ll press pause on the story and wait for him to return?”

Dan nodded, starting to feel a little more hopeful. Surely if two of Lester’s carers thought he was making a difference, he must be having some sort of positive impact? He followed Nurse Alison into the room absentmindedly, thinking about the best way to approach this.

Lester was sitting on the large couch, staring determinedly at his lap as he rocked and drummed his fingers. 

“Hello there, four-eyes. Surely you must get queasy, what with all the rocking you do? No? Alright then.” 

He sank into an armchair next to Lester, crossing his legs and leaning his head in his hands.

“Lester, sometimes my legs get sore from sitting still for so long, so if they do I’m going to stand up and walk around to stretch them. And I’ll stop my story, but start it again when I sit down. And if you need to do the same, stretch your legs or go to the bathroom or even if you have the overwhelming urge to do a handstand, I’ll wait until you sit down and resume your fitful rocking before I start again, okay?”

Lester made absolutely no indication that he had heard him. Dan sighed.

“Alright, Lester…have you ever heard of a weird game called Bocce? I got my first Bocce set when I was 6…”

 

Dan paused outside of the isolation ward, feeling oddly terrified. It was his sixth day of visiting Lester, and he knew that if there was no change today, it would more than likely be the last time he ever saw Lester again. Not only would they put a stop to it, but he definitely wouldn’t put it past Pentland and that PJ to have him killed when they found out from Lester’s parents that Dan had been buddying up with their best friend since they had been away. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t stupid, and he knew there was very little chance of Lester making any progress in six days, and there was even less of a chance that Dan would be the one who instigated that progress. He was annoyed at himself for getting his hopes up, because frankly, why in the name of fucking God would he be able to fix Lester?

Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his left arm absently before pushing open the door and walked into the ward. He waved a brief hello to Doctor Nicholas who nodded back at him, and met Nurse Alison at the door to Phil’s room.

“You’re late,” she muttered, attempting to hold her paperwork with one hand and retie her hair back with the other.

Dan grabbed the paperwork off her while she shot him a grateful look. “I know. Sorry. Shall we go?”

Lester was sitting cross-legged on the floor and rubbing his hands up and down his thighs. His wild hair was sticking up in all directions and his blue eyes stared resolutely at the white wall in front of him, his glasses perched crookedly on his nose.

“Hello, Lester. I would love to know what is so interesting about that wall, but I guess you keep your cards close to your chest, hey?”

He heard Nurse Alison stifle a laugh and he grinned. “That’s a ridiculous phrase, Lester. Nurse Alison taught me that one the other day. She’s full of fun little quirks and sayings, isn’t she?” 

She rolled her eyes and flipped him the bird as he settled himself on the floor in front of Lester.

“So, Lester, I thought a story about me getting in absolute fuckloads of trouble would tickle your fancy. And yes, that is also an Alison saying, before you ask.” He winked at Nurse Alison who rolled her eyes again and turned pointedly away from him.

“Right. Moving hastily along and back to my story. When I was 10 years old, I had Chris staying at the house for a week. We had two other friends come over for a sleepover one of those nights, and we were all at the age where we were interested in being strong and having muscles, you know how it is. So we had a competition, where we all were just lifting random objects around my house to see who the strongest was, and Chris and I lost to them, which really should come as no surprise as we were scrawny little shits. So later, when we all went to bed, Chris and I made a plan.”

He looked up through his lashes at Lester, who was still fixated on the wall. Sighing, he resigned himself to looking back at his lap, finishing his story and walking out of this room a failure. 

“We decided that the next day we would drink one of my father’s energy drinks. Both Chris and I were delusional, obviously, and we figured drinking that would give us all the power we needed to lift something ridiculously heavy and look amazingly strong.”

“So the next day, we gave our friends some silly excuse and trotted upstairs, where we knew my father kept his stash of energy drinks. We got a few and ran into another room to drink them. We started getting really silly then, we shouldn’t have been drinking those drinks, and it went to our heads. We started running around the room, wrestling and thinking we were so cool.’

Dan smiled at the memory and shifted his legs in front of him, letting his head fall back.

“The thing is, and I’m sure you remember, Lester, my father is a huge art nerd. He had this huge Picasso hanging on the wall, and it was his most prized possession. And anyway, me and Chris were being silly and fighting and he threw something at me, so I did the only thing I could think of and threw my shoe back at him. But, since I have no hand eye coordination whatsoever, I’m sure you can guess how well that went…Chris ducked, and I smashed my shoe into my father’s favourite painting.”

He faintly heard Nurse Alison intake a sharp breath of air and smirked. Finds my stories boring, my arse. He thought smugly as he continued.

“So the painting fell to the ground with such a loud thunk and smashed into so many pieces that both my parents came in. Well, needless to say, my father went very pale and started speaking in that really low voice that makes even fucking pigeons terrified of him, and my mother quickly sent gathered my friends and piled them into the car to take them home before he popped a vein.”

“I got in so much fucking trouble Lester, you truly can’t even imagine. I wasn’t allowed to leave my room for weeks, and every time I saw my Father face to face he turned this frightening shade of purple before walking away. Even years later, if the story ever got brought up, he would have to resort to meditation techniques to calm his breathing. I’ve never been in that much trouble since.”

He sat in silence for a few minutes, contemplating whether to share another story or just go for it. Making up his mind, he looked carefully at Lester’s impassive face before scooting forwards a little. He ignored Nurse Alison’s warning look and re-crossed his legs, tracing random loops with his finger on the floor.

“You know, Lester, I’m not allowed to come here again after today.”

He watched him, desperate for a reaction.

“I was only meant to come in twice, and I basically begged to be able to come in another few times, which was very embarrassing, to tell you the truth. Todays the last day I’m allowed in, unless you give us some sign or indication that you want me to come back.”

Nurse Alison gave up pretending to not be interested and watched Lester closely, waiting for any sort of reaction. Dan sighed.

“You know, I’m actually kind of a hermit, Lester. When school finished and I left university, I got my own flat and I barely leave it. I work in a tiny coffee shop, and I spend the rest of my time at home, and I’ve had a total of three different people visit me there. I have about four people who I can call my true friends, and one of them’s my boss, which is very sad. Aside from my friends I’m not comfortable around anyone. I don’t go to the shops, I don’t go out to eat, I don’t leave my flat unless it’s absolutely necessary. Because I just hate people, and I hate people judging me because of the mean kid I used to be.”

He sighed again, closing his eyes briefly and scratching his chin.

“I don’t trust anyone, and I don’t talk about my mother anymore, because she was my world, and then she left suddenly because she wasn’t happy here, but I hated her for it. And then she died and I never did enough to fix our relationship. And, in case you missed it the first 12 times I mentioned it, I don’t leave my house. And yet, I’ve come here every day that I’ve been allowed, and trusted you with my stories and talked about my mother in almost all of them.”

He closed his eyes, getting frustrated now with the lack of response from Lester.

“Look, Lester, I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve always been honest with you, why stop now? I like seeing you. I don’t get it and it makes absolutely no sense but I do. I want you to get better, and I haven’t really cared about anything this much in a very long time. And I’m probably so fucking far off base, but I get this really weird feeling that you like it when I come here too. Sometimes I think you fidget less when I’m talking, although that could be my imagination.”

He sighed. “Please, Lester. If you want me to come back, you need to give me something, or there is literally nothing I can do.”

He waited with bated breath as Lester blinked blankly at the wall. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting waiting, waiting, and yet nothing happened. Not one facial muscle moved, and none of Lester’s excessive fidgeting stilled as Dan felt all of the hope he had been holding on to slowly trickle away. 

He looked down, furiously blinking away the hot tears that sprang to his eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid… he thought to himself, as he tried to remember why he had been so hopeful in the first place.

Lester has been like this for years. He knew this. Therefore, this shouldn’t hurt so much. So why the buggering fuck did it?

“Alright then, Lester, no worries. Thanks for putting up with my incessant rambling on. Try and use a brush sometime, yeah?” he said, attempting nonchalance as he dusted his hands on his thighs and lifted his knees to his chest, ready to push himself up and walk away from this sodding white room and back to his warm, safe flat, and he shouldn’t have ever left it anyway, and he shouldn’t have trusted Lester, because Lester still doesn’t care about Dan and truly, Dan shouldn’t care about Lester anyway. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t.

He was so lost in his own thoughts he nearly didn’t hear Nurse Alison make an alarming choking noise. Looking at her, concerned, he frowned as she just stared back at him with wide, unblinking eyes. Actually, no, she wasn’t looking at Dan, she was looking at something in front of Dan.

Dan’s mind finally caught up, and he turned to look at Lester, before promptly making an almost identical choking noise to Nurse Alison.

Because he was looking at Lester.

And Lester’s blue eyes were looking straight back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to review and let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

Blue and brown stayed locked for what felt like hours, but was probably only mere seconds as Dan stared in absolute disbelief. 

“Lester?” he whispered.

Lester’s eyes immediately flew back to his lap as his rocking started to become more erratic and his hands flew up and down his thighs. 

Dan didn’t even notice as Nurse Alison gathered her composure and moved out of the room, only to return with Doctor Nicholas next to her.

“Lester, it’s okay, I didn’t mean to scare you. You did well, you looked at me, or did I imagine that? It’s highly likely I conjured that entire scene in my imagination. Did I? Lester, did you look at me? I’ll come back every fucking day, Lester, I’ll come back with so many stories you’ll be able to write my entire life story and sell it for probably not much money because it’s me and I’m pretty fucking boring but that’s okay, from what I remember you don’t really need money anyway. If I run out of stories I’ll make more up, I swear on my old dogs fucking grave, can you just look at me again or give me something to reassure me I didn’t make it up, because sometimes my mind goes a little crazy and I think that’s because I’m alone so often, and Carrie says I need to get out more and Chris says I need more friends and…oh.”

He stopped rambling and gasped for breath (he really needed to remember to finish a sentence before he started another, fuck…). His eyes met blue ones again that were staring back at him with a shocking amount of clarity and… was that exasperation? Dan swallowed loudly, trying not to blink or move, not wanting to scare Lester off back into his own world again.

Doctor Nicholas startled both boys by crouching down, and Dan whipped around to look at him while Lester looked back at his lap.

“Phil, you’ve done very well. Very well indeed, Phil. We’re going to leave you to it now, but Dan will be back tomorrow, I promise you that. Don’t panic, you’re still safe and nothing’s changed, you don’t have to look at anyone, there’s no pressure. You take your time. Well done, Phil.” Doctor Nicholas spoke soothingly, his hand resting on Dan’s shoulder.

He looked at the Doctor and then to Nurse Alison, whose eyes were bright with unshed tears as she smiled tightly at him. The Doctor inclined his head towards the door and pulled gently on Dan’s shoulder, and Dan stood up quickly, feeling like he was in a trance.

He walked towards the door, before stopping and turning back to Lester. All he could think was that, if he left, Lester would regret letting Dan in and he didn’t want that. He strode back over to Lester, ignoring Doctor Nicholas’ confused noises as he crouched back down, only a foot or two in front of him.

“I’ll come back, I promise you. Please, trust me, and please don’t regret that... I’ll see you tomorrow.” He murmured, struggling to keep the emotion out of his voice.

Lester stared resolutely into his lap once more. Dan nodded, standing and walking out of the room without a second glance.

“My office, Howell,” Doctor Nicholas murmured, leading him behind the desk and into the small room.

He looked around, taking in the wooden desk and huge bookshelves which lined the walls before sitting down in a plastic armchair. Doctor Nicholas followed him in, closing the door behind him and slapping Dan excitedly on the shoulder.

“You’ve done it now, Howell, you ridiculous little shit! Do you realise how huge this is?! He hasn’t looked anyone, anyone in the eyes, and you spend an hour with him for six days and he looks at you?! Honestly, what are the bloody odds…” the doctor was nearly shouting, barely able to contain his excitement as he sat down in his desk chair.

Dan exhaled noisily. “So you think that’s progress? I mean, he must not hate me anymore, you think?” he asked nervously. 

Doctor Nicholas shook his head immediately. “Don’t be stupid, Howell. If he hated you why on Earth would he break his barriers down and actually be brave enough to look at you?” 

He contemplated this, feeling strangely relieved as the logic made sense in his overwhelmed mind. 

“You’ve done well, Howell. I don’t understand it, but you’ve got through to him. You’ve gotten somewhere that nobody else has been able to. The problem is now, we don’t know what to expect, because frankly, we’ve never gotten this far. That’s the only reason I brought you out straight away, Howell. It doesn’t seem like much, but looking at you is a huge step for Phil, and he will probably be terrified right now. He’s broken two years of living in his own world, not communicating with anyone, through words, affection or eye contact… he’s bound to be freaking out or at the very least, anxious, now that he has let you in. He needs time to handle this step on his own.”

Dan pondered this, letting a small smile slide onto his face. “So does this mean I’m allowed back?”

Doctor Nicholas laughed. “Yes, Howell, you prat. It’s up to you, though, but if you are wanting to, you need to commit to some sort of schedule. Routines are important for Phil, especially now that he has reached out to you. You can’t just come and go as you please. So what do you want to do?”

He really didn’t even need to think before he knew what he was going to say. 

“I’ll come back. I literally don’t have anything else that I do, aside from work most mornings until 11 and I have classes here monthly but they’re always finished by 12:30. Doctor Nicholas, if you think it won’t be too much for him, I’ll come every day. Or as much as you think is helpful, anyway.”

Doctor Nicholas eyed him speculatively. “Okay, Howell. If you’re willing to come back every day, say, around 1? And you’re welcome to stay for two hours, instead of the one you’ve been coming for this week, only if you want to, though. As long as you can commit, I’m happy with that.”

Dan nodded immediately. “Doctor Nicholas, that sounds fine, but I’m a little worried…we really, really used to not like one another. Surely his parents will remember that…what happens when they come back? Can you overrule them, and make them let me see him?”

Doctor Nicholas pursed his lips and shook his head. “Howell, they are his parents. They have the final say over everything, that’s just been transferred over to me while they are away.” He leaned over his desk and looked at his calendar, frowning in thought. 

“There’s another 13 days before they return. When they get back, I’ll meet with them and try and explain. We’ll worry about that later, though, Howell, hopefully by then Phil will have made more progress and they really won’t be able to argue your presence here.”

He nodded resignedly. “Let’s hope, Doctor Nicholas. Let’s hope.”

The Doctor shook his head. “Howell, you’ve changed. Trust me, I had my reservations with you, but after one proper conversation with you when I wasn’t being bias, I could tell that you’re a good guy. More importantly, I can see that you care about him. I don’t know the relationship you guys had, but I see the way you treat him now. The point is, Howell, you’ve grown up. I didn’t even know you back then, and I can see it. Warren can see it. I know you don’t think so, but they will see it as well.”

The next day, Dan fought for his breath after climbing that fucking hill to the hospital, leaning heavily against his tree. One would assume that this would have gotten easier after a full week of climbing the fucking mountain, but every fucking time he saw stars. He really needed to do something to get fitter, he mused as he walked past Doctor Warren’s empty office and into the isolation ward. Moving to stand next to the large desk, he leant on it with his forearms and waited for Nurse Alison to come out. 

She left the office behind the desk with Doctor Nicholas following her, and the both smiled at him. 

“Afternoon, Dan. Shall we go and see if Phil will look at you again?” Nurse Alison asked him.

“How has he been today?” he asked, drumming his fingers lightly on the desk. Nurse Alison raised an eyebrow at his hand and he immediately stilled his fingers, his face burning red as he swore inwardly. Spending too much time surrounded by Lester’s restless ways was clearly taking its toll.

“Normal. Well, as normal as he ever is, no difference. But he’s been extra fidgety for the last hour or so, if I didn’t know any better I would think he was worried you weren’t coming. And by the looks of things, you’re a little fidgety, too. Feeling okay, Dan?” she asked him sweetly.

He pointedly ignored her. “Didn’t you tell him I was coming at 1? I’m early. Why would he think I wasn’t coming? I promised.” 

“He doesn’t have any way of telling the time in that room, genius,” Nurse Alison told him, a smirk evident on her features.

Dan blinked. “Shit, I knew that. Sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

He didn’t get much sleep any nights truthfully. Nightmares had plagued him ever since he was a kid, and he also was a chronic sleepwalker. A combination of those two did not make for many full nights of sleep, and Dan had simply learnt to function on only a few hours of rest.

“Just take it easy, Howell. Be the same as you have been the past week, and don’t pressure him to look at you again. He might still very well be getting over yesterday.”

Lester was seated on his bed, his back resting on the wall behind him and his legs stretched out in front of him, his arms wrapped around his torso. One leg was bouncing up and down while he raked his fingers through his hair over and over.

Dan approached Lester cautiously. “Hey, Lester. Is it okay if I sit down on your bed?”

He waited for Lester’s eyes to look at him, but they never slid away from wall. He sighed.

“I shall take your silence as an overwhelming yes, then.” He lifted himself onto the bed and crossed his legs.

"Look, Lester…I can just see your mind working a million times harder than it needs to be, and it’s probably thinking about yesterday, so just don’t, okay?”

“It’s a good thing. And I’m so, so fucking happy that you trust me enough to look at me, and that you want me to come back. I….”

He sighed again and looked down before continuing.

“I always wanted you to choose me. Back at school, in first grade, I wanted to be your friend. You were smart, and funny, and everyone liked you, and I wanted that. So I wanted to be your friend, it’s all I thought about. I was so mad that you chose Pentland over me, and then PJ a few years later. I think that’s why I was so awful to you for so many years. I know I was a right twat to you, and I am sorry for that, but let’s be frank, you weren’t exactly a saint towards me either. So I’m glad that we get a chance to start over now...”

“Lester, don’t think too much about yesterday. It’s a good thing. I’m going to come back every day, if you want me, because as boring as you are, I actually enjoy your company. And… it means a lot to me that you trust me enough to look at me… I know it’s a big deal for you, and I just want you to know I’m not going anywhere, and thank you for trusting me. I trust you, too.”

Dan could feel his face burning for the second time that day as he stopped his rambling. He looked away from Lester, at the door to the bathroom, trying to gather his composure when he felt eyes gazing into the side of his head.

He looked at Nurse Alison, ready to flip her the bird and tell her exactly what he thought of her making fun of him, but she was scribbling fiercely into her notebook, her eyes boring into the paper.

He frowned, confused, and turned his head to look at Lester, who was staring straight back at him. His head was still bowed, but his eyes were locked on Dan’s through his lashes with that same clear expression that proved that, as much as he seemed withdrawn and lost, he really was here and he heard everything that Dan was saying. 

Dan couldn’t stop the small smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth. “There you are. Ready to hear about my first time having a driving lesson?”


	8. Chapter 8

“Hello, Lester. Exciting news, I drank the absolute best coffee that I have ever had the pleasure of tasting today. I’m not usually a coffee drinker, I do much prefer a nice cup of tea, however I just had that craving this morning, you know?”

Dan wandered into the room in front of Nurse Alison as she waved in greeting in Lester’s direction and sat herself down.

“Phil, truly, I don’t know how you listen to this git’s constant irrelevant rambling. You’re a saint, honestly.” she told him, a smirk on her features as she flicked her eyes to Dan.

He rolled his eyes at her. “Oh shut it, Nurse Alison, you and I both know that you love listening to me. My voice is positively angelic. Isn’t it, Lester?”

Lester looked up from the couch he was seated on and gazed at Dan, before locking his eyes on the wall in front of him. Dan grinned triumphantly.

“See, Alison! Lester agrees with me. My voice is angelic. The kid who won literally every academic award in high school just said so. Well, not in so many words, but…” he trailed off as Nurse Alison shook her head ruefully. 

“Gee, thanks, Phil. Selling me out to a Howell. Alright, Dan, you’re an angel sent from God himself. Happy?”

“Very much so. Thanks, Lester.”

He sat down in an armchair across from Lester and watched as Lester’s rocking slowed a little and his head cocked to the side, his eyes sliding from the wall to Dan’s shoes. Smiling inwardly at the sight of Lester visibly being more relaxed in Dan’s company, he took a deep breath.

“Lester, I’m sure you’ve heard of Britney Spears…and I know that you’ve heard of my father, the stuffy lawyer that is Mark Howell. But I’m almost 100% positive that you’ve never heard of them in the same sentence, and this brings me to today’s story, which I’m sure will have you crying with laughter. So, when I was about 9 years old I walked into my father’s office, and I was met with, shall we say, an extremely strange fucking sight…”

 

Dan laid down on Lester’s couch as he waited for him to return from the bathroom.

“Are you sure, I mean, completely sure I can’t hide outside the bathroom door and scare him?” he whined.

Nurse Alison shook her head. “You’re unbelievable, Howell. Truly. Unbelievable.”

The door opened and Lester shuffled out, his eyes scanning across the room before meeting Dan’s briefly and then dropping to look at his feet. 

“Lester! Can you believe Nurse Alison wanted to hide behind the door and scare you when you came out? You’re lucky I was here to stop her, otherwise it’s highly likely she would have made you completely shit your pants.”

Nurse Alison made a very undignified snorting noise as she stared at Dan, shaking her head. 

“As I said, Dan. You’re unbelievable.”

Lester sat himself on the floor in front of the couch, this time facing it rather than the wall and rested his head in his hands. Dan waited patiently until Lester flicked his eyes to meet his before smiling kindly at him. “There you are, four-eyes. Hello. Did you know Mr Johnson from middle school was my godfather? I thought I could tell you a bit about him today…”

 

“Doctor Warren, what’s for lunch?” Dan asked, walking into his office and collapsing into the leather armchair. Doctor Warren raised an eyebrow at him and protectively cradled his plastic container to his chest.

“Kindly fuck off, Dan. I’m on the only break I’m going to get and I’m so hungry I could eat a fucking cow.”

Dan snorted. “You’re cheerful today.”

Doctor Warren rolled his eyes. “How’s Phil doing? Going well?”

He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “It is, actually. I’m going to try something new today. See if I can’t get him to communicate with me,”

“Dan, you have to go slow! You can’t expect him to talk to you just a few days after he made eye contact with you…”

“I don’t mean for him to talk to me, you moron. There are other ways of communicating, you know… it probably won’t work, but you know me, I’m nothing if not stubborn.”   
Doctor Warren smiled at him. “It’s nice to see you caring about something, Dan. Now shoo, I’ve got work to do.”

Saluting him, Dan excused himself and walked into the isolation ward.

“Doctor Nicholas, can I talk to you? I have an idea…”

“Howell, I don’t want to hear it. I’ve been watching you with Phil, and so has Alison, and we both trust you. Whatever you want to try with him, you have my full support. But Alison still has to go in with you, at least until his parents get back and you can talk to them.”

He groaned. “That’s something I am not looking forward to in the slightest. Also, I had a thought yesterday. Where are his friends? I’m the only one who’s been here in like a week?”

Doctor Nicholas winced. “Uh, well…”

Dan frowned. “Doctor Nicholas…?”

Doctor Nicholas gulped. “So, they might have visited him three times since you came, and I might have possibly suggested they come later than normal so there’s no chance they lay eyes on you, and yes technically it’s not the most professional way to deal with the situation but that Louise scares me, Howell. Truly.”

Dan blinked, then burst into laughter.

“Probably a good idea, let’s leave it to his parents to drop that bomb on them once they decide if I can stay! But…thanks for trusting me, Doctor Warren. I won’t do anything to upset him.”

“I know that, kid. Good luck, Howell,” he called as Dan walked towards Lester’s room with Nurse Alison trailing behind him.

“What are you going to try? What are you going to try? What are you –“

He groaned again. “You’re particularly annoying today, Nurse Alison. It’s nothing that exciting, truly, and it probably won’t work. Hello, Lester!”

He went and sat down at the other end of Lester’s bed as his fingers drummed on his knees. 

“How are you today, Lester? I hear that it’s caramel tart day in the hospital café, and that’s your favourite, isn’t it? Must be a good day for you,” 

Nurse Alison snorted as Dan flushed, realising his mistake. “I mean, I just remember from high school, I just saw you eat it a lot there, not that I watched you a lot, or anything, it was just something I noticed, and-”

He cut himself off as Lester looked straight at him, his eyes sparkling with, could that be humour? He had his bottom lip firmly clasped between his two rows of teeth as he held Dan’s gaze firmly.

He couldn’t help but smile at him, still burning red. “You’re brave today, Lester. Looking at me straight away, well done you. Also, you shouldn’t bite your lip, you don’t want to make it bleed, do you? Especially since no one’s allowed to touch you to clean it…”

Lester blinked at him, blue and brown eyes locked for a moment more before his gaze drifted away, his lip still between his teeth.

Dan chuckled. “Okay then, suit yourself. I thought we could try something new today. I have a few different stories and I can’t decide which one to share with you, so maybe you can pick? So, if you want to hear about the time I decided to try out for the softball team and then in turn shattered 12 of my Mother’s favourite vases, I want you to touch your nose, okay? Or if you want to hear about the unfortunate time one of my mother’s fucking cats chased me all around the front gardens until I ran straight into a wall, touch your ears, okay?”

He waited anxiously as Lester’s fingers didn’t even still on his knees. Trying again, he stated, “Vases, nose, cats, ears, Lester…”

After waiting another several minutes, Dan sighed. “Alright then, Captain Silence, purely based on the humour factor, let’s go with the cats.”

 

“Afternoon, Nurse Alison!” he called, waltzing into the isolation ward. While visiting the hospital used to be a chore, it was becoming a lot easier each day. The workers and patients in the lobby still ducked their heads and whispered, but he figured a few more days and he would surely become immune to that. 

The workers in the isolation ward were different, however. Sure, there were a few that shuffled away as soon as they laid eyes on him, but the majority seemed to be comforted by Doctor Nicholas and Nurse Alison’s acceptance of him, and were quick to follow suit. It was the most normal he had felt in the hospital, and he found himself actually enjoying the company of the doctors and nurses, not that he would ever tell them.

Nurse Alison smirked at him. “Well good afternoon to you too, Dan. You’ve got a skip in your step today. Any news you want to share with your favourite nurse?”

“Oh, is Nurse Katrina on today? I thought she had a few days off…” he replied, scanning the room without missing a beat. She scowled back at him as he laughed.

“No, no news, Alison. I just like seeing Lester, weirdly enough…Oh fuck, I’ve hit a brand new low when seeing Lester is the highlight of my day. If only my old school friends could see me now.” He mused as Nurse Alison gathered her paperwork and walked briskly to Lester’s room. 

“You don’t really care about what your friends would think, do you, Dan? Because you really shouldn’t, that’s just sad…”

He looked at her, exasperated. “Yes, I really care what my old friends would think, that’s why I’m coming to sit next to Lester every day for a few hours. Honestly.”

She rolled her eyes. “He’s really, really restless today. Just a heads up. Don’t expect much.” she pushed open the door. Walking in, he stopped short at what he saw while Nurse Alison walked around him and sat down in her chair, mouthing I told you so when their eyes met.

Lester was walking around the room in circles, his hands drumming on his thighs as his eyes stared straight ahead. 

“Hello, Lester. Restless today, are we?” he murmured, keeping his voice soft as to not startle him. He needn’t have worried, though, as Lester didn’t even falter in his movements. 

Taking a deep breath, Dan took a few steps onto the room, before making up his mind and falling into place directly behind Lester, following him around the room. He ignored Nurse Alison’s confused look and raised eyebrows as he continued to follow another’s footsteps.

After completing 11 circles of the room, Lester came to an abrupt halt, and Dan had to grab the back of the couch to stop himself from running straight into his back. Nurse Alison watched on, curiously as Lester slowly turned around so that he was facing Dan. Their eyes locked, and Dan couldn’t help the small smile that spread across his face.

There you are, Lester. 

“Don’t worry about me, Lester. I could use the exercise, you just do your thing. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone. I’m here, and so are you, and we’re in this together, you and me.”

Lester blinked at him, and their eyes stayed locked for what seemed like hours. Finally, Lester turned around, before taking a few steps and Dan followed him immediately. Lester stopped again and turned his head back around to face him one more time, almost as if to check if he was still there, and Dan smiled again. 

“You aren’t alone. I promise.”

Lester turned around again and continued his walking and drumming, but not before he caught the brightness in Lester’s eyes that looked suspiciously like tears.

 

The next day, Lester was much more settled, and had made eye contact with him on three separate occasions. Dan swung his legs back and forth while he sat on the chair, grinning like an idiot when Lester looked at him for the fourth time after he told him about how he tripped over his easel at home this morning and wound up with a face full of paint. 

“So Lester, it’s story time. Your choices include a story about Nicholas Highson, the drama room curtains and a magic eight ball, and if you want to hear that one I want you to tap your knee. Or, a story about the time Milly Nightingale, also in the drama room, mind you, tried to show up Carrie by bragging that she could do a headstand for longer than her, and it reached a, shall we say, rather unfortunate conclusion. If you want that one, then touch your head.”

He waited about five minutes before sighing. “Fuck, you’re so stubborn. I know you know what I’m saying, you complete nerd! You like making me look stupid, I swear… Alright, so the Nightingale story.”

 

As he waltzed into Lester’s room, he scowled at the brunette in front of him. 

“Nurse Alison, keep your comments about my energy today down. I didn’t sleep well last night, and how that works is that I’m always very sleepy and slow in the mornings, and then in the afternoons all of the energy I didn’t have that morning hits me in one go. It’s very scientific and logical and it makes sense, damn it, so don’t judge.”

Nurse Alison scoffed. “Of course, Dan. All the sense. Wouldn’t dream of commenting. Please, carry on.” She deadpanned.

He sat in front of Lester on the floor and smiled at him. “Hello there, loser,” he waited, bouncing his knee up and down as Lester slowly lifted his head and blinked at Dan in greeting. 

He couldn’t help his smile growing into a full blown grin. “There you are! Nice to see you. Now, I’m sure you are extremely curious as to why I couldn’t sleep last night. Don’t panic, though, I’m here to satisfy your endless questions. No matter how hard I tried, I simply could not stop thinking about the story I told you yesterday and I’ve decided if I’m going to get any sleep tonight, I need to try something today.”

He paused, waiting until Lester looked at him again, smiling amusedly when he dropped his eyes immediately, embarrassed at being caught sneaking another look. He was getting a lot better at knowing how to get Lester to look at him, which was a talent he could have really used during high school, to be completely honest.

“Sorry, Lester. I was pausing for dramatic effect.” He raised two fingers in a decidedly rude gesture at Nurse Alison who snorted at him, before turning a page of her book, pretending (very badly, might he add) to not be listening.

“Anyway, I just keep thinking back to that time in the drama room, watching Milly and Carrie compete against one another on who could stand on their head the longest. And the whole time I watched, I remember feeling that with a little practice, I could beat them both, but I would have been teased mercilessly and so I forgot about it. But now, I can try it because you won’t tease me, and yeah, Nurse Alison probably will but hopefully with a little pleading she will keep it to an absolute minimum. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you bat your eyelids a little, she won’t utter a peep. So, want to see me try it?”

No answer.

“And that’s an overwhelming yes, ladies and gentlemen, let’s do this!”

And Dan spent the next two hours trying to master a perfect headstand and feeling the rush of his (admittedly slow) blood moving swiftly to his head while Lester watched on, seemingly entranced. And while he would never say it for fear of sending Lester flying back into his own world, he could have sworn he saw the corners of Lester’s lips turn up. 

 

He sat in the chair outside Lester’s room, waiting impatiently for Nurse Alison to finish her lunch break so they could go in.

“You’re early today, Howell,” Doctor Nicholas said, walking over to him and taking a seat. 

“Yeah, I had nowhere else to be. Plus, I think I’m actually making progress! He looks at more and more every day, and I swear he nearly smiled at me yesterday! Have you been watching?”

The Doctor nodded. “I’ve watched a few times, but not the last two days. But I’ve read all of Nurse Alison’s reports, and she agrees with you that progress it being made. Quite quickly, it seems.”

Dan frowned. “Is that okay? That he’s opening up really quickly? It doesn’t mean that he’s then going to go backwards, does it? Oh god, what if I’m making everything worse? Pentland will have me castrated…”

Doctor Nicholas laughed. “You’re crazy, Howell. I’ve always thought that as soon as Phil took the first step, that he would come on in leaps and bounds. I truly think that he wants to improve. Sometimes when his friends are in there, I can see something flicker in his eyes. Sadness, or desperation, maybe? Like he wanted to reach them, but he couldn’t. I think he’s always wanted to get better, he just couldn’t work out how. Somehow… you’ve shown him the way, it would seem. You aren’t making things worse, Howell. Stop thinking that. You’re making things better.”

10 minutes later, Dan was sitting down in front of Lester, who was rocking on his couch, staring not at the wall or the floor, but at one of the bookcases along the wall. Raising his eyebrows at Nurse Alison, who looked just as confused as he did, he took it that this fixation was not a normal occurrence. 

“Hi there, Lester. What are you looking at?” he asked, cocking his head to the side and pushing his fringe out of his eyes. 

Lester slowly dragged his eyes to Dan’s, blinking as if he hadn’t realised he was there until he had spoken aloud. Dan smiled at him, trying not to take him by surprise. Lester seemed a little out of it today, and the last thing he wanted was to scare or startle him. Lester blinked at him again, before slowly turning back to the bookshelves.

“Did… did you want to read today Lester? I don’t have very interesting stories for you today, and I don’t mind…” he trailed off as Lester looked back at him. All of a sudden, Lester pushed himself up from the ground and walked towards the bookshelves, standing in front of them pensively. 

Dan couldn’t help his jaw dropping as he stared at Lester. While he had seen him moving around his room, he had never seen Lester react to a question Dan had asked. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Nurse Alison scribbling furiously on her paper. Lester seemed to be oblivious to his incredulous stares as he narrowed his eyes at the bookcase, before selecting one and turning back to Dan, holding it loosely in his palm.

Dan tried to school his face into a neutral expression and smiled encouragingly at Lester, trying to appear nonchalant as Lester moved back towards him, agonisingly slowly. He finally stopped in front of the couch and sat himself down on the floor, leaning his back on the couch as he drummed his fingers on his crossed legs. His eyes met Dan’s again, before slowly reaching out with one hand and patting the space next to him three times.

Gaping, Dan tried several times to speak before he swallowed loudly. 

Oh, man up, Dan. Fuck.

He smiled again at Lester, who was looking at Dan anxiously now and stood up, moving next to Lester and slowly sinking to the floor, making sure to keep a few feet between the two. He kept his eyes locked firmly on his feet as he waited for Lester to make the next move, and then felt the book being placed gently in his lap.

He couldn’t help but look up, astonished, at Lester, who was studiously studying the cover of the book with his knees drawn up.  
 “You want me to read this to you?” he asked incredulously. Lester looked at him again, exasperation evident in his eyes as he looked back down at the book, bouncing his heels impatiently. Dan let out a soft laugh and flipped open the book, relaxing back into the couch and his heart about bursting with happiness as he felt Lester do the same. Knowing that Lester was comfortable enough with Dan to invite him to sit next to him and still be relaxed pulled at emotions that Dan didn’t even know he could feel. He shook his head, unable to get rid of the smile on his face as he tilted his head.

“Alright then, you lazy git. I’m sure you can read, but anyway. Chapter 1…”

 

He grinned at Nurse Alison outside Lester’s door the next day as she made her way over to him, shuffling through her paperwork frantically. She rolled her eyes at him.

“Sometimes, when you smile like that, I worry that you’re plotting my death. Please reassure me that you aren’t, and that you’re simply insane?”

He stuck out his tongue childishly at her. “Oh hush, you. I’m in a good mood, is that so bad?”

She nodded quickly. “Yes. It is. Why, pray tell?”

“No reason. It’s a nice day, no one snickered when I entered the hospital today, I had dinner with my best friends last night, they didn’t nag me too much and Carrie sent me home with leftovers. It’s the little things, Nurse Alison. Although, they are both desperate to know why the last two times Chris dropped over I wasn’t home, because as I’ve let slip a time or twenty, I very rarely leave my house. Can I tell them? They wouldn’t tell anyone…. Please?” he asked, batting his eyelashes sweetly.

She let out a bark of laughter. “You’re so dramatic it’s crazy. It’s not my call anyway, Dan. You can ask Nicholas, but I daresay you’ll have to wait for-”

He cut her off impatiently. “I know, I know, the god forsaken parents. Fuck me, can Lester even sneeze without them allowing it?”

He didn’t wait for her indignant reply, rather he pushed open Lester’s door and walked in, grinning again as Lester looked at him almost immediately.

“Hello, Lester. Nurse Alison thinks I’m plotting to kill her, can you believe it?”

“Funny as always, Dan,” Nurse Alison murmured, sitting herself down in her chair.

“Question, is your arse permanently printed in that chair? Would sitting in another chair really throw off your routine so much?” he enquired. She flipped him the bird without so much as flicking her eyes in his direction.

“Alright Lester, story time. If you want to hear the story behind my incredibly intense phobia of anything with webbed feet, I want you to tug one of your earlobes. Or, if you want to hear about the first time I ever watched Formula One, you need to tap your forehead. Yes?”

He waited patiently, sighing every now and then as he watched Lester for any change. Knowing it was highly unlikely that he would respond, he wasn’t too concerned, and he repeated the question after a few minutes of silence. He was about to launch into the Formula story when Lester moved.

Painstakingly slowly, he stretched his legs out in front of him, his eyes moving around before meeting Dan’s startled brown ones. He then looked back at his feet, as did Dan.

And his feet started to wiggle back and forth.

Dan couldn’t believe his eyes. Choking back his disbelief, everything started to make sense in his head.

“You want me to tell the story about the webbed feet?” he asked breathlessly. 

Lester looked at him again, and then inclined his head slightly before lowering it in an almost unnoticeable nod. 

Dan exhaled in complete shock at Lester’s willingness to communicate with him. “But… but you weren’t meant to do that…you were meant to tug your ear…that wasn’t part of my code…”

Staring at Lester, he sat for a long time, their eyes meeting. And then he couldn’t help it. He threw his head back and laughed, harder than he had laughed in an extremely long time. He slapped the floor as tears rolled from his eyes while he gasped for breath. 

“Is this your way of telling me that my code is a piece of shit?” He asked once he had caught his breath. Immediately Lester’s head did that funny little nod thing and Dan’s heart soared before he burst into laughter again.

He was laughing so hard he almost missed the corners of Lester’s lips turning up, but thankfully, he didn’t miss the way his mouth slowly stretched into a full blown toothy smile as he stared at Dan unashamedly, amusement clear in his features.

“Oh, Lester,” he said, wiping his eyes. “How far we’ve come. Don’t stop smiling, okay? It’s nice.”

Lester looked at him, the smile still firmly etched on his features as he took his bottom lip between his teeth. Dan frowned at him, the smile falling from his face, thinking back to a few days ago when he reprimanded him for biting his lip. Lester’s smile fell at Dan’s face until he seemed to think twice and let go of his lip, before smiling even wider at Dan, their eyes meeting without a hint of doubt.

He couldn’t help but grin back at him. “How far we’ve come. Alright, webbed feet. Here we go.”


	9. Chapter 9

Something had changed in Lester, Dan mused to himself as he approached the hospital. It was the last day before his parents returned from their holiday, and he knew there was a high chance his genitals would be cut off by the older brother tomorrow and he would be locked out of Lester’s ward with no chance of returning. Even knowing that, he couldn’t keep himself from hoping that they could see that Dan really was trying to help and Lester was getting better.

It had all changed the day that Dan had shared the story of his webbed feet phobia, and Lester both responded to him through his body language (almost mockingly, which was kind of rude, now that he thought about it) and smiled at him. Since then, Lester had been more open than Dan had ever dreamed he would be. Doctor Nicholas was almost beside himself with excitement every time Dan left the room, sitting in front of the one-way window with a maniac grin on his face.

While he had still not made any difference in his behaviour towards any of the Doctors or Nurses caring for him, he made and held eye contact with Dan even more often than before, almost bordering on the normal amount of eye contact between two regular people. He had smiled at Dan several times during the last few visits, and had even nodded his head a few times. Most importantly, it was always at a time that made sense, which Doctor Nicholas was ecstatic about.   
“He’s really in there!” he had exclaimed to Dan when he left the room after the first smile. “I’ve been so worried that he isn’t really seeing what is in front of him. Even when you first got through to him, I had hoped, but there was no proof that he was really seeing and hearing everything as he should be. But he just responded to you and smiled at times that made sense, at times when another person would smile as well. Keep doing what you’re doing, Howell. He’s in there, he’s listening, and he’s getting better.” 

Dan waved to Doctor Nicholas as he met Nurse Alison at the desk.

“Nervous about tomorrow?” she asked him, lifting an eyebrow.

He lifted his chin. “I’m not scared of the parents. Or the brother. Or Pentland, for that matter. I just don’t want them to stop me seeing Lester, not when he’s finally started to respond to me.”

She rolled her eyes and snorted, making it perfectly obvious that she didn’t believe him. “Sure you aren’t nervous. If you say so. You know, you say the word ‘finally’ like you’ve spent so much time with him. It’s literally been 3 weeks, Dan. I’ve been with him 2 years. And nothing. Stop with the ‘finally’, already. You basically walked in, told him a few stories and hey, presto! He lets you in. There’s no ‘finally’ about it.”

He frowned. “Oh. Does that bother you? I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant that he’s making progress after such a long time…” he trailed off, feeling awful all of a sudden. “Sorry, Alison. I’m a prat.” 

She shook her head, sighing. “No, I’m sorry, Dan. I’ve had a shitty day, that’s all. And it’s a little annoying that he’s chosen you to buddy up to and not any of us. But that’s not your fault, and truthfully I am happy for you and for him. Mostly for him, really. I do want him to get better, and hopefully he will trust us one day. Come on, Dan, I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”

He followed her in, lost in thought. It really made no sense whatsoever that Lester was getting better because of Dan, and no one else, considering their history.   
But, when he called out hello to Lester and Lester turned and gave him a huge grin, eyes meeting his without reservation in an obvious greeting, he simply couldn’t bring himself to mind too much. 

He walked over to Lester, sitting in front of the couch and Lester promptly patted the spot to his left, his blue eyes leaving Dan’s as they darted to the ground. He couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Fuck, Lester, were you always this bossy?”

Lester smiled at the ground again and Dan cheered internally at pulling another expression from him. Lester slid a book in front of him and Dan laughed again as he picked it up, opening it to the first page.

“See, you’re only proving my point, four-eyes. I’m fairly certain you must be bossier than Pentland these days, and truthfully I never thought that was possible.”

The minute he mentioned Pentland’s name, he felt his mood crash rapidly. He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face briefly.

He needed to get it together. Doctor Nicholas seemed certain he could get the parents, and then the friends to understand why he needed to be allowed to see Lester. Although, Doctor Nicholas really didn’t know just how much history was between them…

He opened his eyes when he felt a gaze boring into the side of his head. He turned and tried to smile at Lester, willing himself to hold it together. There was no need to let Lester know that he may not be able to see him again after today… if that were the case he would let PJ and Pentland explain to him exactly why Dan wasn’t visiting anymore.

Lester frowned at him, curiosity in his eyes. He smiled at Lester again.

“You know, I’m sure you can read yourself, Lester. But anyway, do you remember where we were up to last week?” 

Lester shook his head, before reaching out and grabbing the book out of his hands, before closing it firmly. He looked at Dan again, frowning once more.

He sighed. “Fuck, Lester, bossy and perceptive? What has this place done to you?”

He raked his hands through his short hair, letting the fringe flop against his forehead as he leant backwards, resting against the back of the couch. 

“It’s really nothing you need to worry about, Lester. I’m just a little nervous about a few things…” he trailed off as Nurse Alison snorted.

“Knew it,” she muttered. Dan huffed and gave her the two fingered salute as she stuck her tongue out at him. Lester’s eyes didn’t waver though, and when Dan looked back he was still staring resolutely at him.

“Honestly, Lester, it doesn’t matter…” he sighed again, staring at Lester’s determined face. He had seen that face before, a time or twenty, and he knew there was no use fighting him on this. For someone who was completely silent, he was a stubborn prat.

“Look, it’s really nothing. It’s just that your parents are back tomorrow morning, and I’m getting the feeling that they aren’t going to be thrilled that I’m around. Believe it or not, Lester, I actually like coming here, and I’m just scared that they are going to kick me out and not let me back in. I’m also rather terrified for the health and wellbeing of my genitals, if I’m being honest.”

Lester smiled amusedly again, looking down at the floor for a moment before looking back up at Dan, blinking wide eyes at him, looking confused. Dan couldn’t help the hurt feelings that flooded through him, feeling embarrassed that he was upset. Lester didn’t seem to be overly concerned that this could potentially be Dan’s last day. Truthfully, though, why should he?

“Anyway, I’m sure it will be fine. Pass me the book back, nerd,” 

Lester shook his head forcefully, moving the book behind his back as he frowned at Dan again.

“Fuck, Lester, you don’t want to let this go, do you?” Lester shook his head again as he sighed.

“I’m just-” he paused, feeling horribly mortified as he looked down, willing his mouth to close even while it opened again. “I just feel like when they get back everything’s going to go back to how it was in school. I think they are going to remind you who I am, and all the names I used to call you, and all the reasons you should hate me, and I’m scared you’re going to listen to them, and then you won’t want me around anymore. I just don’t want that.”

The silence was deafening in the room as Dan sat there, blinking away hot tears as he stared at the ground. He went to sit up and take the book from Lester when he heard Lester move.

He inhaled sharply as he prepared himself for Lester’s rejection, for him to stand and walk away from Dan, making it clear that he remembered those things now and he didn’t want him in the room. 

He froze as he felt Lester shift closer to him, rather than further away. 

“Lester, we can just forget about it, I’m a big boy and I’ll be fine-”

He trailed off as Lester looked at him, blue eyes blazing with determination and something else that Dan couldn’t quite put a finger on.

And then, Lester very slowly extended his arm. Dan could only watch, dumbfounded, as Lester reached out and took Dan’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

Nurse Alison watched on in amazement as Dan exhaled noisily and stared at their hands, joined and tangled and resting on his knee. The warmth he felt was overwhelming as he held Lester’s hand tightly, and he felt Lester’s grip tighten around his. He looked up at Lester again, whose eyes were suspiciously bright.

“Is this your way of telling me I’m being a stupid twat?” He asked breathlessly.

A very small smile spread on Lester’s face as he inclined his head in confirmation. Dan laughed. 

“You know, you don’t have to do this…I know you don’t touch. I’m okay now…” he trailed off as Lester frowned at him again, and started rubbing his thumb firmly back and forth across the back of Dan’s hand.

“Okay then...now what?” he asked after a minute of silence, still in a state of shock. Lester smiled at him again, before reaching up and tugging on his own ear.

Dan frowned in confusion before it clicked. “My code! You want me to tell you a story?”

Lester’s smile turned into a grin as he nodded, leaning back against the couch and letting their hands fall onto the floor between them comfortably. 

And so Dan told him story after story, the two boys sitting hand in hand, lost in a world of their own. And when Dan walked out of the room, he couldn’t bring himself to feel nervous for tomorrow.

After all, if the parents, or Martyn, or Pentland and PJ wouldn’t let him in, he would just break Lester out one night. Because after that afternoon, he knew there was no way he would let a couple of parents, a tough brother, a know-it-all and a weirdo stop him from holding Lester’s hand again.

After listening to Doctor Nicholas’ excited cheering at the progress made that afternoon, he excused himself from the hospital. An hour later, his front door slammed closed with a bang than resonated through his flat and Dan promptly fell onto the sofa in his living room, letting a huge smile spread across his face as he tipped his head back and closed his eyes. 

“Darling, are you planning a murder? Because that face is positively frightening.”

“What the fuck?!” he jumped out of his seat and grabbed the closest thing to him, a PlayStation remote, eyes wide. Carrie sat smirking at his dining table, a cup of tea in front of her. 

“Carrie – what the fuck?! How the fuck did you get in here?!” he yelled, dropping his arm and closing his eyes, breathing loudly. She smirked again.

Suddenly, a voice appeared from behind him. “I don’t know, Carrie, he might have been plotting a murder but it kind of looked like his ‘just got laid’ face to me.” 

He jumped again, turning around blindly and pointing his remote. “What the fuck is happening?!”

Chris was standing behind him, a book that he had clearly nicked from Dan’s study in his hands as he chuckled. 

Dan scowled. “Is anyone else going to jump out and frighten the absolute pants off me? In my own house?!” 

Chris laughed again, putting his hands on Dan’s shoulders and pushing him back onto the couch, sitting down heavily next to him. 

“So, which was it? Planning a murder or just got laid?” he enquired, lifting his feet onto the coffee table and pointedly ignoring Dan’s scowl.

“Neither. And anyway, there’s other pressing concerns I’d like to discuss with you both. Such as, why are you in my house?” he asked, looking between the two of them. 

Carrie rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut it, Dan. We haven’t seen you in days! And you know very well that the I have a spare key. We figured you’d return here at some point, we just wanted to see you. What’s going on?”

He sighed. “Carrie, I’ve just been busy with work and stuff, there’s nothing going on...” he trailed off, knowing that he was not convincing in the least. 

“Dan, we’re worried about you! You’re never here, and don’t tell me you’re always working, because we walked passed the coffee shop several times and you aren’t there. You’ve never kept secrets from us.” Carrie said, twirling her pinkie finger in her tea idly as she stared at him.

He groaned, his good mood quickly disappearing. Of course he wanted to tell them, they were the most important people in his life and he didn’t want to hide anything from them. But he had promised that he wouldn’t tell anyone anything about Lester and he didn’t want to break the trust he had formed with the doctors, especially not when the family were returning tomorrow. There was no need to make that particular issue more difficult to handle. 

Chris lent forward and looked intently at him, his usual joking face nowhere to be found. “Dan, we are worried. You can’t get mad at us for being concerned when we normally see you every other day. And not just that, I had dinner with Warren a few days ago. Well anyway, he mentioned that he’s been seeing you more, and then when I asked about it he completely shut off. Are you unwell or something? Because we need to know. We’re your best friends.” 

Dan sighed in understanding, looking at both of his friends. “I swear to you, I’m fine, guys. I’m not sick and I’m not injured. I know I’m being secretive, but, you’ve just got to trust me. I’m not allowed to say anything about what I’ve been doing or where I’ve been, but I’ve told them that I want to tell you two and I should be able to soon. Trust me, okay?”

Carrie sighed. “You’ve never cared about what anyone else thought before, Dan. You’ve always told us everything, how could you betray us like this?” She whined, sticking out her tongue at him jokingly as he smiled. He knew if she was willing to joke around with his that everything must be okay, for now, at least.

“I will say one thing, Carrie… Normally I would tell you, without a moment of hesitation. But this thing…it’s really important to me. I didn’t think it would be, but it is. And I don’t want to jeopardise that. I promise, I’ll tell you as soon as I can.”

Chris smiled at him. “As long as you’re okay. Now, Carrie. What are you cooking us for dinner? I’m starving!”

“Hey, none of that sexist shit, Kendall! Feed yourself!” She threw at him, before flipping her curly hair over her shoulder and sauntering away, pressing a kiss to Dan’s head as she passed.

Chris chuckled. “Worth it just to rile her up. What do you feel like, Chinese or Mexican?”

The next morning, Dan woke up in his bed, both trying and failing to stifle a groan.

“Carrie Hope Fletcher, I hate you!” he yelled, his voice muffled into his pillow.

He heard her tinkling laughter from the kitchen as he sat up slowly, his head aching and throbbing. He dragged himself out of bed, purposefully ignoring his appearance in the mirror, knowing that it would be positively horrific. Bloodshot eyes, bedhead and a pale, too-long body in only green pyjama pants definitely did not make for an appealing sight.

It had been lovely spending time with his two best friends the night before, and he had ended up consuming far too much tequila, helpfully provided by Carrie, before inviting them to stay the night. Friends don’t let friends drink and drive (or so he’d heard) and since he hadn’t seen them in a while, they were more than happy to oblige. 

“Howell, you work in a hospital. I swear to God, if you don’t have some sort of magical vitamin juice or Hangover Potion or something somewhere in this tiny little house, I’ll kill you slowly and without mercy.” Chris muttered darkly as he emerged from the guest room, clad in nothing but his black boxers. Neither Dan nor Carrie batted an eye in his nearly-naked direction. The three of them had grown up joined at the hip, and were used to seeing one another in various types of undress. 

Dan sank into a chair and promptly laid his head on the cool tabletop, delighting in the feeling. 

“Chris, I don’t even know what that means? Especially since my drunk nights are very few and far between, I don’t have anything but tap water and some painkillers in the cupboard. May I present to you, though, an incredibly gorgeously stunning Miss Carrie Fletcher, who comes bearing an assortment of excellent food items such as bacon and toast which should hopefully soak up our hangovers.” He replied without opening an eye.

Chris snorted. “Dan, that doesn’t even make sense.”

Carrie sat down in between them, putting a plate in front of them both and started running her fingers through Dan’s hair while Chris sniffed appreciatively.

“Carrie, you’re a saint. Why have I not married you?” Chris asked, immediately digging in.

Dan winced just thinking about it. Ew.

“Because dating either of you would be borderline on incest, my dear Chris, which is in fact frowned upon in most societies. If only I had realised this before fifth grade. I could have saved myself from years of pining.” She mused, picking at a piece of toast with her free hand.

Dan laughed ruefully. “You were charming, Carrie, and you’re not half bad at kissing, either. Just not my type. Also, you may as well be my sister, so, there’s that.” 

The three of them laughed as Carrie flicked his nose. 

An hour later, they were all sitting on his couch, chatting meaninglessly when the sound of a new email rang through the room. Carrie reached for his discarded laptop and flipped it open for him.

“Darling, you have an email.”

“No kidding? You’re sure now?” he asked dryly. She read it quickly, before looking at him and raising an eyebrow. 

“Why are you being informed that a Mr and Mrs Lester have returned from God knows where and that they, along with a Pentland and PJ want to see you? Dan, what have you done? We swore we’d play nice if we ever ran into them in the street…” Her eyes were wide as she looked at him, concerned, as Chris pulled the laptop off her and read it for himself.

“They want to see me? Oh, fuck.” He muttered, standing up and walking to his room to grab some clothes, pulling his pyjama pants off and dragging his black trousers on over his boxers as Chris and Carrie exchanged worried looks.

He sighed and walked back out. 

“Guys, I haven’t done anything! I told you to trust me. I’ll explain it all as soon as I can…” he trailed off, looking at her and frowning as he quickly combed his hair and started pulling on his shoes. “Thank fuck you guys didn’t let me shower last night. Can you imagine me meeting with them with fucking hobbit hair?” 

Carrie snorted. “Oh god, the world would stop turning, surely.”

Chris nodded his head, agreeing with Carrie as he stood. “Have fun, Dan, good luck with the Lesters and Pentland. Carrie and I will let ourselves out. Oh man, the tube with this hangover isn’t going to be fun.”

About half an hour later, Dan dropped to his knees outside of the hospital, gagging as he fought to keep his breakfast down and mentally cursing himself. 

Should’ve listened to Chris and caught a taxi. That wasn’t your brightest idea, dumbass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you so so much for all the incredibly lovely reviews! I've been very scared to post anything in fear of people not liking it for the longest time so I appreciate it so much! Thanks!


	10. Chapter 10

Pulling himself together, Dan took a few deep breaths, reminded himself not to throw his intestines up and started towards the hospital. Meeting with Lester’s family was frightening enough, let alone throwing in two people who had reason to hate him more than almost anyone else and the fact that he was hungover and therefore off his game. Pentland could get him into a headlock in mere seconds at this rate.

He walked through the halls, all the while muttering darkly to himself to just hold it together, damn it. The people milling about in the reception of St Andrew’s were all giving him looks that clearly said that they were questioning what little of his sanity remained intact, but he brushed them aside easily and burst into the isolation ward, making his way into Doctor Nicholas’ office.

“Doctor Nicholas, I’m hungover as fuck and it’s really a giant battle for me to even stand right now, let alone play nice with the other children. In fact, it has come to my attention that I am so off my guard that I could quite easily be beaten into oblivion before I even realise a certain blonde had entered the room, so I’m going to need you to keep an eye on things, yes? We should decide on a safe word, Doctor Nicholas, do you think you can work the word ‘flabbergasted’ seamlessly into a conversation or should we go with something more common, like ‘bagel’?”

Doctor Nicholas raised an eyebrow at him. “Well it’s a very big good morning to you too, Howell. I can see why you normally don’t come in here before at least lunch time, you’re making even less sense than usual. Did you want to acknowledge our guests at all, or shall I just continue to let you babble on?”

Dan froze, turning away from Doctor Nicholas’ desk and peering at the other end of the room, where Pentland and PJ sat, along with two older people he assumed were Lester’s parents. PJ had a smirk on his ridiculous face and Pentland was looking curiously at Dan, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

He sighed. “Hello, Pentland. PJ, it’s not that funny, so wipe the look off your face, you imbecile. Hello Mr and Mrs Lester, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Apologies for my outburst.” 

He ignored Doctor Nicholas’ warning look and he sank himself down in an armchair, lifting his legs onto the chair and his chest resting against his knees. He couldn’t help but lower his head away from Pentland’s gaze, and suddenly it struck him that he was mimicking Lester’s usual pose. It was something about seeing Pentland and PJ together and laughing at him made him feel like he was right back in high school, feeling like he wasn’t good enough or smart enough for their group of friends yet again, and he felt a scowl harden on his features before he could help it.

“Oh knock it off, Howell, and calm down. I wouldn’t tell you to come here if you were going to get hurt. Phil would kill me.” Doctor Nicholas told him.

“Lester wouldn’t care, not now that his best friends are back.” Dan said haughtily, although he felt his scowl sliding away, feeling reassured by Doctor Nicholas’ words.

“How-Daniel. We just wanted to talk to you. We were a little surprised this morning, when we got back and were told that you had basically become a permanent fixture in Phil’s room.” Mrs Lester told him, crossing her arms on Doctor Nicholas’ desk.

Dan sighed. “What do you want to talk about, then? If you’re going to tell me I’m not allowed back in there, just get it over with already.”

Mrs Lester opened her mouth, but was interrupted by Pentland. “Shut up, Howell, God. We aren’t going to tell you that. I see you’re just as mental as you always were.”

He glared at Pentland as Mrs Lester spoke. “We just don’t understand, Daniel. I remember you hating my son, and so do Louise and PJ. What are you getting out of this? You hate Phil, you always have. What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t hate-”

“Yes you did,” Pentland and PJ stated in synchronisation.

Dan sighed.

“Okay, honesty hour? I know it doesn’t make much sense, Mrs Lester. Trust me, it’s weird for me too. I’m sure Doctor Nicholas has told you why I went in there the first time…I wanted to apologise for everything and thank him. But then, when I was in there, I was sure he reached out for me, even though no one saw it and it’s likely I was delusional. But then I went back the next day, and nothing happened, but…well. I don’t know. He just looked so fucking lost, you know? And it’s just not fair that he isn’t living a happy life, because he deserves to, as much as he gets on my nerves. So I asked if I could go back a few more times, and I don’t really know why I wanted to, but I just did. So I just kept telling him stories to try and get his mind off of whatever he spends all his time brooding about. And then, when it was the last day I was allowed in, he looked at me. So, I guess that brings you up to speed.” 

He licked his lips nervously, as Mrs Lester looked at her husband. He was eyeing him speculatively. “Daniel,”

“It’s Dan. Please, only my Father calls me Daniel, and he’s a jerk.”

“…Dan…I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around this. You’ve hated my son for years. Why should we let you keep seeing him?”

He swallowed the frustration that was welling up inside him and took a deep breath. “I…I don’t know, Sir.” He sighed, uncurling his body and placing his legs on the floor. “Since I left uni, I kind of keep to myself, I work and that’s it, I don’t really see many people. But I come here, and I see Lester, and he likes me, I think, anyway. And believe it or not, I like him too.”

“I can’t make you believe me when I say I have literally no bad intentions, because I have most definitely given you reason to think the worst of me. But, Lester likes having me around. And, even though no one has a single fucking clue as to why, he responds to me, and smiles at me, and sometimes teases me, the sassy little shit. And he held my hand yesterday, which was kind of weird but also kind of nice. So I can’t make you let me see him, but I hope you do. I’ll miss him if you don’t, and I think he’ll miss me too, but I can’t know for certain.”

He looked away, his mortification at letting his guard down in front of them mounting. 

“Dan.” He looked up at Mrs Lester, who was staring at him thoughtfully. He held her gaze, until she nodded decisively and stood up. “I’ll be back.” 

“You’re such a softie, Howell. Everyone sees straight through you,” Doctor Nicholas teased. Instantly, he scowled at the Doctor and flipped him the bird. 

“Hey, can I say something?” PJ said. He rolled his eyes at PJ’s stupidity.

“You already did, but anyway. Go ahead, nerd. I’m sure I can’t sink any lower then I have already.”

PJ visibly took a deep breath. “Thanks, you know. For what you’re doing for Phil. We all appreciate it.”

Dan couldn’t help his eyes widen at PJ’s honest words. PJ laughed.

“Come off it, mate. If you’re going to be spending time with Phil you’re going to have to get used to us.”

Dan groaned. “I’d been wondering what happened to the rest of the you. Where’s that Hazel these days? Last I saw her, her and Lester were joined at the hip, and yet I haven’t seen her once since I’ve been around.”

PJ laughed. “She’s around. She’s dating Jack, now, actually. They visit from time to time.”

Dan’s next question was cut off by Mrs Lester and Pentland walking back into the room.

“Okay, it’s done. Dan, you’ve been added to the list of approved visitors, so you can come anytime. Alright?” 

Dan looked at Mrs Lester, his jaw slack and open as she and Pentland laughed. 

“Oh, Dan, you’re too much. We’ve all grown up since school. Let’s try and start again, yes?” Pentland extended her arm firmly, holding his gaze until he warily took her hand and shook it. PJ smiled and held out his hand as well, and Dan felt his eyes nearly fall out of his head as he shook his hand as well.

“You alright, Howell?” Doctor Nicholas asked.

He shook his head slowly. “I’m hungover, and quite possibly hallucinating. Because I think I just had a civil conversation with a PJ and Pentland. And then I shook their hands.”

Doctor Nicholas laughed, waving a hand in front of his face. “You’re not hallucinating, I hate to break it to you.”

Mrs Lester smiled. “Let’s just try and move forward, Dan. Now, we’ve already seen Phil this morning, so we can leave you to it, if you like.”

“You’ve seen him? How was he? Any difference?” 

He would have had to be blind not to notice both Lester’s parents and Pentland and PJ’s faces fall. 

Mr and Mrs Lester turned and left the room quickly as Pentland sighed.

“Well, no, not really. He was very restless, pacing back and forth for the better part of our visit, but Nurse Alison seems to think that that is just because he was worried that you wouldn’t be allowed to come back today. Aside from that, no change. That’s okay though, it will just take time.” Pentland stated, taking PJ’s hand and nodding, as if trying to convince herself.

Dan tried his best to smile at her, hopefully reassuringly, although it wouldn’t surprise him if it came across as a grimace. Being nice to his old enemies definitely felt unnatural. As they waved and turned to walk out of the room, he felt absolutely awful, and hit himself in the head internally as he stood up.

“Wait, wait…” They turned around and looked at him expectantly. 

God damn it, what a time to grow a conscience, Dan.

“Do you…do you want to come in with me? I obviously can’t guarantee that he will do anything, he might be freaked out and because of that shut me out after he touched me yesterday. But if he doesn’t, I don’t see why he wouldn’t treat me normally, he does when Nurse Alison is in there…”

He paused briefly. “Only if you want to, of course. I just thought you might like to see him actually being somewhat normal, you know.”

PJ and Pentland could barely hide their excitement, to be honest, and he didn’t know why he had thought they might not want to. Pentland nodded frantically. 

“Please, Dan. As long as you don’t mind, of course. We miss him, you know? That would be amazing.” 

Dan shrugged. “Do you want to go and get the parents? Do they want to come too?”

Pentland sighed. “No, they’re a little…let’s just say they’ve sort of lost hope? They’ve put a lot of their lives on hold to try and get Phil okay again, and the last few months have been really hard for them. They just need a break, so you’ll see us around more than them…”

She sniffed and Dan groaned inwardly, repressing an eye roll as PJ kissed her cheek and whispered who knows what into her ear. 

“I swear to God, nerd, if you just whispered sweet nothings into her ear we’re done.”

PJ shook his head as they walked towards Lester’s room. “We aren’t even dating, Howell, we’re purely platonic. You used to be like that with Fletcher, from memory, didn’t you?”

Dan blew out a breath, chuckling as he thought of his conversation with Carrie this morning and he nodded, not bothering to explain himself.

He stopped in front of the door and took a deep breath.

“Oh fuck me, I’ve sunk so low. I’m sorry, father. Forgive me.” He murmured, his hand still on the door. 

PJ scoffed. “Open the sodding door, Howell. My best friend has been ignoring me for two years. I want to see him blink or move or something. You can question how much your life sucks later. Let’s go.”

Nurse Alison joined them at the door. “What are you waiting for, Dan? Let’s go already.” 

He paused and looked around at the group of people surrounding him. 

Fuck, his life was so freaking weird.

He shook his head and opened the door to see Lester. He was walking from one end of the floor to the other, hands drumming on his thighs and staring straight ahead. His hair was sticking up every which way, and his lip was firmly clasped within two rows of white teeth. 

“Hello there, four-eyes. Restless today, aren’t we?” Dan asked, walking cautiously into the room with Pentland and PJ behind him. Nurse Alison pushed past and waved her fingers at Lester, before going and seating herself in her chair.

Lester looked up almost immediately, his blue eyes searching and then landing on his a second later, a huge grin spreading across his face. Dan couldn’t help but smile back at him, internally cheering at the fact that Lester hadn’t regressed after the incident yesterday. He was so caught up in Lester’s world that he almost missed the audible gasp coming from both of the people behind him. Almost.

Lester’s eyes widened noticeably at the sudden realisation that they weren’t alone, and he immediately dropped his face to the floor and began walking again, even faster this time. 

Dan turned and glared at Pentland and PJ, the first whose eyes were full of glistening tears. PJ sent him an apologetic look (either that or a constipated one, he wasn’t quite sure) and guided her to two of the armchairs against one wall, where they could sit facing the middle of the room.

Dan sighed, and when Lester walked past him he fell into step behind him. Three laps later, Lester came to an abrupt stop and Dan tripped over his own feet while Nurse Alison tried (unsuccessfully) to stifle her giggle. 

Lester slowly turned to face him, his eyes still downcast, and he inclined his head towards Pentland and PJ slightly, as if to question their presence. 

“Lester, there’s honestly nothing wrong. We’ve all already talked and everything’s fine, and I still have all of my genitalia, and so does PJ, I assume, anyway. I didn’t check. Oh, dear god, now I’m picturing his curly crotch, my poor brain…Lester, if you can somehow wipe my memory now would be the time to demonstrate that particular skill…” he trailed off as Lester looked up at him, his eyes gleaming with amusement and a small smile on his face. He pointedly ignored the PJ’s grumbling and smiled back at Lester, not wanting to scare him off again. 

“Anyway, moving hastily along, everything has worked out to be fine. I’m going to keep coming every day, and your friends are going to come whenever they want, too. So don’t worry about anything, it’s all fine. They are only in here today because they didn’t have any plans this afternoon and I could tell Pentland was enjoying having someone as gorgeous as I am to look at, rather than the company she normally keeps. I didn’t want to deny her an afternoon in my presence. I’m selfless like that, what can I say?”

He couldn’t help but smirk at the undignified squeaks coming from his left, and was rewarded with an even bigger smile from Lester, before he turned around and started walking again. Dan quickly returned PJ’s rude gesture before starting to follow Lester, who slowed his gait to match Dan’s so that they were walking side by side. 

A few laps later, he felt fingers tentatively brush his hand, before rapidly pulling away. This happened a few more times before Dan couldn’t help but exhale in exasperation, forgetting his decision to let Lester work through this at his own pace and stopped short. Lester kept walking, reaching the end of the room and then turning and approaching him, before stopping and looking at him questioningly.

“Look, Lester… you don’t have to be scared of me. Whatever you want to do, we’ll do it, no questions asked. If there’s something that I don’t like, I’ll speak up - I’m not a pushover, trust me on this. But until then, there’s no need to be afraid. If you want to walk, we’ll walk. If you want to hear a story, I’ll tell you one, I fucking love talking about myself. And if you want to hold my hand, then hold my fucking hand, yes?” 

Lester looked away sheepishly, obviously embarrassed at being caught out. Dan shrugged, leaving the next move up to Lester, and started walking again. Seconds later, Lester joined him, and after two laps, Lester’s hand grasped his firmly, intertwining their fingers together. He couldn’t help but smile widely at the side of Lester’s head and swung their hands in between them. 

PJ and Pentland were watching the exchange with wide eyes, and he could have seen PJ’s relieved smile from a mile away. Pentland was wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, the both of them clearly emotional at seeing Lester act like an actual human being. 

Lester looked at Dan, their eyes meeting almost instantaneously and Dan couldn’t stop grinning, thinking about how far they had come from his first visit. He then reached up and straightened Lester’s glasses on his nose, chuckling when Lester scrunched his nose. Lester grinned back at him, and with his free hand, reached up and tugged his ear.

Dan laughed. “Okay, Lester, story time. Want to hear about the one and only time Carrie played strip poker? It had a particularly nasty ending…”

And so the two boys walked and walked, completely lost in their own world and linked together by their tangled hands, with Louise and PJ watching on, overwhelmed and amazed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again so much for all your lovely words! I'd love to hear if there's anything in particular you'd like to see happen in this verse, so let me know if you have any ideas!


	11. Chapter 11

“Good afternoon, Doctor Nicholas. Thank you for throwing me into a lion’s den yesterday, I truly appreciate it. Some friend you are.”

Doctor Nicholas laughed, putting his tea down on the ward’s reception desk that Dan was leaning on. 

“Oh, come off it, Howell. They had already told me they were willing to give you a chance, I wouldn’t have let them hurt you.” 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Sure, sure. Anyway, Doctor Nicholas, I actually wanted to talk to you. Do you have a minute?”

Doctor Nicholas nodded and gestured for Dan to follow him into his office, closing the door over behind him. He took a deep breath.

“I’m just a little worried. I encouraged Lester to hold my hand yesterday, but I’ve been thinking, and should I not have done that? I’m hardly the person he should be cozying up to, and I don’t want to give him the wrong impression, and if I hurt him I really will lose my genitals, and I’m quite fond of them, you see-”

Doctor Nicholas held up a hand. “Howell, Howell! Knock it off. Fuck, you talk about genitals a lot. You know, I really wouldn’t want to be in your head. You have a bizarre train of thought, did you know?”

Dan frowned. “There’s no train in my brain.”

Doctor Nicholas shook his head. “Howell. Try to stay with me. If I thought you did anything wrong I would have told you that the first time he held your hand. Try and imagine if you were Phil. He’s spent two years without any sort of contact with anyone, all alone. It must have been lonely. And now he’s reaching out and you’re responding and surely it must feel good, to feel the affection he’s pushed away for so long. I think you’ve done a marvellous job, truly, Howell.”

Dan nodded. “As long as you’re sure. I don’t want to make anything worse.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled. “Just prepare yourself, Howell. Now that he’s let you in, he’s probably going to want to be connected to you in some way more and more often. He’s gone years with no sense of human comfort, and it will be hard to shut it off again.”

He couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. “That’s alright, Doctor Nicholas. If there’s anyone who can handle Lester, it’s me. Don’t tell anyone, but I fucking love cuddles. Trust me on this.”

He followed Doctor Nicholas out, smiling at the other Nurses behind the isolation ward reception desk. He stopped at the desk, leaning his arms on it as he waited for Nurse Alison to finish her paperwork. She looked up at him after a few minutes, one eyebrow raised.

“Problem, Dan?” 

He frowned, confused. “Well, no, but it’s just that I’ve been coming here every day at this time for several weeks now actually, if you remember rightly, so I was hoping you could gather all of your bits and bobs and join me in Lester’s room?”

She pointed at Lester’s door. “You know where he is, Dan. Don’t let me keep you.”

“But I can’t go in there without-”

She smirked at him as it all made sense in his head. “I don’t have to be babysat anymore?” 

She shook her head. “No. Louise and PJ insisted that as long as Phil was happy to have you, you were allowed in whenever and for however long you like. I told you they’re nice.” She replied smugly.

Dan sighed. “Yeah, I guess…Okay, I’m going. Don’t miss me too much, Nurse Alison!” He called as he turned and walked away.

Her laugh echoed into Lester’s room as he opened the door. 

Lester looked up from the couch he was perched on and blinked at him, smiling almost immediately. 

“Hello, Lester! Notice I’m without one particularly annoying and loudmouthed Nurse today? They have deemed me responsible enough to not murder you. Actually, maybe I should go and dispute that, can’t have them thinking I’m anything else but the root of all evil…” He trailed off as Lester reached out and lightly shoved him, a grin on his face.

Dan grinned back. “Ow, Lester, you absolute brute.”

Lester gently slapped him upside the head as he took a seat next to him on the couch, feeling pleased at how comfortable Lester was acting around him. Lester took Dan’s hand, slowly rubbing his thumb back and forward as he grabbed the book they had been reading a few days ago from the arm of the couch and handed it to him.

“Alright, Lester, if I’m going to read this one handed you’re going to have to help me hold it open.” Lester obliged, holding one side of the book open as Dan held the other side.

“Well done, Lester. Now, where were we?”

 

Dan sighed, watching Lester walk in circles, clearly wound up and agitated. He had been so calm yesterday, and it was disheartening to see him so restless again. 

“Hi there, four-eyes. You okay?” he murmured softly, eyeing Lester carefully. Lester didn’t even falter, but his eyes flew to Dan’s quickly before darting away. Dan let out his breath and stepped into place behind him, following him wordlessly. Lester stretched his arm behind him and reached for Dan’s hand blindly before finding it, squeezing his hand rhythmically. 

They walked in silence for several minutes before Lester looked at him again, reaching up to yank at his earlobe roughly. 

“Okay, Lester, I’ll tell you a story, don’t pull your ear off, you prat,” Dan quickly pulled Lester’s arm away from his ear and, without even thinking, reached out and rubbed Lester’s earlobe gently. Lester slowed down immediately and his eyes flickered closed, his head leaning into Dan’s touch. All of a sudden, his legs seemed to give way, and he staggered before Dan caught him around the waist, guiding him to the floor.

“Okay Lester, just sit down, here we go…” He sat Lester down and lowered himself beside him, both of them leaning back against the couch. Lester started drumming his free fingers on his thigh, his torso rocking back and forth.

“Fuck, Lester, you’re in a right state today, good god. Just try and breathe, that’s it...” He hesitantly reached up and ran his hand through Lester’s unruly hair, first gently teasing the ends before more confidently running his hand over his scalp, willing him to calm down. Lester’s eyes closed again and he leant his head into Dan’s hand, turning the side of his face so that it pressed into the back of the couch. Dan copied his position, turning to face Lester, keeping their fingers intertwined while combing through his hair soothingly.

Minutes passed, and he smiled inwardly as Lester’s fingers slowed on his thigh and his rocking ceased. 

“Okay, Lester, about that story. The first time Milly’s cat ever went missing, she was a wreck, so Chris, Carrie, Mill and I spent all night looking for it all around the town. Well anyway, Chris’s mum so would have caught us, had I not had been quick on my feet…”

 

Nurse Alison laughed at him as he entered the ward. “Dan, are you really still gasping for air? You would think that you would have gotten used to climbing that hill by now. You should really get over your aversion to a gym, otherwise it’s highly likely you will die very soon.” She stated matter-of-factly.

He scowled at her. “Firstly, that’s not going to happen, ever. Unfortunately, I think the possibility of getting any fitter and not feeling like I’m going to keel over every freaking time I come here is way out the window. And yes, Nurse Alison, I got that phrase from you, no need to look so smug.”

She smirked. “He’s calmer today. You did well yesterday, by the way. He was much more relaxed after seeing you than he was that morning.”

“I didn’t know what to do, honestly. I don’t think I’ve seen him that bad before. It was scary.” He admitted. 

She smiled gently at him. “You might not have been sure, but deep down you knew what to do. You handled it very well, Dan. I won’t say it again, though, so lap it up, Howell.”

He chuckled at her, walking towards the door. “Come visit us at any time, Nurse Alison!”

Lester was sitting in his bed, a closed book resting on his legs that were stretched in front of him, his bare toes wriggling back and forth. He looked at Dan, his blue orbs much more calm and coherent than yesterday as he smiled at him, patting the spot next to him on his bed.

Dan grinned back and made his way over. “Hello, Lester. You’ll never believe it, but I almost blinded myself with a paintbrush last night. That’s what I get for attempting to finish my latest commission while standing on my hands.”

Lester blinked at him, his jaw falling open in disbelief. Dan pointedly ignored him and finished getting settled onto the bed, stretching his legs out next to Lester’s and leaning his back against the wall behind them. Finally, he turned to stare back at Lester. 

“What?”

Lester shook his head, smiling as he pulled a blanket over both of their legs.

“Honestly, I thought it would be an entertaining and delightful way to brighten up a somewhat tedious task, but I most definitely do not have the upper body strength required. I’ll have to practice. Would you like to hear more about how I ended up a coffee-shop working, art selling, music therapy giving person, and how I got there? Or should we read?”

Lester shook his head and pushed the book onto the floor. He then wriggled closer to Dan, and then slowly, very slowly, lowered his head onto his shoulder. Dan couldn’t stop the grin that spread over his face, and he curled his arm around Lester’s thin shoulder, gently rubbing his arm up and down his upper arm, holding him close.

“Right then. Well, when school ended I didn’t really know what I was going to do, and to begin with I went a little crazy and just got blind drunk every night, you see…”

 

“Good god, Lester, what are you doing down there?”

Dan couldn’t help but stare, bemused, at Lester, who was crouched on the floor with his forearms resting on the ground, grinning up at Dan as he drummed his fingers on the ground. Lester sat up slightly, before motioning with his head for Dan to join him on the floor. Dan chuckled softly, shaking his head and dropping to the ground, mimicking Lester.

“So, this is the new conversation position, is it? Because I’m not going to lie to you, Lester, you look completely insane.” 

Lester grinned at him again and he felt his heart skip a little in his chest as the black hair fell into Lester’s eyes. Only because of the confidence Lester was showing, of course. No other reason. Obviously.

Lester suddenly placed his head on the ground and kicked his legs into the air, before falling flat onto his face with a loud thud. 

“Four-eyes, what the fuck?! What are you doing? You’re going to break your face!” He quickly helped Lester up, anxiously picking up Lester’s fallen glasses and checking for any breakages.

Lester rolled onto his back, the grin still firmly etched on his face and waved Dan off when he tried to hand him the glasses. He then got back into his crouched position again and Dan gasped, realisation hitting him.

“Wait, Lester, are you fucking kidding me? Are you trying to do a headstand? Like I did the other day?”

Lester nodded his head frantically, seeming slightly relieved that he understood.

“Oh, come off it, Lester, get the look of exasperation of your face. You should see yourself, honestly. You are not in the correct position for a headstand in the slightest. You look utterly ridiculous. How was I supposed to know what you were doing?”

Dan rolled his eyes and crouched down next to Lester.

“Alright, Lester, before you can do a headstand as excellently as I can, you’re going to need to learn the proper arm placement. Watch me, okay? And don’t just kick yourself up into the air again, wait until I’ve shown you and then if you promise not to freak out I’ll hold your legs. Doctor Nicholas will have to make a roster for all the people wanting to sign up to beat my pale but fantastically fit arse if you break even a toenail.”

 

Dan smiled his sweetest, most innocent smile. “Please, Doctor Nicholas? If he shows even one tiny ounce of negativity, I’ll drop the cards and kick them to the door and you can send in a retrieval team.”

Doctor Nicholas sighed. “Howell, it’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that I’m not sure how Phil will react to something new being brought into his room…”

He couldn’t help but scoff. “Honestly, he’s not as fragile as you think… You all treat him like he’s 5. No wonder he’s so depressed.”

Doctor Nicholas stared at Dan, a slight frown on his face and Dan immediately widened his eyes and raised his hands.

“Shit, sorry, Doctor Nicholas, I didn’t mean it like that. You’ve done a great job keeping him alive. Sorry, sorry…” he murmured, looking away guiltily. 

Doctor Nicholas laughed lightly. “Oh, stop worrying, Howell. Believe it or not, I do take your opinion pretty seriously, considering you’re the closest to him out of everyone. Give it a go, then, but if he freaks out you bring them straight out, okay? Don’t pressure him. You’ll have to find a new playmate to fulfil your Go Fish desires.”

Dan scoffed. “I hardly have a desire to play this ridiculous game, and Lester is not my playmate. I just remember him playing it in high school, and I thought Lester would enjoy it, because let’s be honest, he’s still a nerd.”

Doctor Nicholas smirked. “You know, for a smart ass little shit, you seem to be a pretty big softie when it comes to Lester. Now, hurry up and get in there, or your nerd will have a fit.”

Dan couldn’t help but smile, and he felt his heart swell in his chest as he presented the playing cards to Lester and was rewarded with a beaming grin. 

Ha freaking ha, Doctor Nicholas. Told you he would like it.

And, although he proceeded to lose almost every game they played that afternoon, he couldn’t bring himself to mind too much.

After all, even though he was losing, at least he was losing to his nerd.

(Of course, as much as he didn’t care he was losing, he always made sure to throw a tantrum afterwards. Because, as much as Lester was his nerd, he was still Dan Howell, and Dan does not take losing lightly. He had a reputation to uphold, after all.).

 

“Hello there, four-eyes. And how are we this fine afternoon?”

Lester smiled at him from the couch he was perched on, and as Dan approached he suddenly stood up, moving towards him. He froze, watching Lester get closer until they were standing almost nose to nose, green eyes searching his. Dan felt his breath catch in his chest as Lester held his gaze, feeling his warm breath against his skin, and as Lester’s head dipped down slightly Dan’s eyes fluttered closed…

And flew back open as he felt Lester’s hands patting his sides and then his arms, confusion evident on his features.

Dan let out his breath. What the fuck was he hoping for, a kiss?

Lester continued patting down the sides of his body, getting to his ankles and then looking up, a frown etched on his face. Comprehension dawned on Dan, and he shook away his thoughts of a kiss that he certainly didn’t want and focussed.

“Lester, are you looking for my phone?” He asked, cocking his head to the side. Lester nodded, scanning his eyes up and down Dan’s body again.

He stepped away, feeling oddly insecure. “I didn’t bring it in with me, Lester. No one does. Why, did you want to see it?” 

He didn’t miss the look of wistful longing that passed over Lester’s face quickly before it melted back into a neutral expression, and he lifted his shoulders briefly in a noncommittal shrug. Dan looked at him closer, and sighed.

“Lester, I don’t know if I’m allowed, but I’ll stamp my feet and cry and scream and if necessary I’ll throw myself to the ground and beat it with my fists in a true, Howell style tantrum until they let me bring phone in here, okay?” 

A huge grin spread across Lester’s face and his green eyes sparkled as he nodded, before linking his hand with Dan’s and tugging him over to the couch, pulling on his earlobe for a story.

Dan couldn’t stop the laugh from tumbling out of his lips as Lester pushed him into the seat and simultaneously curled up next to him, his head resting on Dan’s shoulder and leg pressed to Dan’s, their hands still tangled.

“So fucking bossy, Lester. Okay, let’s see, when I was about 15 Chris, Carrie and I stole some Vodka…”

 

“Oh, sweet fucking Fuck, this hill thing sucks…” he muttered, crouching over and exhaling loudly. A few more seconds of heavy breathing, and he forced himself to stand upright and start moving towards the hospital.

Walking in silence, he started thinking about the few things he had been pushing to the back of his mind in for days now. Unfortunately, these thoughts seemed to surround a certain blue eyed, black haired boy and his growing feelings towards the nerd he used to hate. 

Dan wasn’t foolish enough to deny his newfound attachment to Lester, and while he knew it was potentially dangerous and highly confusing, he didn’t quite know how to turn his feelings off. He knew Lester liked him as well, and was clearly comfortable with him, but the butterflies that appeared in his stomach every time Lester grinned or waved or grabbed his hand or just fucking blinked were clearly proving that Dan’s feelings went far past the normal friendship Lester felt. 

This was extremely confusing, however, as he was fairly fucking certain that he wasn’t gay. Or at least, he didn’t realise he was gay. Of course, it’s not like had a wealth of experience, a few kisses shared with Carrie before he realised how much it felt like kissing a sister, and a few quick fucks with girls he met in his two months of rebellion after high school before he got his life together. He had never been with a male, though, and these feelings had completely stumped him. He shook his head, trying to focus. He wasn’t gay.

Now, though, thinking about the blue eyes he was about to see, his heart clenched, and he found it harder and harder to remind himself of that fact.

Not that it mattered, anyway. He had always wanted to be friends with Lester, and now they were, and wasn’t about to jeopardise that. He could handle the sweaty palms, butterflies and the occasional dizziness he felt when Lester smiled. No problem.

He shook himself from his thoughts and pushed open the door to the ward, stopping short when he saw Nurse Alison’s panicked face.

“Dan, thank Fuck you’re here. Something happened, Phil’s freaking out and having a panic attack and hopefully you can fix it, now go!” She pushed him towards Lester’s door and he opened the door, eyes widening as he stepped inside.

Pentland and PJ were inside, both sitting down on the couch. Pentland was crying quietly as PJ held her hand and rubbed her back, both watching Lester and Doctor Nicholas.

Doctor Nicholas was crouched on the floor, his palms outstretched in a non-threatening gesture as he spoke quietly. But what shocked Dan the most, was Lester.

Lester was sitting in the corner facing Doctor Nicholas. He was curled into a ball, rocking frantically back and forth with his forehead pressed into his knees. His hair was positively frightening, but what was even worse were the guttural cries that he released, the sound filled with pain.

Doctor Nicholas, Pentland and PJ all whipped around to look at him as he entered, but he didn’t take his eyes off Lester, staring at him in horror. 

“What the fuck happened?” He hissed. 

Pentland let out a small whimper. “Well, he was fine, and PJ was telling a funny story about work…And he was talking, and Phil seemed almost interested, he wasn’t fidgeting as much as normal, and then he kind of moved his mouth and it looked like he was going to smile…I was just so happy because it felt like it used to be! And I guess I just forgot and I went to touch his shoulder…But I didn’t mean to upset him, I just forgot…” Pentland turned her head into PJ’s shoulder and cried, and Dan pushed away the feelings of sympathy fiercely. 

Feeling empathetic towards Pentland, what was the world coming to?

Doctor Nicholas waved him over, and swallowing dryly, he made his way over as Doctor Nicholas stepped back.

He sank to the floor in front of Lester, crossing his legs, and before he lost his courage he shuffled forwards a little, until their legs were almost touching. Lester’s frantic movements didn’t falter and he didn’t look up at Dan in greeting, which was surprisingly hurtful. 

He took a deep breath, and tried to ignore the others watching him intently as he focused on Lester. 

“Hi there, Lester, try and calm yourself down, yeah? Just breathe, you sound like you’re hurting yourself…” Dan looked around, panicked, and when Doctor Nicholas nodded to him reassuringly, he turned back, feeling determined.

“Lester, it’s okay, calm down, try and breathe, you’re fine…” He trailed off as he noticed Lester’s hand moving, slowly at first and then quickly towards Dan’s, his palm facing up. He took a deep breath, before moving his hand and tentatively touching Lester’s palm with his finger.

Lester immediately grabbed Dan’s finger tightly, and he exhaled, finally feeling assured of what to do. He held Lester’s hand closer and intertwined their fingers, scooting forwards so that his knees were touching Lester’s shins. Lester was still rocking and crying out, so he gently rubbed his thumb over and over the back of Lester’s hand, making soft, hopefully comforting noises and trying his best to pretend no one was watching.

He slowly reached for Lester’s other hand, and when Lester obliged and stretched it out, he pulled it to his own chest.

“There you go, Lester. Can you feel my heartbeat? I want you to try and breathe in time with my heart, okay? In and out…Come on, Lester, I know I’m not breathing that fast, that’s it…”

He sat there for what seemed like hours, rubbing the back of Lester’s hand and pushing his other hand into his chest, feeling and seeing Lester’s breathing and rocking slow. Finally, finally, Lester took an audibly deep breath and looked up, watery, bloodshot eyes sliding over his face before landing on Dan’s, gazing carefully.

Dan smiled, relieved. “There you are, Lester. You okay?”

Lester immediately looked away, and Dan pushed down the chuckle that he felt bubble in his chest at Lester’s obvious embarrassment. He tugged at Lester’s hand.

“Oh don’t be silly, Lester. No need to be embarrassed. Do you not remember all of the embarrassing stories I’ve told you recently?”

Their eyes locked again as Lester turned back to him. Dan smiled again.

“You okay?”

Lester nodded his head slightly, before shuffling closer to him. He then flipped Dan’s hand upside down, and uncurled his fingers, before closing his eyes and tracing his fingers along Dan’s palm carefully. 

He frowned. “What are you doing?”

Lester frowned and traced it again and again, each time looking more exasperated until the third time, when Dan’s eyes widened. 

“Wait – did you just draw a ‘P’?”

The corner of his lips turned up and he nodded, tracing it again on his hand.

He heard a gasp, and to be completely fucking honest, he almost jumped out of his skin. Truthfully, he had forgotten there was others in the room.

“He wants you to call him Phil…” Pentland murmured, sounding very much like she was in shock. 

Dan felt like the air was knocked out of him as he looked carefully at Lester, who was looking at the ground, before he looked up, but not looking at Dan, staring past him.

He watched on, intrigued as Lester painstakingly slowly raised his eyes to look at Pentland, right in the eyes. She gasped and he looked away quickly as Dan frowned at her.

“Phil,” she sobbed, tears rolling down her face faster now. “Phil, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, just please look at me again, I’m so sorry…” 

Lester looked up at her again, this time holding her gaze for longer as she stared back. Dan felt his heart constrict painfully as he saw Lester’s face stretch into a very small smile at Pentland, obviously trying to show his forgiveness.

PJ grinned and laughed exuberantly as Pentland smiled back through her tears. 

“I love you, Phil… We both do, so much, okay?” 

Lester nodded his head slightly, still smiling, before looking back to Dan. Dan couldn’t stop the grin spreading across his face as Lester traced the ‘P’ on his hand once again.

He took a deep breath. “I’m proud of you…Phil.”

The words didn’t sound as weird as they should have, they almost felt natural, and Dan watched as Lest-Phil grinned tiredly back at him, before he lowered his eyes, and then slowly laid himself down, obviously exhausted after his attack. He stretched out his legs and then, carefully avoiding Dan’s gaze, tentatively placed his head onto Dan’s lap, resting on his thigh. 

Dan pointedly ignored the small sounds of surprise coming from his right and smiled, gently untangling his hand from Phil’s and then began combing gently through Phil’s hair.

“Well, Phil, you’ve made Pentland so happy it’s highly likely she will create a lake for you in here from her tears, so well done you. Now just relax. I’ve got you.” He ran his blunt nails gently over Phil’s scalp and felt him relax into the touch, his head becoming heavier on his thigh.

They sat in silence for several minutes, Phil’s breathing continuing to slow down as Dan continued to soothe him, dragging his fingers through his ink black hair and tracing the shell of Lester’s ear with a feather light touch. Just when he thought Phil had fallen asleep, he reached up and tugged his earlobe once, before lowering his hand to Dan’s leg and curling his hand around the fabric of his pants, holding on tightly.

Dan couldn’t help the content feelings that washed over him as he felt Phil relax wholeheartedly into him. He heard Doctor Nicholas usher Pentland and PJ out of the room, and he took a deep breath.

“Okay, then, Phil…so one time I was climbing this tree in my neighbours backyard, when I saw a very peculiar sight…”

And he continued to tell his story until he felt Phil slip into unconsciousness, but even then, he couldn’t bring himself to stop running his hands through his hair. Just for a little longer, he told himself firmly.

Just a little longer.

 

“How is he today?” 

Doctor Nicholas put down his tea and looked at him. “He’s much better today, Howell. You did really well yesterday.”

Dan couldn’t help but snort. “Like fuck I did. It took me nearly an hour to calm him down. He wouldn’t even look at me, and he’s been looking at me for weeks.”

Doctor Nicholas shook his head immediately. “Howell, when Phil has a panic attack, it normally can last all day, sometimes he doesn’t calm down until he passes out from exhaustion, and when he wakes up it starts again. Trust me, I wouldn’t lie to you, and I know PJ and Louise are very appreciative that you were there. Now get in there. I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”

Dan smiled at him as he started towards Phil’s room. “Thanks, Doctor Nicholas. I appreciate it.”

Phil was sitting on his bed, swinging his legs back and forth as his glasses slipped down his nose. Dan grinned at him as the door closed behind him, and Phil waved enthusiastically, jumping off the bed and walking over. He smiled at him, before running his hands up and down Dan’s sides, clearly searching once again for his phone. 

“Sorry, Lest-Phil, I forgot to ask. I’ll try tomorrow, okay?”

Phil removed his hands and Dan tried very hard to ignore the feelings of disappointment that washed over him. Phil took no notice, however, and pulled him over to the couch, sitting down next to him and pulling out a book from fuck knows where. 

Dan sighed, hiding his smile. “Honestly, Lester, I’m sure-”

He stopped short as Phil pushed him in the shoulder, an indignant look on his face.

“What?! You’re so fucking abusive, Lest- Oh. Sorry, Phil. Better?”

Phil nodded, smiling, before pushing the book into his hands and curling up at Dan’s side, tucking his head into his shoulder. Dan sighed again, pointedly ignoring the swirling feelings of happiness that was flooding his stomach.

“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you’re a lazy git. I’m sure you can read yourself.” 

He felt Phil smile against his shoulder and he laughed, his suspicions confirmed. 

“Alright then, Phil… let’s see here…”

 

“Nurse Alison, where’s Doctor Nicholas? I need to ask him something.” 

Nurse Alison rolled her eyes. “Lovely to see you too, Dan. You’re so charming. He’s off today, actually. What’s the problem?”

Dan groaned. “I promised Phil I would ask him something. He’s going to give me such a hard time now.” 

Nurse Alison smirked. “Phil now, huh? Anyway, out of pure curiosity, how does Phil give you ‘hard time’ when he doesn’t speak?”

“Oh, you’ve no idea. He does speak, actually. He speaks volumes through his eyes, you should see the looks of exasperation he sends me. It’s ridiculous. And he beats me up, sometimes. He’s a brute.”

Nurse Alison laughed. “You’re such a wimp, Dan. Toughen up a little.”

Dan scowled and pulled his phone out, holding it out for Nurse Alison to take. She frowned at him.

“Phil won’t be impressed if you don’t take your phone in, you promised him a ‘true Howell style tantrum’, if I remember rightly. Are you wanting him to beat you up, Dan? Is that what you crave? You seem like you might be into some pain with your pleasure…” she mused.

Dan blinked. “First of all, I’m going to politely request you never, ever, mention anything like that again. That’s completely disturbing. Secondly, how do you know I promised him?”

“We do watch, Dan. Just because I’m not in there, doesn’t mean we aren’t watching your interactions, he’s our patient and we have to monitor his behaviour and progress. Doctor Nicholas was impressed when he asked you again yesterday, him asking twice in only a few days’ means his focus is intact and his memory is working fine. So he said as long as you’re in there, you can take in a phone for him. However, remember. He hasn’t seen any form of technology in years, and it was a very big part of the bullying he went through. It’s good that he’s expressing interest though, although we’d rather not a phone he’s seen before though, or anything that can trigger any memories. Also, let’s stay away from social media, yeah?”

Dan processed this. “Seriously? Well, I can take mine in. This is a new one, he nicked my old one, back in the day, actually. He’s never even seen this one before…I can’t believe that was so easy. Are you positive I don’t even need to beg?”

She laughed. “Please, feel free to beg if you so desire, Dan. But believe it or not, Doctor Nicholas trusts you. He knows you won’t push Phil and if he does freak out that you’ll be able to handle it. PJ and Louise feel the same – they’ve expressed to us that anything you want to try with Phil has their full support, within reason, of course.” 

Dan laughed exuberantly. “Well, who would have guessed? Alright then…thanks, Nurse Alison!”

He tucked his phone into his pocket and walked into Phil’s room, laughing again when he saw him in a headstand, his legs resting on the wall behind him. Phil’s face was red, but it nevertheless broke into a wide smile as he kicked off from the wall, flopping onto the ground and waving at Dan.

“Now, I’m sure I told you not to do those when I’m not here to make sure you don’t kill yourself. However, your form looks much better, Phil. Most improved award goes to you.”

Phil walked over to him and began patting his sides again, freezing when he felt the phone resting against Dan’s thigh. Dan smiled reassuringly at him.

“I told you I’d bring one in. Want to see it? You don’t have to, if you don’t want. I don’t mind.”

Phil stared at him for a second, before he nodded decisively. Dan slowly grabbed the phone and pulled it out, holding it loosely in his fist in front of Phil. Phil gazed at it intently, but didn’t reach for it. Dan gestured for him to sit down on the floor, and the two boys sat cross legged, facing one another. 

“This is my phone, Phil…I bought it after you stole mine, you remember? You sneaky little shit.”

He spoke lightly, hoping to keep Phil calm. He placed the phone on the floor and started sliding it back and forth between his hands, waiting for Phil to make the next move. 

After a while, Phil scooted forward. Dan watched as he held out his hands, obviously indicating for him to slide the phone to him. He smiled at this man’s strength and bravery, being able to deal with seeing something he hasn’t seen in years and what caused him so much pain. He slowly slid the phone to Phil, who picked it up gently and examined it.

“Want me to tell you about the day I went and got that one?” He asked. Phil nodded, before placing the phone on the ground and rolling it back to Dan.

He smiled.

“Well, I wasn’t sure if I was going to Apple or Samsung, so I did some research. Get ready for some insane phone triv, Philip, you aren’t even ready…”

And he continued to tell his story, warmed by Phil’s bright eyes focusing on the phone being passed back and forth between the two and steadfastly ignoring the bubbling pride and happiness that was swelling in his stomach.

 

Dan groaned. He was walking into the isolation ward, just finished having lunch with Doctor Warren when he saw a glimpse of pink hair. He really wasn’t feeling like having to deal with being nice to Phil’s keepers, and he tossed up the thought of just turning and walking straight back out. He would never do that, though, not while Phil was waiting for him. 

He took a deep breath and ventured further into the ward, grimacing when Pentland laid eyes on him and smiled, waving him over.

“Howell.” PJ nodded at him, and he nodded back, holding back numerous remarks that all sounded vaguely like insults. Pentland smiled at him again.

“We’ve just seen Phil. He looked at me again! Twice!” She exclaimed excitedly, her eyes suspiciously bright as Dan begged her inwardly not to cry. He was sure her eyeballs would fall out if she cried much more, they would be so soggy.

PJ nodded again. “Look, Howell… thank you. You know, for everything. He would still be staring at the wall if you hadn’t barged your way in here. And you really don’t understand how much it means to us.”

Dan’s eyes widened in shock at PJ’s honest tone and he quickly schooled his face into a neutral expression. “Believe it or not, Peej, I actually think I do understand. You three were always inseparable, I get that it must be hard to see him like this. Not that you would have paid any attention, but I’ve got people too. People I care about, like you two care about Phil. In fact…” He took a deep breath.

“I have two best friends, and they’re like my family. They’ve gotten me through everything. And I know that no one is supposed to know Phil’s here, but they really wouldn’t tell anyone, and they’re starting to worry about why I spend so much time here…” he trailed off as Pentland frowned.

“You haven’t told them?” She asked. 

Dan frowned as well. “No…why would I? I got told not to say anything.” 

She shook her head, bemused. “Wow, you’ve really changed, Dan. Of course you can tell them. Do we know them?” 

“Yeah, you do, but I promise, they’ve changed as well!. It’s Carrie Fletcher and Chris Kendall. We’ve been attached at the hip since we were all in nappies, really…they’re basically the only family I have left. You know how everyone thought of you as basically the non-magical Hogwarts Golden Trio? We’re like the meaner version of you guys.”

PJ opened his mouth indignantly to say something, but Pentland elbowed him in the side. “I’m sure Kendall has changed just as much as Dan, PJ...” She smiled at Dan. “Well, perhaps we can call you the Silver Trio, then.” 

Dan’s eyes widened and he gagged in complete revulsion and horror. “Fuck, no. Never say that again. Fuck.” 

They both laughed at him, and as they began to walk away Dan groaned once more before he gave in to his sympathy for the two. 

“Look, if you want to come in with me, be my guest,” he called, rubbing his pierced earlobe subconsciously. They turned around so fast he was surprised they didn’t fall over, and came back immediately.

“Yes, please!” Pentland said, grinning widely at him. 

PJ frowned at him. “Why do you keep inviting us in? Don’t tell me you enjoy our company?”

Dan shook his head. “Oh, don’t get so worried, nerd. I just know how I would feel if it was one of my best friends in that room…I would want to see them act normal, no matter who they act normal around.” 

PJ nodded, and Dan went out on a limb. “In exchange though, I have to ask…why are you guys being so nice to me? Why are you letting me stick around?”

Pentland and PJ looked at one another, before PJ looked at him. 

“Howell…you were a complete and utter little shit at school. You made our lives hell, made fun of us for getting good grades, called Louise names…but none of that matters. That was just school stuff, and you made a lot of bad choices, but then so did I. We’ve all made bad choices.”

“Yeah, you said some mean things to us for years, Howell. But honestly, it felt a lot worse at the time than what it actually was. You were never a bad person, you were just an insecure kid like us. But absolutely none of that even remotely compares to what you’re doing for us now, for Phil now. You’re giving me my best friend back – I couldn’t hate you if I tried. I fucking love you for that.”

Dan’s eyes widened in horror. “Gah, PJ, what the fuck, no love confessions, Fuck. Remind me to punch myself in the head later. Let’s go.” 

He ignored PJ’s chuckling as they went into Phil’s room, and if he felt any sort of elation at PJ’s words of approval, he was sure it was only due to his relief that he wasn’t going to get hit anytime soon.

Surely, that’s all it was.


	12. Chapter 12

He wasted no time in sending a text to Chris and Carrie as soon as he arrived home, telling them that he could finally explain his whereabouts over the last month and that he was happy to see them tonight if they were free. He then walked into the kitchen, making himself a cup of tea as he thought about his visit today with Phil.

It had gone very, very well, in his opinion, and Pentland and PJ seemed to agree, what with the huge grins plastered on both of their faces as they left. Whilst Phil had been tense to begin with, obviously thrown with the added presence of others yet again, he had quickly calmed down when Dan suggested they play a game of cards. 

After three games, Dan had invited the other two to play, and Phil had shifted over easily so that they could make a circle. They had played several more games, and he had seen Phil become more and more comfortable with them as time went on, obviously comforted by the friendly way in which they interacted with Dan. He had chatted meaninglessly with the both of them throughout the games to assure Phil that they were all really okay, and Dan wasn’t the only one who noticed Phil smiling widely at the floor when PJ told a particularly funny story about his day at work previously.

Afterwards, Phil had searched Dan for his phone again, and he had beamed in delight when he found it, before pulling it out of Dan’s pocket and holding it. Dan had allowed him to play with it for a while, before he gently took it back and turned the torch on, shining it all over the walls and making shadow puppets with his hand. Phil had just watched for a while, and just when Dan was about to put it away, he reached out and started mimicking the hand signals Dan was making.

Before long, Phil was chasing the shadows around the room, a grin so wide on his face Dan was concerned it would break. He opened an app that played a loud beep every time the torch flicked on and off and Phil had been mesmerised by the noises that filled the white room. He even asked Phil if he wanted to hear some actual music, and when Phil said yes, he signalled for Pentland to go and get her phone. Phil had waited anxiously for her to return, and when she did he was bouncing on the balls of his feet until she started playing soft, acoustic music. Phil had applauded, causing all three of the visitors to laugh, and they had continued to play different instrumental songs until Phil was exhausted. 

He begrudgingly admitted to himself that they really weren’t too bad company, although he shuddered to think of ever having to announce that aloud. No, he would have to settle with handing out scathing insults and hoping that they would see straight through them. 

He jumped as his phone buzzed underneath his leg. Dan wasted no time in opening it, before laughing at Carrie’s abrupt text.

'About bloody time, Dan. Come to mine. Feel free to stay the night. Chris is here already.'

An hour or so later, he tripped on Carrie’s front door stopper and went flying into the room, only stopping himself on Carrie’s couch. Chris snorted with laughter as Carrie simply shook her head and helped him up. 

“Oh hush, Kendall. I walked in and caught you falling out of your bed you were wanking so hard once.” 

He brushed his legs off before sitting down next to Chris on the couch, lifting his legs onto Chris’s lap so he could stretch out. Carrie curled up in her armchair and blew on her steaming cup of tea, before flicking her hand in Dan’s direction. Sure enough, when he looked down, another mug was sitting next to him on the coffee table and he grabbed it, taking a sip.

“Alright then, Dan. Out with it.” Chris told him, settling back into the couch.

And so Dan did. He started with the first day he seen Phil, and told them everything. The first visit, the reason he wanted to stay, the week of going back, waiting for something to happen, and then finally getting through. He told them all about his interactions with Phil, his behaviours, Pentland and PJ’s reactions, the hand holding and other touches between the two. 

A few times he felt a blush coming on, but Howell’s don’t blush, damn it, so he pushed the embarrassment down. 

He made sure to keep his strange feelings of affection towards the boy hidden, though, carefully schooling his voice into one of nonchalance. He knew they would most likely see straight through it, but hopefully they would assume the 12 year old in him was just thrilled to be Phil’s friend.

Both Carrie and Chris had stayed silent, and Dan appreciated this to no end, feeling like a weight had lifted off his shoulders after finally telling his best friends what had been going on. When he finished, they all sat in silence for a moment.

All of a sudden, he heard a snort. He looked up, and saw Carrie covering her mouth, her eyes screwed shut. Another snort escaped her, and then she broke out in exuberant laughter, doubling over.

Chris joined her only seconds later, throwing his head back and laughing so loudly Dan was sure that Phil could hear it even in his room at the hospital. 

Dan watched them, bemused, as they fought to hold themselves together.

Carrie gasped. “Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry, Dan, but…” she trailed off, bursting into laughter again.

“It fucking figures it would be you who could fix him,” Chris managed, before erupting in cackles again.

“Your life is just so fucking weird!” Carrie wheezed, before falling off her chair, clutching her sides tightly.

And then Dan gave into the absurdity of the situation. Here he was, paint all over his forearms after working on his commission this morning, only hours after he spent time visiting the boy he used to despise and tease relentlessly and cosying up to his other two nerdy best buddies.

He looked around once more at his two best friends, who never judged him, only accepted and supported him, not matter what decisions he made, and he laughed so hard that tears rolled from his eyes while he gasped for breath. 

He fucking loved his friends.

“So you’re finally friends with him, then?” Chris asked him a while later. 

Dan nodded. “I know. It took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that I was willingly spending time with him, but it turns out I really enjoy his company. And he enjoys mine, apparently. I’m sure once he starts speaking again he’ll become much more irritating, though.”

Carrie smiled and leaned forward towards him. “Well, I’m proud of you, Dan. For stepping out of your comfort zone and making new friends. Good boy, want a cookie?” She cooed, pinching his cheek.

He scowled at her, before turning his head and snapping his teeth at her fingers jokingly as she giggled, running her hands through his hair. 

“I’m just relieved you aren’t mixed up in some international cocaine smuggling crime ring,” Chris commented. Both Carrie and Dan turned to stare at him incredulously as he examined his nails. He turned to them, eyes wide.

“What? It could happen!” He protested.

They both laughed at him as Carrie stood up. “Alright boys, I’m going to get some dinner going. Play nicely.”

Several hours later, Dan headed to bed in his allocated bedroom at Carrie’s house. He pulled the door shut tightly, hoping to not wake them with his constant nightmares and hopefully if he started to sleepwalk, he would stay within these four walls. Curling into a ball, he softly muttered “Night Phil,” before even thinking about it and fell into sleep much quicker than he normally did.

 

 

 

He ran through the room, the vast emptiness overwhelming him as he searched for a way out. He was lost, in a room so black and so dark he couldn’t see his own hand in front of his face and so silent he could hear his blood rushing in his ears. Whipping his head around, he searched for anything to help guide him to somewhere, anywhere, just as long as it was away from the emptiness and darkness he was surrounded by.

All of a sudden, a searing pain lit up through his lungs, to his throat, and he dropped to the ground like a brick, screaming, crying, even begging for the pain to stop, and Howell’s don’t beg, but it really fucking hurt, damn it, so he begged. He could feel the pain slithering down his chest agonisingly slowly, spreading poison with every movement it made until it completely overcame him, not being able to remember anything that didn’t involve the pain he was feeling.

He raked his nails across his neck, scratching at the skin in the hopes of getting whatever the fuck was filling his lungs with anything but air out, but it didn’t work, nothing worked to dull the pain, and he wanted to die, because surely death would be better than this. 

And then he heard a loud crackling, and turned his head in horror to see a huge, burning flame coming towards him. He stood up and ran, ran as fast as he could, but the flames doubled and tripled and circled him, leaving him no way out, and the heat was overwhelming. He was sure his skin was bubbling and he heard the roar of the fire closing in on him, and he knew it was over.

All of a sudden, hover the roaring of the flames, he heard something else. Another voice, a male voice, calling his name and grabbing him around the chest, dragging him through a path not covered in fire. He winced, expecting a searing pain, but instead his still-throbbing chest was instantly calmed, tingling pleasantly as he was pulled firmly out of the room.

And then all of a sudden he was flying, the flames getting smaller beneath him and cool air soothing him, and he wrapped his arms around the waist of his saviour, and buried his face in the other man’s shoulder. He sobbed with relief as they flew up and up, away from the fire, away from the pain and the heat and the dark and the loneliness, and then they just stopped, hovering in mid-air as the man turned around to face him.

He looked into an ash covered face and sooty black hair, and his eyes locked on bright blue eyes. They stared for what seemed like both one second and one hour, and then before he knew it they were kissing, firm lips pressing against his.

It was hot and sweet and the lips parted underneath his, and Dan thought he had died all over again. Their tongues met and danced together, both fighting for dominance and giving in all at once and he was hotter than he was in the fire but this wasn’t frightening, this was the happiest he had ever felt. And he was drowning in the eyes, but it didn't feel like the drowning he felt once before, because this was beautiful, and daring, and not a bit painful, and they pulled apart and gazed at each other again, and he was still drowning in fucking blue…

 

 

 

Dan sat up in bed, panting, much harder than he would have liked to admit and drenched in sweat. 

“Oh, fuck no.” He groaned, punching the bed underneath him.

That was the moment he realised he was possibly, maybe, a tiny bit gay.

Probably more importantly, though, is that that was the moment when he realised that he was hopelessly in love with Phil fucking Lester.

Honestly, could his life get any fucking weirder?


	13. Chapter 13

He could hear Carrie moving about in the kitchen, and he walked to the mirror and stared at himself, expecting a dramatic difference after his sudden epiphany. Aside from his wide eyed expression, he didn’t look any different, still pale, skinny, and clad only in black boxers. 

Now that he realised he was crazy for Phil, it became obvious that he probably had been for a while. At least since they first held hands, if not earlier, if he was being honest with himself. He allowed a small smile to spread onto his face, thinking of Phil, before he pushed it away forcefully. There was no way Phil felt the same, and he was still so unstable…there was no way he could risk changing the way he treated Phil. He couldn’t afford to scare Phil off, and then send Phil reeling backwards in his progress.

Making up his mind was fairly easy, and he nodded decisively. He would ignore, push away and pretend his feelings didn’t exist so that he could remain friends with Phil. It was better to be his friend then be rejected.

He pulled a jumper over his head and started down the hallway, quickly deciding to keep his epiphany to himself. It would be much easier if he could just go about his business with no one prying about his feelings.

That decision felt fucking great until he stepped into the kitchen and saw Carrie, smiling widely at him from behind the bench. 

He took one look at her and felt his resolve crumble. This was Carrie. It was fucking Carrie Hope Fletcher, his best friend, sister, defender and confidant for as long as he could remember. He couldn’t keep anything like this from her.

He sat down quietly, hearing Chris humming to himself in the bathroom as she came and placed a plate in front of him before sitting across from him. 

“I really need to remember to get some more honey, I’ve been out for two days in a row now, and I do enjoy my honey in the morning. What a disappointing start to the day.” She murmured, frowning as she began to spread butter on her toast. 

Dan looked at her. “Carr…I need to tell you something.” 

She glanced at him briefly before dropping her eyes back to her toast, her tongue poking out the corner of her mouth in concentration. “Mm?” 

He took a deep breath, blinking back hot tears that sprang to his eyes. He breathed in again, before closing his eyes.

“I…I think I might be like, a tiny bit gay.” He whispered.

He kept his eyes shut tightly, wishing he could stand up and run far, far away from here.

“Oh. Okay then, darling.” She replied. He opened his eyes in shock and stared at her. She hadn’t even looked up, and was concentrating now on spreading jam across her toast.

He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but it most definitely wasn’t that.

He didn’t have time to ask her if she had heard him correctly, though, because Chris walked in to the kitchen and joined them at the table, his shirt clinging to his still-wet chest from the shower. 

“Morning all,” he said, sitting himself down next to Dan. “How are we on this glorious, rainy day?” 

Before he could open his mouth, Carrie beat him to it. 

“Well, my day started off well, except that I am out of honey, which as you know, is my favourite. Oh, and also, Dan has just told us that he’s gay. A little.”

Dan inhaled sharply, turning to look at Chris fearfully. Chris simply raised his eyebrows at Carrie, and then looked at Dan, eyebrows still raised.

“Fantastic.” He commented, before turning back to Carrie.

“So when do you think you’ll be getting more honey?”

Dan watched, completely bemused as Chris and Carrie continued to banter back and forth, passing breakfast condiments between one another. Chris was on his second piece of toast when he turned to him.

“You okay, Dan? Want some bacon?”

Dan blinked at him. “Are you being serious right now? You’re really going to ignore the fact that I just told you I’m gay? Or I might be gay?” He exclaimed, looking between the two in shock.

Chris sighed and put down his toast, before looking at him seriously and placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Dan, it’s us. We’ve stuck together through it all. We love the absolute shit out of you, and that isn’t ever going to change. Did you really think that we would care?” He asked.

Carrie nodded in agreement. “You’re still Dan, Dan. You’re safe here with us, and you always will be. You never have to be afraid of telling us anything, we’ll handle whatever you tell us. Now eat, darling, your breakfast is getting cold.”

Chris pushed a glass of orange juice in front of him, knowing that it was Dan’s guilty pleasure and he took a huge gulp, before smiling at the table. Why had he ever thought that his friends would be anything but supportive?

He listened to them continue to chat idly between themselves and he appreciated them giving him some space to come to terms with everything in his own time. Carrie waved some toast under his nose, and he grabbed it and took a bite, absently noting that she had buttered it exactly how he liked it.

She was a saint, that one. Truly.

All of a sudden, he knew. He trusted them with his own life, and they would never not accept him or support him through anything he threw at them. They had proved that, time and time again. 

He had a sudden flashback of Carrie, stroking his hair while he threw up at a school camp one year after one of his most intense anxiety attacks over being picked last for a team building exercise. She had let him cry, peppering his forehead, cheek, arm and anywhere else she could reach with tiny kisses and held him until he collapsed into unconsciousness, too exhausted to move. 

Through it all, Chris had sat at the door to the bathroom, shooing off anyone else who tried to enter and eventually half-carried Dan back to his dorm, before sleeping on the floor beside him all night in case he awoke in pain again.

He had another flashback of Chris, following him dutifully from one club to another after his mother died, night after night watching him drink himself into oblivion but not saying a word. One particular night, when he was too drunk to function, Chris propped him against the grimy walls of an alleyway, waving off passer byers who wanted to catch a glimpse of the weird, tall kid about to pass out. 

His head rolled, the world spinning, until Chris pulled him close to his chest and allowed him to rest his head on his shoulder while he called a cab.

He had thrown up everywhere as soon as they'd gotten back to Carrie’s flat, but Chris simply lifted him as if he weighed nothing and walked into the bathroom, before undressing him to his boxers and lowering him into the bath. Carrie had come in to wash his hair and spoke gently to him as he sat there, staring at nothing, while Chris cleaned the mess in the living room.

He remembered sitting on the couch afterwards, wrapped in a thick blanket while Carrie sat beside him, rubbing his back. He looked at Chris and asked him what he had been wanting to ask since the first night he had gotten blind drunk, almost two months ago.

“Why did you let me get like that?”

Chris sighed and looked at him carefully. “Dan, I’m your best friend, not your parent. I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t do. If you need to go a little crazy to deal with everything then do so, I won’t tell you otherwise. I’ll just be there to look after you when you can’t look after yourself.”

He hadn’t gone out to a club since that night.

He knew that they would stand by him through it all, and he knew he had to tell them everything. He stood up and walked to the lounge room, relaxing into the couch as they both followed behind him.

“So, I think I’m gay.” He told them, as they settled into their chairs.

Chris raised his eyebrows again. “Are you finally losing it? You’ve already told us.”

Dan shook his head. “I know I did, but I’m just confused. And I just realised that I don’t have to work it out alone, so I’m talking to the two of you.”

Carrie laughed. “You’re strange, Dan. Just don’t think about it too much, because knowing you you’ll overthink it.” 

“I just don’t understand! I’ve never kissed a guy, ever. So I guess I don’t really know if I am, I’m just having…feelings…what on Earth are you doing?” he asked, frowning as Chris moved towards him. 

“You’ve got a good imagination, right, Dan?” 

He frowned. “Yes, of course. My imaginations is fan-fucking-tastic, if you guys knew what went on in my head half the time I’d be locked in a padded cell. Why? What are you doing?”

Chris smiled. “I’m helping.”

And with that he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Dan’s firmly.

Dan made a small sound of surprise and pushed his shoulders away, moving backwards on the couch.

“Chris! I might be gay, but I’m not into you! Fuck, you’re like my brother, you imbecile!” He exclaimed, eyes wide.

Chris laughed. “I know that, Howell, calm down, you tosser. I’m just helping. You’re confused, because you’ve never kissed a guy, right? So close your eyes, pretend I’m someone else, and work it out.”

He leaned forward again and kissed him soundly on the lips, and after a split second of absolute horror, Dan thought, fuck it, and decided to go with it.

He allowed his eyes to flutter shut, and he kissed him back, trying his hardest to forget it was Chris and focused on the warm lips on his. They parted, and hot breath filled his mouth before they pressed together again.

His dream came flooding back to him and within seconds he was pushing Chris back into the couch, his hands running over broad shoulders and a firm chest. He opened his mouth and his tongue traced over Chris’s bottom lip, and all he could think was Phil, holy fuck, Phil, and then Chris firmly placed his hands on Dan’s shoulders and pushed him backwards, ending the kiss abruptly. 

He opened his eyes and they widened in shock when he was met with brown eyes, dancing with humour, rather than the intense blue eyes he had been expecting. He suddenly came back to himself and he felt his cheeks grow hot, before he shuffled backwards and grabbed a cushion to throw over his lap. Chris snorted with laugher as he relaxed back into the couch, his hands linking behind his head.

As much as he sometimes hated the bastard, Chris had completely gotten rid of his confusion. Never, ever, had kissing a girl felt like that. Muscled shoulders, a firm chest and a man who fought back rather than giving in were all things that he hadn’t known he wanted, but he not only wanted it, he needed it. Hell, he fucking craved it. 

“So?” Carrie asked, a little breathlessly.

Dan exhaled sharply before nodding. “Yeah. I’m totally gay.”

Chris nodded in agreeance. “Afraid so, mate.”

“That was so weird. I don’t know whether to be turned on or disgusted.” Carrie remarked matter-of-factly.

Dan grimaced. “Disgusted, Carr. Disgusted.”

“Hey! You certainly weren’t acting disgusted!” She exclaimed.

He scowled. “I know, but I was thinking about someone else. No offense Chris, not that you aren’t attractive or anything, but…”

Chris smiled easily. “All good. I get it. Happy to help. Just call me Chris Kendall – Sexuality Crisis Solver.”

Dan flicked Chris’s nose jokingly before he took a deep breath. 

“Okay, well now that that is sorted, there’s probably something else I need to tell you. And this one might be a little more of a shock, so you might want to brace yourself.”

Chris nodded. “You’re in love with Phil Lester?”

“I’m in love with Phil Lester.” Dan confirmed, before blinking. “Wait, what?!”

Carrie burst into laughter as Chris grinned cheekily at him, ducking when Dan went to hit him in the head with the cushion on his lap.

“Oh, darling! You didn’t honestly think we wouldn’t know exactly who spurred you to realise you were gay?” Carrie exclaimed.

Dan scowled. “Well, apparently I did think that, yes.” 

“Oh, knock it off, Dan. You tried to act indifferent when you were talking about him last night, but I know you better than the back of my own fucking hand. I figured you were hiding something. I’m not exactly surprised.” Chris told him.

Carrie nodded. “I mean, if you think about it, you and Lester have always been able to really get to one another, you know? Even days when you were in the worst mood, he could get something out of you. It’s not really surprising that he’s got to you again, he’s just got to you in a different way then he used to. It’s kind of the same way that you’re the one that got to him and got him to come back to the real world, you know?”

Dan pursed his lips. “That was surprisingly insightful, Carr.”

She preened, while Chris groaned. “Does this mean we’re going to have to get used to spending time with the nerds?”

He shook his head. “I doubt it. Nothing’s going to happen.”

Carrie frowned. “You mean, you haven’t told him?”

“I’ve only just found out myself! Last night, in fact. And no, I’m not going to tell him.”

Chris opened his mouth to say something, but Dan cut him off.

“Look, I’m not going to tell him because he’s still got so far to go. He’s still locked up in an isolation room, he still will only make eye contact with me and Pentland and he won’t touch anyone except me. He still won’t speak…I don’t know if he ever will speak again, actually.” He admitted, looking down.

“I’m not going to tell him because I care about him, I fucking love him, and I know it happened so fast but I don’t know how to turn it off. But I won’t tell him and I won’t change how I act, because he needs to get better. I’m not going to risk scaring him off.” He said firmly.

Chris patted his shoulder, nodding in sympathy as Carrie got out of her chair and came and sat next to him on the large couch, taking his hand.

“Oh, Dan. You never have made life easy for yourself, have you?” 

He snorted. “I know, Carr. Trust me, I know. I mean, why the fuck couldn’t I have just fallen in love with Cat from high school or something?”

“Cat would bore you to tears, darling. You know that.” Carrie scoffed.

He made a noise of agreeance before laying his head into Carrie’s lap, stretching his legs over Chris’s on the couch. She started stroking his hair automatically.

“So, you guys want to hear the newest Kendall family drama?” Chris asked.

He let out a bark of laughter at the abrupt change of subject, settling in comfortably as he listened to Chris share the newest twist in his Mother’s love life. Allowing a small smile to form on his face, his eyes fluttered closed.

Fuck, he loved his friends.

He walked into Phil’s room later that afternoon, determined to act as normally as possible. He stopped short when he saw Phil standing next to the window, gazing out of it and into the rain wistfully. 

“Hey Phil,” he murmured softly, not wanting to startle him. Phil turned and looked at him, a small smile on his face before he turned back to the window, one hand resting against the glass now.

He approached Phil slowly, before stopping to stand next to him. 

“What are you looking at?” He asked, watching Phil carefully.

Phil lifted his shoulders before dropping them in a noncommittal shrug, his hand falling back to his side.

Dan frowned. “Phil.”

Phil slowly turned and looked at him, his eyes wide, locking Dan’s in an intense gaze.

Dan took a deep breath. “I promise you, Phil, you’ll get out there again. I’ll keep coming here, every day, and I’ll keep forcing you out of your world and back into our world until the Doctor’s think you’ll be okay to leave here, okay? I promise you, if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll get you out of here.”

Phil stared at him for what seemed like hours, before he slowly reached his hand up and cupped Dan’s cheek softly. Dan couldn’t stop his eyes from fluttering closed, and when Phil stroked his thumb over his cheek, he couldn’t help his breath from hitching.

Phil dropped his arm, before stepping closer to Dan and resting his head on his shoulder, burying his face into Dan’s neck and looping his arms around his waist.

He laughed. “Guess I’m not the only cuddly one around here,” he joked, before wrapping his arms around Phil and resting his cheek on top of his head. They stood in silence for a very long time, and Dan was fucking drowning in happiness. 

That was when he understood exactly why he couldn’t make life easy for himself, and fall in love with Cat Valdes, or literally anyone else, for that matter.

Because Cat Valdes wasn’t Phil Lester.


	14. Chapter 14

Dan sighed, swinging his legs back and forth on his stool as he added the final drop of paint to the new shade of lavender he was creating on his palette, before starting to swirl and blend it into the rest of the paint. This newest commission was for the hospital, meant to relax and encourage the kids to sleep, but he was very seriously considering keeping it for himself, and asking Doctor Warren for some hardcore sleeping tablets while he’s at it. He had dreamt of Phil again the night before, and had woken up panting, wanting and hard. Whilst he normally hated taking sleeping tablets, dealing with the fogginess that surrounded him the day after seemed a small price to pay for going a few nights without having to deal with the overwhelming attraction he felt towards Phil.

To be honest, he felt awful, having these thoughts about Phil when he knew that Phil was still recovering. Phil was craving human comfort, yes, but that didn’t mean anything, and Dan really needed to get a grip on himself. He couldn’t take advantage of Phil, and he shouldn’t, even in sleep. He found himself wishing for a way to control his dreams, just so that he didn’t feel so fucking guilty when he woke.

He finished the base layer on the canvas, and after cleaning up the few spots he had dripped onto the bench, he jumped off his stool, humming softly to himself. He wandered into his kitchen and started to make a cup of tea, contemplating which stories he could share with Phil today when a soft beep from his laptop stirred him from his thoughts. As he reached for it, it started completely freaking out, beeping frantically. Dan let out a soft laugh.

“Alright, Mr. MacBook, don’t get your knickers in a twist,” he murmured, rolling his eyes inwardly as soon as he heard the ridiculous saying slip through his lips. Bloody Nurse Alison.

He recognised the email address from St Andrew’s, and unfolded it as he sipped his tea. It was only his monthly payment summary, and his eyes scanned it briefly before closing the lid of his laptop. He then proceeded to promptly choke on his tea and open the laptop again, reading it quickly a second time.

The pay which had been deposited into his bank account was more than triple what he normally received. While this was not an unwelcome discovery, (a few extra dollars never hurt, in Dan’s opinion) he couldn’t understand where it came from. He hadn’t been working any more than he did any other month.

He scanned the parchment one more time, before he took in the small writing next to the total.

Payments made from multiple departments, as stated below:

Oncology Ward  
Outside Authorised Worker   
Music Therapist  
Employee Number 81740293  
Howell, Daniel James

Marie Quantrient Ward (Isolation Ward)  
Level 4, Room 12.  
Carer/Advisory for Patient 23 (Lester, Phil Michael).  
Employee Number 81740293  
Howell, Daniel James

He felt the anger bubble inside him as he tried to stop his hands from shaking. Silently, he hit print on the payment summary, grabbing it front the printer and walking out the door.

He barely paused to catch his breath before he stormed into the hospital, shaking with fury as he moved almost automatically into the isolation ward. He saw Doctor Nicholas frown at him, concerned, and he gritted his teeth.

“Howell, what are you doing here? I didn’t think Louise had texted you yet…” He asked, standing up.

Dan blinked. “What are you on about? I didn’t get a text from Pentland. What I want to know, is why the fuck have I been paid from you guys? I’m not a fucking carer for Phil!” His voice raised to a shout, and he clenched his hands into fists, trying to control himself.

Doctor Nicholas sighed in understanding, before gesturing towards his office. “Honestly, Howell, no need to bloody shout,” he muttered, following closely behind him.

As soon as the door shut he whirled around to face the Doctor, a scowl on his features. 

“What the fuck is this?” He growled.

Doctor Nicholas looked at him blankly. 

“It’s your pay, Howell. Are you or are you not an employee at this hospital?” He asked.

“Yes, of course I am, but-”

“No, no ‘buts’, Howell. You’re an employee here, and you spend hours every day with a patient, rehabilitating him. That’s all there is to it.”

Dan shook his head firmly. He wouldn’t budge on this.

“No, Doctor Nicholas. No. I don’t care that I’m an employee, I’ll quit if I have to. I won’t be paid to see him. I refuse. He’s not my job, and I’m not a fucking advisory for him, what does that even mean, anyway? Seeing him isn’t work for me. He’s just Phil, and I’m just visiting him like his other friends.” 

Doctor Nicholas frowned, sitting down in his chair. “Howell, I don’t understand what the issue is here. I know you feel bad for Phil and want him to get better, but I want that too, and I get paid. You spend a lot of time here and I’m sure at home working out how you’re going to occupy him during the day, there’s no reason we can’t pay you for your time…”

Dan exhaled sharply. “No, please, Doctor Nicholas. I can’t be paid. I fucking love-” he trailed off, eyes widening and dropping to the floor as he caught his mistake.

“-spending time with him. He’s my friend, and I choose to come here every day. Please.” He finished lamely, knowing that his cover was ridiculous. So much for keeping that little piece of information to himself.

He looked up slowly at Doctor Nicholas as the older man stared back at him, eyes wide with sudden understanding and knowing. He fought to mask his face into a neutral expression, and bit his lip as he cursed himself. He felt open and vulnerable, knowing that the minute those words fell out of his lips Doctor Nicholas could read him like a book, and knew exactly how strongly he felt about Phil.

Doctor Nicholas took a deep breath. “Howell, you should know-”

Dan shook his head. “Don’t say anything. Please. I know it’s stupid, and I’m stupid, and I won’t say why I’m stupid out loud but I’m fairly certain you know what I’m talking about. Nothing is going to change, he’s still my top priority and I’m going to get him better. Just please, leave it alone and for fucks sake don’t pay me. I can’t accept money for spending time with him. I won’t.”

Doctor Nicholas sighed, before nodding. “Alright. I won’t say a word, as long as you know what you’re doing. And if you insist, I won’t lodge a payment again.”

Dan opened his mouth to thank him, when the door burst open to reveal Pentland and PJ standing there.

“Doctor Nicholas, we came as soon as we could, I’ve sent an text to Howell so hopefully he won’t be too far away – oh, Howell-Dan!” Pentland gasped, her wild eyes finally falling onto him. 

“Hello, Pentland. PJ.” He nodded, scooting his chair over so they could both sit next to him, in front of Doctor Nicholas’ desk.

They sank into the chairs, looking at Dan with confused eyes, and he frowned, all of a sudden just as confused as they were.

“Wait – why did you send me an text? What’s wrong?” He asked, his stomach knotting in anticipation.

Both Pentland and PJ turned to Doctor Nicholas, as he sighed.

“Dan…Phil is unconscious. He never woke up this morning.”

Dan inhaled sharply, looking from the Doctor to Pentland and PJ, taking in their distraught expressions and he immediately knew this wasn’t a joke.

Still, he couldn’t quite fathom that the boy he spent hours hugging yesterday was unconscious today.

“What?” He breathed, his face falling.

“That’s why we texted you, Howell. We thought you had a right to know.” PJ told him, rubbing a hand over his face wearily.

“We aren’t too concerned, Dan. Not yet, anyway. You see, this has happened before. A few times, actually, and he’s always woken up eventually, and has been unaffected.” Doctor Nicholas stated.

Dan frowned. “What do you mean it’s happened before? Why is he unconscious? Was he hit or something? Oh, fuck, did he try and do a headstand and fall? I told him not to try it when I’m not there, but he never listens to me, the wanker…” 

Doctor Nicholas laughed at him, shaking his head. “No, Howell, he didn’t hit his head. We don’t really know why he goes into these unconscious states…he doesn’t really sleep well, only for a few hours at a time and that is probably a contributing factor. We think he just gets worn out and his body needs a break. Sometimes he stays like this for weeks at a time – the longest one went on for 23 days. We’ll contact you as soon as he wakes, Howell. Until then, there’s really no point in coming here, you may as well get caught up with your music lessons, or doing whatever else it is you do…” 

Dan scoffed. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easily, Doctor Nicholas.”

Pentland frowned confusedly at him. “Honestly, Dan, he doesn’t respond at all when he’s like this. We’ve been here several times before – I promise we’ll let you know as soon as he wakes…”

Dan shook his head. “Pentland, I made him a promise the day he first looked at me. I told him I would come back every fucking day, and whether he’s awake or not makes no difference. I don’t break promises. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got several stories I’m sure he’s anxious to hear.”

He stood up abruptly, and nodded briefly at Doctor Nicholas, ignoring Pentland and PJ’s shocked expressions. He briefly heard a faint “Bloody hell…” muttered from PJ behind him before the door shut behind him.

He wasn’t mad at Pentland for what she said, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to break his promise to his nerd.

Phil’s door was closed, and he took a deep breath before walking in. It really wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. Phil was lying on his back, eyes closed and his face blank, deep breaths making his chest rise and fall. His arms lay by his side, and the covers were pulled up to his shoulders. He looked peaceful, resting at last, but somehow the image was wrong.

Dan was so used to Phil’s fidgety ways that seeing him so still was frightening. He kept waiting for Phil’s fingers to start drumming, his legs to start bouncing or his hands to start running through his hair anxiously. Seeing Phil so motionless, so stagnant, so fucking still was too weird, and even though he had been wanting Phil to finally relax and sit calmly since he first saw him, he didn’t want it to be this forced stillness. 

He took a deep breath and pulled a chair next to Phil, sitting carefully next to him. He frowned at the fact that he was still wearing his glasses, and he pulled them off gently before placing them on his bedside table. 

Did he really sleep in those things? How fucking ridiculous. 

He sighed softly, and reached out and took Phil’s cold hand in his, holding it tightly. Not feeling Phil’s hand grip his back hurt him much more than it should of, and Dan shook his head, trying to dispel his emotions.

“Hey, Phil… Fuck, this feels like it did when I first started coming here. Maybe I should go back to calling you Lester,” he mused jokingly, trying to keep his voice light. He was so used to seeing Phil’s eyes, widening with humour or exasperation or sometimes even affection, and it was strange not seeing them anymore. Even more strange was not seeing Phil’s little smile, small at first, tugging at the sides of his mouth before stretching into a full blown, toothy grin. He missed Phil reaching out for him, and he felt like he had taken 20 steps backward.

He really hoped Phil woke up soon and that he hadn’t regressed, because it was going to hurt so much more to see Phil back in his own world after he knew how responsive he could be. 

He sighed again, and started rubbing small circles into the back of Phil’s hand.

“It’s okay, don’t worry your pretty little head, Phil, I’ll keep calling you by your name. Now, I’m hoping you can hear me, because if you can’t, I will feel extremely stupid. Regardless, I’m here, and I’ll keep coming back every day, like I promised. Now, when I was in fourth year, me, Carrie, Chris, and a few others all snuck out one night to try and find the fucking Loch Ness Monster, if you can believe it…”


	15. Chapter 15

“Well Phil, I just thought you would like to know that Nurse Alison is wearing a top that is almost the exact colour of a dog shit.”

Nurse Alison scoffed loudly, shooting Dan a dark look as she checked over Phil’s vitals briefly.

“Don’t listen to him, Phil. My shirt is darling, it’s a chocolate brown, not a poo brown. Honestly.”

“Nurse Alison, I mean this from the absolute bottom of my heart. You look like you rolled around in hippo shit.” 

She huffed again, this time clearly fighting to hide a smile as she turned to leave the room.

“Goodbye, Nurse Alison! Do return for more enlightening chats soon!” He called after her, and then turned back to Phil.

“Be grateful you’re unconscious, Phil. That really was quite possibly the most atrocious shade of brown I have ever had to lay my poor, defenceless eyes upon.”

He sat down next to Phil, grabbing his hand and staring at it. Slowly, with his other hand, he began stroking the thin fingers, tracing over the bitten down nails and rubbing the tough callouses on his palm gently. He couldn’t help sighing as he looked at Phil’s peaceful face, and he tore his eyes away sharply, before inhaling.

“Alright, enough with the small talk, I thought you might like to hear all about the time when I tried to hunt you down in the North, after high school, because that’s where I thought you went. Problem is, I’m not great with directions and had no clue where I was, it most definitely wasn’t my brightest idea…”

Dan fell to his knees, panting as he fought to get himself under control. He had just climbed the hill to the hospital, and it was getting harder and harder to manage every time. He had actually managed to give himself a stitch yesterday, and had to wait with his hands on his head of several minutes before he could walk again, and a bloody family walked past and laughed at him. Which was quite possibly the most embarrassing thing to happen to him this week, to be honest.

Once he got his breathing back in order, he stalked towards St Andrew’s, trying to keep his anger sedated as best he could. His stomach had been hurting all morning, and to be honest he was in a foul mood.

He entered Doctor Warren’s office and perched himself on the edge of his desk, waiting impatiently for him to return from wherever the fuck he was. Several minutes later, he returned, and raised an eyebrow at Dan’s crossed arms and swinging legs.

“Well, what a lovely surprise. An irate Howell in my office. What can I do for you, Dan?”

Dan let out a whine. “My fucking stomach…it’s killing me, Doctor Warren! I don't ever get sick, and now I’m basically dying, and I’ll never see Kayne become President, or get to fulfil my dreams, or find true happiness, or-” 

Doctor Warren smiled gently. “I don’t think you’re dying Dan. Come with me, let’s run a few tests. It won’t take long.”

25 minutes later, Dan was sent on his way with a promise of results within the next few days and his worries lifted for the time being, mostly due to Doctor Warren’s reassuring words and fancy medical equipment that Dan didn’t understand. He rushed into the isolation ward, very aware of the fact that he was late to see Phil. He stumbled into Phil’s room and his foot caught on the door, sending him sprawling into the room, face first. He groaned loudly before cursing under his breath, closing his eyes as he rubbed his knee.

“Wow, Howell. You kiss your Mother with that mouth?” 

He looked up to see Pentland and PJ standing next to Phil’s bed, both clearly hiding laughter.

This day fucking sucked.

He stood up sourly, annoyed that he had let them see him in such a state. Even though he had deemed them both bearable, his embarrassment easily sent him back to resenting them both and he couldn’t help the scowl that formed on his face.

“Actually, Ligouri, my Mother is dead.”

He ignored both of their sharp intakes of breath and moved next to Phil, sitting down in the chair and taking his hand.

“Sorry I’m late, Phil. Was just getting some tests done with Doctor Warren, and they took a little longer than I thought. Sorry.” He ran his free hand through his hair, letting the fringe flop back onto his forehead and sighed.

“Howell…I didn’t know. I’m really sorry.”

He closed his eyes and nodded. “It’s fine. I’m just having a really, really shitty day. Not your fault. Didn’t think you were going to visit him until he was awake, Pentland,” he commented softly, trying his hardest to keep the judgmental tone out of his voice and not quite succeeding. 

She sighed. “You were right, Dan. You were right. Of course we shouldn’t stop coming just because he’s asleep. Once again, you’re a better friend to him than we are.” 

He winced. “Look, Pentland, I-”

She shook her head, smiling sadly. “I know it’s not what you meant. But it’s the truth. You’ve come in and completely brought him out of his shell, and back into reality, and we’ve tried for two years and got nowhere. We must be doing something wrong.”

He kept his eyes locked on Phil’s impassive face, slightly glad that he was asleep and not able to witness him comforting two of the founding fucking members of the chess club from high school. He would never let him live it down. 

“I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, Pentland. I don’t know why Phil responded to me. But I do know that he looked at you. He didn’t have to, and he could have just continued to only make eye contact with me. But he looked at you, and he wouldn’t have done that unless you meant a great deal to him. He might want me in his life, for some reason, but that doesn’t mean he wants you out of it, or me to replace you. That’s just ludicrous.”

He looked at her briefly, before whipping his head away sharply when she nodded and her eyes grew damp, and he cursed inwardly at having sparked yet another set of tears from the girl.

He felt PJ clap his hand on his shoulder. “We’ll leave you to it then, mate.” He leant down closer to Dan’s ear and muttered softly, “Thanks, Howell.”

Dan watched him gather her into his arms and steer her out the door, and then looked back at Phil.

He sighed, yet again. It seemed to be all he did, lately.

“Honestly, the crap I put up with for you. Phil, I swear to God, when you wake up, if you’ve gone back to giving me the silent treatment after all this…I’ll kill you.”

He let his threat hang in the air as he ran his fingers through Phil’s hair gently.

“Alright then, Phil. Want to hear about Lucas’s strange aversion to honey, and how we all exploited that one morning? Course you do…”  
______________________________________________________________________________

“Afternoon, Nerd. Fancy seeing you here, huh?”

Dan strolled into the room and sat down next to the bed. He gently took Phil’s hand and nearly dropped it in shock of how fucking cold it was, and he promptly began rubbing it between his two hands briskly.

“God, Phil. By the time you wake up your hands will have dropped off, they’re that cold. Fuck.”

He pulled the cover up and tucked it around Phil’s shoulders, before closing his eyes in defeat as he heard a scoff from behind him.

“Oh my, Dan, you little mother hen, you…” Nurse Alison cooed with a smirk on her face as she walked up to the bed.

Dan scowled. “Shut it, Nurse Alison. His hands feel like they’ve been resting on a brick of ice for several hours. If you would do your job better, I wouldn’t have to fuss all over him.”

She laughed. “My deepest and most sincere apologies, Dan. What story are you telling today?”

“I’m just going to read today, we’re halfway through The Dragon Who Flew Around The World. It’s some ridiculous novel that he chose. I’m just about to read the last chapter, and then hopefully we can move on to something a touch more astute.”

Nurse Alison frowned. “But you just said you were only halfway through, why are you now reading the last chapter?”

“Well, as I said, it’s really, really dull. It’s taking so long to get through the bloody thing, we’ve been reading this one for weeks. It’s because he’s terribly distracting when he’s awake, always losing focus and stopping paying attention, so reading the bloody thing takes twice as long as it should. He’s a fucking menace, honestly. So, rather than wait for him to wake and then resume the struggle of reading it, I’ve decided that as upsetting as it is that Phil is unconscious, I may as well get some good out of it. I’m just going to read the last chapter so that I know how it ends if he asks, and I’ll tell him I read the whole thing while he was out. He won’t want to put me out and make me read it again, I’m sure. He’s a nerd, but he’s polite.”

Nurse Alison laughed at him as she finished noting Phil’s vitals down. 

“Well, personally, I’m holding out hope that when he wakes up he reveals that he heard everything that happened and can remember that. Particularly, the part where you call his favourite book ‘ridiculous’ and the part where you call him a menace. That’s just me though.”

She smiled wickedly at him and left the room as Dan stared down at Phil, a look of absolute horror on his face.

“Oh, fuck.”  
______________________________________________________________________________

He sighed loudly, drumming his fingers unconsciously on Phil’s pillow. He had just finished his second story of the day, and was quickly becoming sick of staring at an unconscious Phil Lester. He caught sight of his fingers and stilled them immediately, smiling in spite of himself.

“You’re rubbing off on me, loser.”

He rubbed his eyes, frustrated and stood up abruptly. He normally was here for much longer, but he couldn’t keep sitting in silence today. Something about it was grating at his nerves and he knew he desperately needed a cup of tea, otherwise it was highly likely he would start shouting at Phil to wake the fuck up, damn it.

He said his goodbyes and brushed his fingers lightly over Phil’s forehead before turning and walking out of the room, exhaling loudly. 

“Howell! You leaving already? You’re normally hanging around like a bad smell for another hour, at least.”

He wrinkled his nose. “That’s a disgusting expression, Doctor Nicholas. Did Nurse Alison teach you that one?” 

A loud, booming laugh echoed through the lobby, and he turned to see Nurse Alison behind the desk, clearly eavesdropping and giving Doctor Nicholas a thumbs up.

Doctor Nicholas grinned. “How did you guess, Howell? Anyway, is everything okay? Seriously, we normally have to push you out the door.”

“Everything’s fine, Doctor Nicholas. I’m just a little tired today, that’s all. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

He walked out of the door and twisted to scratch his shoulder before staggering, holding his stomach in agony.

“Motherfucker.” He wheezed, hand clutching his side, before making his way to the tube.

He walked into his apartment and collapsed onto the couch, resting his free arm over his forehead and exhaling loudly. He laid in silence for several seconds, his breathing echoing loudly through his flat. Sighing, he stared at the kettle in frustration and wished he had superpowers.

While he still wasn’t great at living alone and maintaining a tidy flat, he managed. After high school, Carrie had decided to completely defy her Father in every way possible and had dropped all plans of studying Nursing, before embracing cooking. Turned out she was actually quite good at it and thoroughly enjoyed it, which worked fine for him.

He couldn’t help but smile when he thought of Carrie and her stubbornness, openly defying her Father by throwing away all of her Fathers plans for her higher education and learning how to cook, which is the one thing he didn't want her to do, and then comparing her to Chris. Chris, who quite frankly didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thought and still lived at home with his family.  
Hauling himself into a sitting position, he groaned loudly and stood up, stretching his arms above his head. He walked over to the kitchen, grabbing his favourite blue stripy mug and a teabag from the counter before reaching for the jug.

After filling it, his hands wrapped around the handle and he paused for a moment, frowning when he couldn’t lift it. He tried again and let out an involuntary groan at the pain shooting through his side.

“What the fuck…” he muttered, twisting one way and the next, stretching before trying to lift it again. The pain shot through him once more, and he promptly shouted an expletive. 

A beep from his laptop stirred him from his frustration and he turned around, opening it to the new email flashing on the screen.

Howell, 

Phil’s awake. He woke up only 20 minutes ago, and he’s fine. Visiting hours are till 6 today, so if you want to come back and see him feel free (I’m sure he wouldn’t object). I’m sure I’ll see you soon.

Doctor Nicholas 

He closed his laptop, his frustration long forgotten and he let out a whoop of excitement before dropping the piece of shit heavy kettle back in the sink. He grabbed his shoes and pulled them on, and ran out to try and catch a taxi.

The last thing he remembered was getting to the top of the hill and briefly seeing his tree at the front of St Andrew’s, before everything went black.

He opened his eyes slowly, groaning as he tried to focus on the darkness in front of him. 

“Well, good morning sunshine. Rough day?”

He groaned again, loudly this time. “Fuck off, Kendall.”

Chris laughed loudly, his white teeth gleaming in the darkness. “You’re an idiot, Dan.”

“What happened?”  
“Your appendix burst, dumbass. Some worker found you collapsed outside the hospital and brought you in yesterday.” 

He sighed, closing his eyes, before they flew open again. 

“Fuck! Phil’s awake! I have to go-”

Chris grabbed his shoulders forcefully and pushed him back into the pillows.

“Whoa, calm down, crazy! It’s the middle of the night, Lester’s sleeping. You can see him when your fucking left ear has stopped seeping blood from where you knocked it on the tree.”

Dan’s hand flew up to cup his head, and felt a thick layer of bandages wrapped around it. He scowled when Chris chuckled and he closed his eyes, feeling exhausted.

“Why are you even here?” He asked, opening one eye to look at him.

Chris smiled. “Oh come on, Dan. You’re in the hospital, where else would I be? Carrie’s here too, she’s just gone out to get some tea. Go back to sleep, okay? We’ll be here when you wake.”

His eyes closed again as he smiled slightly back at Chris and gave in to the exhaustion.

He stirred slowly some time later, fighting to keep his expression neutral as he took in the sounds around him.

“Chris, just tell me! Who is she? Do I know her? Is she younger? Is she older? I bet she’s older. Who is she?”

“Yeah Chris, who is she?” He croaked, opening his eyes slightly.

Carrie gasped. “Oh, thank god, Dan!” She jumped towards him and wrapped her arms around him.

“Give the man some space, Car. It was just keyhole surgery, he’s not dying.” Chris leant forwards and pulled her away, winking at Dan’s thankful look. 

Carrie huffed. “Well, it was a pretty serious surgery, Chris. Doctor Warren said it was really bad. And you can’t talk, I saw you hovering your hand over his mouth to check that he was breathing when you thought I wasn’t looking last night.”

Dan laughed, looking at Chris whose mouth was opening and closing, clearly searching for a comeback.

“You know what? I’m just going to go grab Warren. And then grab some breakfast, you look starved Dan, sound good? Good.” He backed out of the room as Carrie smirked at him.

Carrie looked back at him and smiled, running her hand through his hair.

“You feeling okay, Darling?”

He nodded, quickly assessing. 

“Yeah Car, I’m okay. My stomach was pretty sore last night, but it’s better now. What time is it?” 

“Only just gone 6 in the morning. I’ll have to head to work soon.” 

“Good to see you awake, Dan!”

They both turned to see Doctor Warren entering the room with Chris, an amused grin on his face and a stack of papers in his hands. Dan turned his head, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment at having to be treated by his own boss.

Doctor Warren chuckled. “Oh, get over yourself, Howell. It’s only me. How’s that stomach feeling?”

Dan shrugged. “It’s okay. Can I go now? Phil’s awake, he’ll want to see-”

“Just chill a minute, Dan, Jesus,” Chris mumbled. Dan threw him a dark look and made to throw his legs over the bed, before getting yelled at by three different voices.

“Dan, lie back down right now.” Doctor Warren told him firmly. Dan groaned and whined a little as he flopped back onto his back, wincing as he moved too fast.

“See?! That’s exactly right, Howell. You’ve JUST had surgery for a burst appendix. You hit your head, and you’ve got a nasty cut on your arm from the tree, and I just got your ear to stop bleeding, damnit, so you’re going to lie there and recover until I say so, got it?”

Dan groaned again. “Warren, if I don’t show up Phil’s going to think I’m mad at him or something, and that I don’t care, and that I'm never going to come back and I promised him I would, I promised him I’d be there everyday, you don't understand…”. He trailed off, feeling worse and worse about leaving Phil alone.

Warren signed and sat down next to him. “Dan, Phil’s going to be fine. I promise. He’s worried about you, sure, and so are Louise and PJ-” he very politely chose to ignore the scoff that came from Chris and continued on. “-but we’ve told him you’re fine and that you'll be back in a few days.”

“A few da- OW, OH, FUCK!”

“Dan, for the love of god, LIE DOWN!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,
> 
> I am SO SO sorry for the wait. Life got crazy on me. I'm Australian, and I actually met Dan and Phil last weekend which was insanely cool! They were at a convention and me and my friend drove 12 hours to meet them (it was well worth it).
> 
> Sorry for the wait, keep the reviews coming! Thank you for all your kind words!


	16. Chapter 16

Three days later, Dan was about ready to lose his fucking mind. Knowing that he was literally in the same building as Phil, but that no one would let him out of his bed for a second longer than he needed to pee was destroying him, and he was about to start clawing at the fucking walls if he didn't see Phil with his own two eyes and make sure he hadn't fallen to pieces in Dan’s absence.

He saw Doctor Warren walk by his window and about fell out of his bed as he scrambled upright.

“Doctor Warren! Doctor Warren, hi, what a lovely day to be let free from my cozy bed prison don't you think, I feel great this morning, how about you, I really -”

Doctor Warren laughed as he entered the room. ‘I don’t know, Howell, you don't look quite ready to leave yet. We might need to keep you for a few extra days just to monitor your levels, what do you think?”

Dan threw him his darkest glare and waited impatiently while Doctor Warren grabbed his clipboard and starting reading over his vital signs. After some of the longest minutes of his life, Doctor Warren looked up at him with a smile.

“Rightio, Howell, let’s get that IV out of you and you can be on your way.”

An hour or so later, Dan basically skipped out of the door and to the elevators, ignoring Doctor Warren’s shouted warning to ‘slow down, for gods sake Dan!’. Once he got to Phil’s floor, he started jogging into the ward, shouting a quick hello to Nurse Alison before throwing open Phil’s door.

“Phil holy fuck I am so sorry - oh, shit.”

Phil was sitting on the couch, staring at him in obvious relief that he was back with a growing smile on his face, but it wasn’t Phil Dan was focused on (for once, his brain helpfully supplied). No, he was focused on the 8 other people sitting in the room, staring at him with confusion and amusement from some of them.

Now, the logical part of his brain could understand this. Phil had other friends. Those other friends are more than likely going to visit him every now and then. This makes perfect sense. Obviously, these other friends are aware that Dan is around now, and were prepared to see him burst in the door at any given time, and he knew if he just walked in and said hello, it would all be fine.

Unfortunately, there was a larger part of his brain that wasn’t having that. He recognised Pentland and PJ, which would have been fine, but he also recognised others from high school, others that hated him and he them. Seeing them all sitting in a group together, looking at him as though he was insane made him feel just as awkward and miserable as he was in high school, and without a second thought he turned around and walked back out of the room, letting the door slam behind him.  
—————————————————————————————————————————---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Louise opened her mouth to reassure Dan that everything was fine, but it was too late. He was gone, the door swinging firmly shut and echoing through the suddenly quiet room. She looked over at PJ in panic, who was sitting with Sophie and they both turned to Phil. 

Before Dan had come in, Phil had been the best he had been since he’d woken up. He was making direct eye contact with both herself and PJ every now and then, and they had all heard him chuckle quietly at a joke that Dean had made. Even though he had been extremely restless since he heard that Dan wasn't well, having their friends come in had really lifted his spirits and it had almost felt like old times.

Now though, he was staring at the door, his hands balled into tight fists and the incessant rocking that he had been plagued with since he heard the news of Dan’s health had returned even worse then before.

She saw Martyn look away and reach for Cornelia’s hand as if he’d been punched, and she felt heartbroken for him. He had just seen his little brother doing so well, and then all of a sudden that was ripped away and he had reverted back to this awful state.

“Phil, it’s okay, Dan was just surprised to see so many of us in here, that’s all. It wasn’t you, try and stay calm, okay?” PJ murmured, looking at Louise for reassurance. She watched as Phil’s rocking didn’t even slow, but his eyes fell slowly from the door to the floor, as if he had lost hope that Dan was going to walk back in. Her heart clenched and she knew she had to do something now, before Phil completely drew back into himself.

She stood up abruptly and walked over to Phil, crouching in front of him. “It’s alright, love, just a misunderstanding. I’ll go get him right now, okay? PJ, why don’t you and Jack tell Phil about the other night, I’m sure he’d love that story!” 

She threw PJ a look, and he immediately started telling a story, trying to buy Louise some time while she quickly walked out of the room, going to find a certain dramatic Daniel Howell.  
—————————————————————————————————————————---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Dan was sitting in an armchair just outside of the isolation ward with his head in his hands. He was stupid to have thought that Phil would just be sitting there waiting for him to get better and come back to visit, anyway. 

He heard the click of high heels coming this way and he took a deep breath. 

“Look, Alison, I’m sorry, I know I’m being a waste of space, I’ll head home in a second, yeah?”

“I’d rather you didn't, actually.” 

He looked up in shock to see Pentland standing in front of him, hands on her hips. He groaned inwardly. Great. Just what he needed, someone to rub in his embarrassment.

“What do you want, Pentland? I’m sorry I crashed the high school reunion, no one told me Phil was booked out today, fuck.”

Louise clicked her tongue and sat down next to Dan. “As usual, Howell, you're being very dramatic and insecure, and there’s no need. I’m sorry for the tough love, but you just stormed out without giving any of us a chance to behave normally. We weren't friends in high school, no, but we’ve all grown up. I thought you, PJ and I were getting along great the last few weeks, and I didn’t realise you were back already. Phil’s been having a really hard time since he woke up, he’s been so worried about you, and so we organised for a few friends to come around at once to brighten the mood and take his mind off things. If it makes you that uncomfortable, we’ll all leave, but you’ve committed to Phil, Dan, and he’s a wreck in there now. You need to go back in there.”

Dan looked up at Pentland. “What are you on about, Pentland. He looked completely fine in there with all of you. He doesn’t need me in there too.”

Pentland looked at him seriously for a second, and then reached and patted his knee. Dan looked at his knee in confusion before looking back at her.

“You know Dan, I never realised how insecure you were. I’m sorry you feel that way but you don’t need to.”

Dan dropped his eyes to his lap, feeling his face burning up and, weirdly enough, tears springing to his eyes.

“Phil wasn’t fine. He’s been so down since he heard about your surgery. I invited everyone to try and lift his spirits, Dan, but in no way have any of us even compared to the connection you have with him, please believe me. He needs you and for a while he couldn't have you, so he made do with who he could have. I’m sure you'd prefer that then for him to completely draw back into himself, yes?”

Dan sniffed and rubbed his face. “…Yeah, of course.”

Pentland patted his knee again. “I’m sorry if you felt ambushed, Dan, it wasn't anyone’s intention. Both PJ and I have told everyone in there exactly how much you’ve done for Phil. They are all aware of who has brought Phil back to us, as am I, Dan. That’s you. And they’re all extremely grateful and indebted to you, and absolutely no one is holding onto the past. not with what you’ve given to us all. Okay, love?”

Dan sighed and rubbed his eyes again, before sitting up straight. “Yeah, I'm sorry. I overreacted. High school fucks me up even now, sometimes. Sorry, Pentland.”

She clicked her tongue again. “Don’t apologise, Dan. I just don't want you to ever feel hurt or left out, at the end of the day you are the most important person to Phil and you need to know that. Would you like me to usher everyone out?”

“No. Well, yes, but no, please don’t. As much as I feel weird about it, I don't want them all to have the impression of me that I’d kick them out before I’ll go in. You’re right, we’ve all grown up since then. Just give me a minute to sort myself out, yeah?”

She smiled. “Of course. I’m going to be very abrupt here, but I feel like we’ve become closer as people and so can I have a hug, Dan?”

Dan exhaled loudly and laughed. “Oh, sure, why not, bring it in, Pent-…Louise.”

Louise grinned and wrapped her arms tightly around Dan, and he laughed again as he hugged her back. She pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before standing up and making her way back to Phil’s room.

Dan sighed, rubbing his face and breathing in deeply for a second before running his hands through his hair and standing up. He walked back into the ward and pointedly ignored Nurse Alison’s smug face as he made his way to the door, before taking a deep breath and walking in for the second time today.

The mood was completely different this time, with PJ talking loudly and clearly trying to pretend that everything was okay, when it wasn’t. Phil was rocking back and forth, fingers scratching at his legs and eyes locked on the ground. Louise had sat down next to Sophie who was watching Phil with sad eyes, and while Dan watched she took her hand and smiled at him.

Dan tried his best to ignore the eyes that were on him as he walked up to Phil, who didn't even acknowledge his presence. Once he got close, he crouched down in front of the couch so he was looking into Phil’s face. His eyes were still locked on the ground, but Dan could clearly see the dark bags underneath his eyes, and he felt like hitting himself for assuming that Phil hadn't been affected whatsoever by Dan’s absence.

“Hey, Phil.” He said quietly, watching for a reaction.

Phil’s rocking faltered, before starting again even more rapidly.

“Phil, I’m sorry. I promise I’m here now and I won’t walk out again, I’m sorry, there was just a lot of people in here and I’m weird, you know that. I’m sorry though, I shouldn't have walked out. Just look at me, please…” he heard his voice crack embarrassingly as tears threatened to spill again and he trailed off, waiting anxiously for a reaction.

It seemed to take forever, but slowly, Phil lifted his head and looked straight at Dan. Dan couldn't help the small smile that spread across his face as he looked into the blue eyes that he had missed for weeks.

“Hey there, four-eyes. I’m sorry.” He murmured, feeling awful for putting Phil through the last half an hour. 

Phil looked back at him, and then slowly lifted his hand and placed it on Dan’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over his dimple. Dan exhaled loudly before reaching up and putting his hand over Phil’s, smiling at him. They sat there for a minute, staring at one another before Phil launched himself off the couch and into Dan’s arms.

“Woah!” Dan yelled, as he was knocked out of his crouch and fell onto his back, with Phil basically on top of him.

He ignored the sounds of disbelief coming from basically every person in the room and tried to focus on hugging Phil back, and not on the searing pain travelling up his side. Phil squeezed him hard before seemingly remembering his surgery and he sat up quickly, eyes wide with fear.

“No no, it’s okay, I’m okay. Just go easy on this side, okay?” Dan asked, sitting up gingerly. 

Phil reached out with a gentle hand and touched Dan’s shirt, asking wordlessly. Dan nodded, and Phil lifted the shirt to see the bandages covering Dan’s stomach. He looked back up at Dan with wide eyes and an apologetic look on his face.

“Honestly, it’s okay. I’m just a little sore, no harm done. I’m going to be fine. Come hug me again please.”

Phil smiled and reached over, hugging Dan again, but only on his good side. He ignored the cooing of every female and also PJ and hugged Phil back, relief flooding through him that even though he fucked up, everything was clearly okay between them.

“I missed you too, Phil.”

He heard a sniffle and didn't even need to look up to know that Pentland was in tears. He rolled his eyes and pulled away from Phil to be able to look at her.

“Pentland, you might need to get your eyes checked, they seem to leak constantly,” 

She shot him the bird and he chuckled, looking back at Phil who was still leaning into his shoulder. 

“You feeling okay, since you woke? Aside from not being blessed with my company for a few dark days, nothing else wrong?”

Phil smiled and shook his head, before dropping his forehead onto Dans shoulder. Dan wrapped his arm around his shoulder and squeezed.

“Anyway, Dan, you remember everyone, right? My partner Sophie, Jack, Hazel and Dean were all in our grade, and this is Phil’s older brother Martyn and his partner Cornelia.”

Dan gritted his teeth internally and smiled at them. “Yeah, I remember. How are you all?” 

Phil laughed under his breath, and Dan whipped his head around to look at him in betrayal. 

“HEY! Don't you laugh at me, Lester. I can play nice with the other children, no need to laugh at my expense, Jesus,” Phil kept laughing at him as he ranted, and Dan couldn't help but smile back at him, overcome with relief that he was okay.

“We’re good, thanks Howell. Just been working heaps, you know how it is. How’ve you been? Louise was telling us you work here?” Jack asked.

For Phil’s sake, he reminded himself, as he slowly starting engaging with the group, feeling gradually more at ease as each person joined the conversation, obviously all putting aside hard feelings and old times. Soon enough, he could feel Phil growing more and more relaxed into his side, and he nudged him.

“You okay?” Dan asked, looking at Phil. Phil smiled slowly at him, and Dan could immediately tell he was exhausted, and has probably had a very emotional few days. He ran his hand through Phil’s hair and smiled when Phil’s eyes fluttered closed and then opened quickly, as if he was embarrassed to be tired. Dan could hear the rest of the group chatting amongst themselves, so he decided to move now before they were all looking.

“Come here,” Dan muttered, dragging Phil to sit in between his legs and lean his back against Dan’s chest. Phil relaxed into him, before sitting up and turning around quickly, clearly concerned about Dan’s side. Dan shushed him quickly. “it’s okay, I promise, you aren't hurting me. If you’re tired sleep, I promise I’ll stay the whole time, and I’ll wake you before I have to leave and I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?”

Phil relaxed back into him and pressed his forehead into Dan’s neck, and within seconds Dan could feel Phil’s breaths deepen against his neck. He looked up and saw PJ looking at him.

“He’s barely slept since he found out about you, he’s been really worried.”

Dan sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. I swear I fought so hard to be brought in here the minute I woke up but Warren wouldn't let me escape.”

“Ah well, you’re here now, Howell. He knows you didn't do it on purpose. Don't sweat it.” Martyn told him.

Half an hour later, Dan’s back was aching. He had spent several days laying flat in bed, and now he was sitting on the ground completely supporting another humans weight and he was struggling, big time. He waited until conversation was flowing between everyone else and then winced a little, twisting slightly this way and that to try and stretch his back out.

“You okay, Dan?” Cornelia asked. Everyone turned to look at him and he groaned internally at being caught out, but shot her a sheepish smile instead.

“Yeah, I’m good. Wish I had thought to move Phil onto the couch first before he fell asleep, my back is killing me. Turns out you’re still sore the first day you get released from hospital, who knew?”

“Wait, you literally got let out today?” Hazel asked. He nodded. 

“Yep, I went straight from that ward to this one. Dying for a shower to be honest, but there was no way I wasn’t going to come see him first. I’m sure Warren only released me because he was sick of my whining about if Phil was okay anyway,” he joked, twisting his back again.

Martyn stood up abruptly and Dan quickly looked up at him, confused and slightly terrified. He had always heard that the older Lester was a lot tougher and very protective of Phil, so when he moved so fast, Dan panicked.

“The fuck did I do?” He asked, instinctively leaning back, away from Martyn.

As he watched, Martyn’s face grew more and more confused before a bright smile covered his face. “Nothing, Howell! Chill, buddy. We’re all friends here. You’re literally cradling my little brother so he can get some sleep, what could you have possibly done? Dean, come help me out for a second.”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief as Dean stood up as well and they both walked behind Dan. All of a sudden, Phil mumbled something and shifted, and Dan held his breath while Phil settled back into him. He ran his fingers through Phil’s hair, smoothing it out of his eyes after he had moved and then heard a noise behind him. 

Before he could even ask what it was, he felt two hands grip his shoulders.

“Lean back, Howell,” he heard Martyn murmur.

Gingerly, he lent back, only to feel immediate relief as his back was supported by the couch that Martyn and Dean had lifted and moved closer to him.

“Better?” Martyn asked.

Dan settled back into the couch and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, so fucking much. Thank you.”

Martyn flashed him another bright smile, and weirdly enough, reached down and ruffled his hair. “No, seriously, Howell. Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, guys! I was thinking, and I would love to know whereabouts you're all from in the world. Let me know when you comment if you're comfortable! I'm very curious!
> 
> I live in Queensland, Australia, if anyone is interested, but in a month and a half I am getting on a plane and moving to London! So if any of you are in or near London let me know any tips you have, or even message me on twitter! I'd love to talk to you and even catch up, I need to make some friends over there!
> 
> My twitter is @trashsince1995
> 
> Thanks so much again, and have a brilliant week guys!


	17. Chapter 17

“But Phiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllll I don't want to start this stupid book all over again!”

Phil laughed at his whining, eyes crinkling and actually holding his stomach as he rocked backwards on the bed.  

Dan huffed at Phil’s laughter and started stomping his feet loudly while he frowned, in the middle of one of the biggest tantrums he's ever thrown in his life, let alone his adult years.  Phil gasped for air as he watched him and Dan couldn't help but be slightly chuffed that he had caused the smile on Phil’s face.  Nevertheless, he continued his sulking, because even though he was glad Phil was having fun, he sill didn’t want to read the fucking Dragon Who Flew Around The World AGAIN.

“Phil, stop laughing at me, you mean nasty four eyed little shit. You’re a bully and you’re putting me through hell because I ALREADY READ THIS ENTIRE BOOK WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP AND I DON’T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME IT’S A STUPID BOOK!”

Phil made one of the most ridiculous squeaking noises Dan has ever heard as he fell back onto the bed, tears forming in his eyes as he wheezed. Dan crossed his arms over his chest and sat down with a huff and a frown on his face as Phil sat back up.

Phil raised his eyebrows at him and shook his head firmly. Dan frowned again.

“What?” 

Phil shook his head again, smiling widely.

“What are you saying no too? I don’t understand, no we don’t have to read the book?”

Phil laughed again and pushed the book towards him as Dan exhaled loudly.

“Fuck, understanding you is like trying to read Morse Code, Lester. Okay, so we’ve still got to read the fucking Dragon novel. What are you saying no about then?”

Phil’s eyes lit up and he grabbed the book back, before pointing at Dan. He opened the book and started dragging his finger along the words, mouth moving as if he was mouthing the words. He then flung the book down and pointed to himself, before dropping to the bed and closing his eyes, hands pillowed under his head. He opened one eye after a minute and grinned cheekily at Dan, whose face was heating up as he realised what was going on.

“You know I didn’t read the entire book, don’t you, Lester.”

Phil sat back up, nodding and smiling as Dan closed his eyes in defeat.

“Noooooooooo! Why do you hate me, God?!” He yelled, shaking his fists at the sky as Phil started laughing again at Dan’s antics. He looked back at Phil, wide eyed.

“Are you actually kidding me?! You could hear everything that was going on?!”

Phil chuckled and shook his head no, waiting for Dan to work it out himself. Dan sat there quietly for a minute, processing before he genuinely screamed in frustration.

“Nurse Alison, I fucking HATE YOU!”

The bed squeaked as Phil dropped himself back onto his pillow and held his stomach again as he laughed, tears rolling down his face while he gasped for breath.

Dan allowed himself to fall onto the bed next to Phil and proceeded to scream into the pillow, listening to Phil’s ragged breathing as they both tried to calm down. Phil rolled over, still laughing and put his head onto Dan’s chest, closing his eyes as his breathing slowed. Dan tentatively put his hand on Phil’s head, and started stroking his hair gently.

“This doesn’t mean I’m not still incredibly agitated, Philip, don’t even start.”

Phil chuckled and grabbed the book, placing it onto Dan’s stomach as Dan groaned again.

“For fucks sake, okay, Jesus. Do we have to go from the start or from where we were up to?” 

Phil grinned as he shifted, becoming more comfortable on Dan’s chest and he opened the book to the first page, laughing again when Dan closed his eyes in defeat.

“Release me from this hell,” he whispered, ignoring Phil’s guffaw before talking a deep breath.

“Alright, four-eyes, here we go. Chapter fucking one.”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Dan swung the door open and locked eyes with Phil, who was standing next to the window with his hands pressed against the glass.

“Hello, four-ey-woah!”

He stepped back and laughed as Phil flung himself at Dan, hugging him fiercely.

“Well hi there Phil, what a warm welcome, thank you,” he joked as he wrapped his arms tightly around Phil.

Phil stepped back and looked into his eyes intensely as Dan looked back at him, confused.

“Hey Phil, are you okay? What’s up?”

Phil stared at him for another few seconds before blinking hard and looking away. Dan frowned, confused, and opened his mouth to ask before Phil turned back around, smiling again and tugging on his ear.

Dan laughed. “Okay crazy, story time. Shall we go sit down? My legs hurt,”

Phil rolled his eyes at Dan’s whining and led him over to the couch, sitting down and patting the spot next to him. Dan grinned at him, sinking into the seat with a loud sigh of relief just to see Phil laugh at him in exasperation again.

“Alright, nerd, so this one time when I was like 6 or 7, I decided to try and learn Spanish…”

As Dan told his story, he could tell something was wrong with Phil. He would be listening intently one second, and then the next he would be blinking hard, peering at Dan like he has never seen him before and rubbing his eyes constantly. 

Once he finished, Phil sat staring at him for almost a full minute before reaching a hand towards Dan’s face, stopping a few centimetres away and then blinking hard and tugging harshly on his ear.

Dan frowned, reaching up and pulling Phil’s hand away from his ear and rubbing it gently, trying to sooth the red skin. 

“Phil, you’re going to pull your ear off, dummy. What’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

Phil shook his head and tugged his other ear, even harder.

“Fuck, Phil, stop!” Dan exclaimed, grabbing his other hand and pulling it away.

“Phil, what’s going on? I’m so confused. Why are you looking at me like we’ve never met? You’ve got to let me help you.”

He watched as Phil’s eyes filled up with tears and he lowered his head to look at his lap. Dan felt sick to think that he’d made Phil cry and he quickly moved his hands from Phil’s ears to his cheek, wiping the tear that spilled down his face.

“Phil, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on, I’m so fucking confused, please don’t cry…”

Dan started stroking Phil’s hair gently to try and keep him calm while he wracked his brain to work out what was going on.

“Just breathe, okay Phil? Don’t get yourself worked up, take it easy. We’ll work it out, I’ll help you, I promise…”

Phil sighed and looked up through his lashes at Dan, and Dan felt his heart physically break as he looked at Phil’s teary eyes. 

“Alright, do you know what’s going on?”

After a minute, Phil nodded, looking at Dan with desperation in his eyes.

“Okay, Lester, you’re going to have to bear with me while I try and figure this shit out, okay?”

Dan exhaled loudly, trying to put the pieces together in his head.

“Okay, first off. Is it a physical thing? Like, are your eyes sore or do you have a headache?”

Phil shook his head, looking down at his lap again.

“Right. No physical pain, which is probably a good thing. Now, this only started today, yes?”

Phil hesitated for a minute before shaking his head. 

Dan frowned. “Oh. Okay, so whatever is wrong started earlier then today. Always?” 

Phil shook his head again.

“Right. Since I’ve been back? Is it just me or everyone?” Phil was shaking his head before Dan even finished, and Dan felt Phil’s hand gently touch his. Dan smiled and held his hand tightly, rubbing his thumb in circles.

“Oh, good. I was worried I had developed a smell or something.” He smiled as Phil’s shoulders shook with silent laughter while he shook his head.

“Okay, so before I came back. Since you woke up?”  
Phil nodded, somewhat frantically and Dan mentally clapped himself on the back.

“Woo! We are getting somewhere, Philly! Now, does it have something to do with when you were asleep?”

He cheered again when Phil nodded, before a thought hit him.

“Wait, Phil, you don’t think that’s going to happen again, do you? Can you tell? Because we need to get Doctor Nicholas in here if so, he can help you, maybe…”

Phil shook his head, frowning a little.

“Okay, so you don’t think it’s going to happen again…but it’s from when you were asleep…” he was quiet for a minute, rubbing circles into Phil’s hand and thinking before he sat up straighter.

“Are you properly awake, Phil? Like, you obviously are, but do you feel properly awake? Do you keep thinking you’re dreaming?”

Phil exhaled loudly and nodded fiercely, tears springing to his eyes as Dan finally understood what he had been struggling with for days.

Dan sighed. “Oh, Philly, come here.”. He wrapped Phil in a tight hug, feeling Phil breathe into his neck and squeeze him tighter.

They sit there hugging for what feels like hours before Phil pulls away, and Dan looks at him.

“Right – well, you are awake, I promise you… But how can we help you? Whatever will help, I’ll work it out. You’ve got to help me figure out how to help you.”

Phil looked at him for a minute, before reaching his hand out like he did earlier, only this time he didn’t freeze and instead cupped Dan’s face. Dan sat very still, waiting as Phil trailed his fingers along his face, and then down his neck and shoulders. The air in the room grew thicker as his slowly dragged his hands along Dan’s arm, tracing along each finger slowly before moving back up his arm and then across his chest, before doing the other arm. 

Dan could feel his breathing grow heavier as Phil trailed his hands back up his neck and to his face, before he slowly felt along his jawline and then up past his hairline and down the bridge of his nose. His eyes fluttered shut as Phil gently grazed over his brow bone and eyelids, before tracing his lips and then running his fingers through his fringe. Phil finally let his hand settle back on Dans cheek, rubbing his thumb over his dimple before his hand fell back into his lap.

Dan exhaled loudly and opened his eyes slowly, feeling like he was underwater.

He cleared his throat and flinched at how loud it was.

“So that…that helps, huh?” his voice was ragged and he was mortified at how wrecked he was from some completely innocent touching.

Phil nodded, staring intensely at Dan. Dan exhaled again before nodding.

“Right. Okay, then that’s what we’ll do. You ever feel like you’re drifting away from reality, do that, okay?”

Phil nodded, and Dan tore his eyes away, shaking his head and trying to clear his mind a little. 

“Okay. Shall we read another chapter, then?”

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Dan walked out of the room, stopping and leaning back against the door and closed his eyes for a second. “Well, that was fucking intense.” he muttered to himself before noticing Doctor Nicholas and Nurse Alison standing and deep in discussion. He turned and tried to sneak out behind them, not having the emotional capacity to handle anything more then he already had today, to be quite fucking honest.

“Ah, Daniel! Mind if we bother you before you leave?” He heard Doctor Nicholas call.

He stopped in his tracks and groaned quietly as he turned around and approached them.

“Yeah, I figured you were going to have seen all of that. What sense have you got for me, Doc?”

Doctor Nicholas shook his head. “Not much, Dan. To be honest, it doesn't matter what makes sense to us, it’s what works for Phil. I’m assuming that, in his dreams, he would try and touch you and his hands would go straight through you, or something along those lines. It’s his way of reassuring himself that you’re here - although that’s only my opinion. There’s no way to tell if that’s really what’s happening in his mind or something completely different - all we know is that’s what helps him to stay grounded in this reality.”

Dan nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

Nurse Alison smiled sweetly at him. “Well, hopefully, after a few times of that happening, your breathing won’t be as heavy as an obese pug after climbing a mountain and then 2 sets of stairs, hey Dan?” 

Doctor Warren exhaled in laughter, before patting Dan on the shoulder and walking away.

Dan opened his mouth to argue back, but closed it again in defeat as Nurse Alison patted his cheek and turned on her heel, walking away.

Dan groaned loudly as he heard Nurse Alison's tinkling laughter fade away, and he turned and walked out of the ward.

Well, fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all of the reviews and tips with London, guys! If any of you followed me on twitter and want to chat, please dm me! My messages are open and I'd love to talk to you - but I can't tell who followed me from this and who just followed me for no particular reason!
> 
> Thanks so much and please keep the reviews coming!


	18. Chapter 18

It had been almost a week since Dan was released from the hospital, and Phil was almost completely back to his normal self. Every time he started spacing out, he would begin the strange ‘touching ritual’ as Dan had taken to calling it, and it would help to keep Phil grounded in reality. 

Sometimes all it would take was for Phil to reach out and touch Dan’s hand for a few seconds, before he blinked and would snap back to normal. Other times, Dan would sit there for what felt like hours while Phil traced his features, running his hands up and down Dan’s arms frantically while he fought his own mind and convinced himself that everything around him was real.

Embarrassingly, Dan hadn't gotten any better at dealing with it, and every fucking time Phil reached for him he felt his breathing quicken and his cheeks heating up. Nurse Alison thought it was the best thing to ever happen, and loved physically pointing and laughing at him every time he left the room, while Doctor Nicholas stood in his office and tried to smother his chuckles (which Dan could clearly hear, for fucks sake).

He walked into the isolation ward and chose to ignore Nurse Alison who was smiling sweetly and batting her eyelashes at him from behind the desk. 

“Have a fun time, Dan! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!”

Dan stopped in his tracks and turned to glare at her as she grinned even wider at him, and he rolled his eyes when he heard Doctor Nicholas start guffawing from another room.

“I’ll fucking quit, you know. And then who’ll be able to fix your patient for you?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Nurse Alison laughed out loud. “Bullshit, Dan. You wouldn't be able to stay away for more than 2 days before you came running in here, crying and apologising to Phil for leaving him. I know you.”

Dan sighed, closing his eyes in defeat. Doctor Nicholas poked his head out of the back room and smiled at him.

“She’s only messing with you, Howell. Don't take it to heart.”

Dan smiled. “I know. I’m not going anywhere. Let’s just not mention to anyone exactly how much this touching ritual impacts me, okay? I’m embarrassed enough without fucking Ligouri giving me that knowing side smirk he does. How does he even smile on just one side, anyway?”

Nurse Alison laughed lightly. “You know, now that you mention it, I don't know. How does he do that?”

Dan shrugged while Doctor Nicholas waved and retreated to the back room again.

Nurse Alison patted him on the shoulder. 

“In all seriousness, though. I find it very amusing how flustered you get when Phil touches you. I will continue to find this amusing, pretty much until the end of time, please understand this. I will also continue to tease you about this fact. However, I appreciate you being here and what you’re doing tremendously, and I would never tease you or bring it up in front of anyone else. Promise, Howell.”

Dan smiled at her and she stuck her tongue out at him.

“Now, you better hurry up, he’ll be waiting.”

He saluted Nurse Alison and headed towards Phil’s room, pulling the door open and jumping into the room.

“Good day, Sir Philip! How are you on this fine day?” Dan exclaimed.

Phil was lying on the couch, his head tipped over the arm of the chair and smiling at Dan upside down. Dan couldn't help but laugh at Phil’s face, which was slowly turning redder the longer he spent upside down.

“What the actual fuck are you doing, you weirdo? You look like a bloody loony.”

Phil sat up quickly, shifting into a more normal sitting position and looking at his lap.

Dan frowned.

“Phil, I was only joking around, you know…”

Phil nodded, looking back up at Dan after a second and smiling tightly at him. Dan smiled back, a little unsure, but he figured it was best to ignore it and let Phil work it out on his own.

“Righto, what are we doing today? I brought the cards again, want to play?”

He grinned as Phil nodded eagerly, back to normal as quickly as he changed.

“Okay, nerd, bear with me while I shuffle.”

As Dan started shuffling the cards, he missed Phil’s frown again as he looked at the ground.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

“Heya, four-eyes, what’s crack-a-lacking?”

Phil looked up at him from sitting in the middle of his bed, a tight smile on his face that didn't quite meet his eyes.

Dan frowned. “You okay, Phil?”

Phil smiled again and nodded firmly, waving Dan over to the bed. He smiled back and walked over to the bed, jumping onto it and cherishing Phil’s silent laughter as he bounced.

They both settled on the bed and after a second, Phil reached out and traced Dan’s face gently. Dan sat very still, wanting Phil to feel comfortable and aafe and he let his eyes close as Phil’s finger dragged over his brow bone and down the bridge of his nose. After a second more, Phil pulled his arm away and Dan opened his eyes, smiling reassuringly at him.

“Okay, what are we going to get up to today?”

Phil reached up and tugged his ear gently, before shuffling closer to Dan and resting his head on his shoulder. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s thin shoulders automatically, resting his head on Phil’s as he thought.

“Story time. Okay, well how about we go back to the high school days? There was this one time in 11th grade when me and Chris got in an argument with you and Ligouri, it was about that Maths class we had with the substitute, remember? You don't know what happened straight afterwards, though…”

Dan smiled as he remembered the situation he and Chris had found themselves in, and was so caught up in remembering he didn't even notice Phil physically tense up in his arms.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

“Hello, Doctor Nicholas, how has he been today?”

Doctor Nicholas turned and smiled at Dan as he entered the ward the next day.

“He’s all good, Howell. PJ and Louise have been here for half an hour or so. But he’s been a little quiet.”

Dan barked out a laugh. “Quiet? The little shit doesn't talk!”

Doctor Nicholas laughed as well. “I know, it’s hard to explain. Even though he doesn't talk, since you and him have been close he's been a little more, I don't know…present? Like, he walks around the room, and reads sometimes, looks out the window and he always, for like the hour before you arrive, he obviously waits for you. Looks at the door every 5 minutes, is really restless, just obviously impatiently waiting.”

Dan raised his eyebrows. “Okay…and?”

Doctor Nicholas shrugged. “Well, like I said. Today he’s been quiet. Take a look for yourself.”

Dan wandered over to the drawn curtain and pulled it open, looking into Phil’s room through the one way window. He was sitting on the ground, the most still Dan had ever seen him, with his eyes locked somewhere in front of him. He could see PJ and Louise, chatting between one another and he could easily tell they were concerned about him.

Dan hummed, letting the curtain close.

“Maybe he thinks he’s asleep again. I doubt he’d be brave enough to try the touching ritual with anyone other than me yet, hopefully I can snap him out of it.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled at him. “Thanks, Howell. If it makes you uncomfortable, just ask Louise and PJ to come and see me, yeah? I’ll keep them out here until you’re done.”

Dan shrugged. “I mean, they’re going to see it at some point. But thanks, Doctor Nicholas, I’ll keep that in mind.”

He walked over to the door and pushed it open, smiling when Phil looked up at him straight away.

“Hey Philly! Also, Ligouri and Pentland, good to see you.”

Louise laughed. “Excuse me, Daniel, you called me by my first name the other day, and that wasn’t just a one off, thank you very much.”

Dan rolled his eyes as he sat down next to Phil, feeling his eyes on him. “Sorry, Louise. And PJ.”

Louise beamed at him and Dan rolled his eyes again, looking at Phil.

“Hey, you okay, nerd?”

Phil’s jaw tightened and he nodded sharply, looking away. Dan frowned.

“Hey, you need to do the touching thing? I don't mind?”

Louise and PJ looked at one another, confused as Phil shook his head firmly.

“You sure? You seem kind of out of it, Phil…”

Phil shook his head again, leaning back against the couch and crossing his arms over his chest.

Dan looked at the others, confused as Phil’s eyes stayed locked on the ground.

PJ shrugged at Dan, looking as baffled as Dan felt and Louise bit her lip, looking concerned.

Da figured the best thing to do would be to go about his day as normal, and he leant back against the couch, mimicking Phil.

“So, what have you guys been up to?” Dan asked, trying to be as casual as possible and urging the others to do the same. 

PJ answered him quickly, and the three of them fell into an easy conversation. Phil eventually uncrossed his arms and looked at them, watching the conversation but looking away whenever someone asked him something.

Dan tried to reach out and wrap his arms around Phil’s shoulder, only to feel Phil tense up. 

“Sorry, sorry. My bad. Relax, I won’t touch you, sorry.”

Phil shrugged, still looking away and Dan let his hands fall into his lap, feeling completely defeated.

Louise shot him a sympathetic smile and quickly started the conversation again, trying to ease the tension in the room. 

After another 20 minutes of this, Dan was feeling pretty fed up and confused. He had no clue what was wrong with Phil, and Phil had never shut him off and been so cold like this. Even when Phil wasn't feeling right, he would always lean into Dan and let Dan comfort him and help him work out what was wrong, but he'd never been shut out like this before and he didn't know how to handle it.

Phil shifted abruptly and stood up, before starting to pace around the room. Dan threw the others a completely baffled look before standing up too, starting to follow Phil around like normal.

Three more laps, and Phil stopped in the middle of the room. Dan threw his arms out, expecting Phil to collapse or something, but nothing happened.

“Phil…you’re scaring me. What’s going on? Let me help you.”

He saw Louise reach out and take a hold of PJ’s hand as they watched the scene unfold.

Phil slowly turned to face Dan, and looked him dead in the eye. Dan stared back, confused and concerned at the cold look in Phil’s eyes.

“Come on, four-eyes, you've got to give me something here…” Dan murmured softly.

Phil dropped his eyes to the floor and his hands curled into fists.

Dan looked at his fists, before looking back at Phil’s face.

“…Phil?”

Phil looked back at up him, staring him straight in the eye without hesitation, before an angry look crossed his face.

The next few seconds were a total blur.

The one thing he could remember clearly, though, was Phil swinging his arm and punching him hard, square in the nose.

Dan was aware of PJ shouting loudly and Louise bursting into sobs, but all he could do was reach up and grab his nose, feeling the blood drip down his face. He looked up at Phil and reached his hand out to try and reassure Phil he was okay, when he felt another punch to his face, howling in pain as he physically felt his nose break.

Without realising what he was doing, Dan lunged for Phil, grabbing him by the shoulders and pushing him into the nearest wall. Phil looked into Dan’s eyes, fear obvious in his look and Dan stared back at him before dropping his arms abruptly. 

Both boys stood, staring at one another and panting for a second, both clearly stunned. Dan reached up and felt his nose, crying out in pain before pulling his hand away.

In that second, Dan was done. 

“You know what? Fuck this.”

Dan turned away and felt Phil’s hands reach out and grab his shoulder. He spun around and pushed Phil back into the wall before he got punched again.

“Fuck off, Lester. I’m done. Fuck this.”

And with that, he turned and walked out of the room.

Done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..............dont hate me


	19. Chapter 19

Louise watched, heartbroken as the door slammed closed with a loud bang.

For a moment, everything in the room was still. PJ stood next to her, staring at Phil, shock written all over his face and his hands in his hair. Louise didn't even move to wipe the tears off her face as she watched Phil as well, instead standing with one hand over her mouth.

Phil stood against the wall, staring at the door that Dan had just walked out of. He was clearly shaken, trembling from head to toe but eyes fixated on the door, waiting anxiously for it to reopen, for Dan to walk back in and fix everything.

But he didn’t.

It felt like they stood in this awful stillness for hours, but was probably only seconds before all hell broke loose.

Phil opened his mouth and let out a guttural cry before running at the door, slamming into it with his whole body. 

“Phil, don’t, you’ll hurt yourself!” PJ shouted.

Phil cried out again and started pounding at the door with his fists, becoming more and more panicked as seconds went on.

PJ ran to the corner of the room and hit the red intercom button. “We need some help in here!” 

Louise took a deep breath and approached Phil warily. He was still screaming, pounding his fists on the door in a frenzy.

“Phil,” she managed to get out through her tears. He didn't even flinch and continued his outburst, and she cleared her throat. 

Get it together, Louise.

“Phil, love, come on. Away from the door please, come on Phil. It’s okay, just try and calm down, I’ll go and talk to him, it will be okay, come on love, please come away…”

Louise broke off as they all heard the door latch click from the outside. Phil took a step back, holding his breath as the door swung open.

Doctor Nicholas stood at the door, looking incredibly concerned with Nurse Alison just behind him, looking just as heartbroken as Louise felt. 

Phil took a step backwards, and then another one, moving away from the door into the centre of the room. 

He stopped when he was in the middle, and then looked up at Doctor Nicholas, straight in the eye for the first time. Doctor Nicholas sighed and Louise felt like bursting into tears again.

“I’m sorry, Phil..he’s gone.”

The room seemed to freeze for a moment as Phil stared at the doctor, unwavering, almost as if he refused to believe it. After a minute, he looked from the Doctor to the door again, before dropping to his knees with a wail.

The four others in the room stared in shock as Phil, for the first time in years, started to cry real tears. He sat on the floor, shoulders shaking as hot tears swam down his face and he gasped for air.

Nurse Alison became visibly upset, and she turned and walked out of the room, not having it in her to watch. Doctor Nicholas knelt onto the ground too, murmuring reassuring words to Phil as he tried valiantly to calm him down.

PJ scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hands and knelt down next to Phil, trying his best to reassure him with just his words.

Louise took a deep breath, trying to pull herself together. All she wanted to do was wrap Phil up in her arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but she knew she couldn’t. Louise had always communicated best with actions, preferring a nice squishy hug over consoling words any day, and now she didn’t know what to do.

She stepped over to Phil, putting on her most soothing voice. 

“Phil, love, it’s okay,”

Phil kept sobbing, staring at the door with his shirt soaked in tears as he ran his fingers through his hair, rocking slightly and gasping for air.

Louise’s breath hitched and she reached out a hand without thinking, placing it on Phil’s shoulder. 

His head whipped around to stare at her and the minute they locked eyes he moved away as if he had been burnt, not even pausing for breath in his heart-wrenching sobs.

Louise stepped back again, wracking her brain trying to work out how she could fix this.

The problem was, Dan had every right to walk out. He was punched, hard, in the nose. She winced as she remembered the cracking of the bones in his nose that had seemed to echo through the room.

Dan hadn't done anything different to normal. Her and PJ had spent plenty of time watching Dan and Phil interact, and Dan was always the same with Phil. He would tease him and call him all sorts of nicknames, but would also stare at him like he was the best thing in the entire world. He called him names like ‘nerd’ and ‘four-eyes’ as a term of endearment, Louise was sure of it. 

The confusing thing was, Dan had been talking to Phil like that since Louise had first seen them together, and Phil had never seemed to care before. In fact, he had always smiled when Dan called him a nickname, even laughing at times. No wonder Dan walked out, she probably would have too, she figured. Dan had done nothing but try and work out what was wrong, and he didn't deserve that treatment.

She couldn't go and find Dan and argue that he should come back, or even beg him too. She knew he had every right to leave.

Louise took a deep breath and closed her eyes, not being able to stop her own tears as she resigned herself to the fact that there was truly nothing she could do to fix this.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Dan stormed out of the room, walking straight past the desk and not even glancing at anyone else. He turned his head as he exited the ward, and hissed in agony as sharp bolts of pain flew through his face.

He quickly walked into Doctor Warren’s office, ignoring Warren’s shout as he closed the door behind him.

“Jesus fuck Dan, are you alright?”

“Do I look fucking alright to you Warren?!”

Warren nodded easily. “Yeah, look. Fair point. Sit down, I’ll get you some ice.”

Dan gingerly sat himself down on the leather armchair that he had sat in months ago, the day he had first seen Phil through the window. 

What a difference a few weeks make, now I’m sitting here with a broken nose and heart. Cheers, world.

Warren walked back in with a bag of frozen peas. Dan let out a bark of laughter as Warren shut the door.

“Shut up Howell, it was the best I could do last minute. Now, is it broken or just bleeding?”

Dan pulled his hand away from his nose and rolled his eyes at Warren’s gasp. 

“Yeah, pretty sure it’s broken, Doc.”

Doctor Warren winced. “Sure is. Want me to fix it?”

Dan widened his eyes. “What, like, reset it?” 

Doctor Warren nodded. “Its probably best to do it now before it starts healing, at least you wont have to recover from a broken nose twice…unless you want it wonky?” 

Dan groaned, knowing full well that he was a slightly vain person and couldn't handle a wonky nose.

“Fuck, fine, get it over with.”

A minute and some incredibly loud howling in pain later, Dan was leaning his head back on the couch, holding the ice gingerly on his nose and blinking back tears.

“Now, what the fuck happened? Weren’t you seeing Phil?”

Dan laughed. “I sure was, Doc. He’s the one who hit me.”

“What?!”

Dan summarised how Phil had been the last few days with him, before telling him the entire story of today’s events.

“The thing is, I still don't know what the fuck I did. I’m so fucking confused, Warren, I try so hard every time I see him to do everything right and the prick punches me. I’m fucking hurt and completely lost and I just never want to see him again, I’m so embarrassed that I got so attached that I let him punch me, not once, but twice before I left. I shouldn't have let myself get this close.”

Doctor Warren shook his head. “Don’t think like that, Dan. Something’s happened, I’m sure of it. He hasn't just decided he’s sick of you. We all know you try hard to make him better, don't let this ruin everything. Let’s just try and work it out, since he’s woken up, what else has changed or happened?”

Dan sighed. “Just the touching ritual, but I already told you about that.”

“And that started straight away?”

“No, like, the day after I went back after my appendix. Or two days, I’m not sure. The first day I went back was when all of Phil’s school friends were visiting, that was good fun. I’m sure they can't wait to hear about this.”

Doctor Warren frowned. “His school friends?”

“Yeah. I walked in and they were all there, talking and laughing like the good old days. I had a little tantrum but went back in and played nice for the whole time they were there. It was fine - awkward, but fine.

“Dan, you don't suppose seeing you and his friends from school all together impacted him, do you? Like, possibly he just started remembering exactly how your relationship used to be, when you were all together, and then you calling him the little nicknames you always do set him off?”

Dan frowned. “Fuck. Maybe…but I've always called him four-eyes. And nerd, and loser, and spork every now and then. I call everyone I care about names, it’s out of love. He’s never even shown the slightest hint on caring before…”

“Yes, I realise, but after seeing the friends from school, it’s only natural for him to start thinking about how you guys used to hate one another back then. Maybe he got too caught up in thinking about the past relationship you had, and got it confused with the present…and then when you called him the nicknames he started thinking you meant it in a mean way?”

They both sat in silence for a while as Dan considered this. 

“Fuck, that makes sense.” Dan stated after a while.

Doctor Warren nodded. “I think that is probably what happened, at least to a degree. The real question is, Dan…what are you going to do now?”

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-----------------

 

Louise was sat on the couch, head in her hands as she watched Phil continue his gut-wrenching sobs, tears still flowing down his face. PJ was still kneeling beside him, but had stopped talking and instead was just staring at Phil, heart broken, hands kept firmly in his lap. Doctor Nicholas stood up abruptly and looked at Louise.

“Louise, I need to calm him down. Like, right now. He hasn't cried like this in years, I’m concerned he’s going to pass out or make himself sick. Do I have your permission to sedate him?”

Louise let out a little sob. That was a question both herself and the Lester’s hadn't been asked in months, and she had hoped to never hear again. She turned to look at PJ who was staring at her. He quickly glanced back at Phil before turning to her and nodding.

She swallowed noisily. “Yes. I’m sorry Phil, I’m sorry, yes, sedate him, just make the crying stop.” She whispered. Even though there was no way Phil could hear her over his sobs, she still felt awful making this decision on his behalf.

Doctor Nicholas nodded and placed his hand on her shoulder before moving to the door where Nurse Alison was entering, face wiped freshly clean and holding a tray of medical equipment. She looked away, not wanting to watch them force Phil into taking something or injecting him with medicine when the door was flung open again.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-----------------------

Dan pushed the door open and walked back in, his blood wiped away but skin around his nose still stained red and spots of blood on his shirt. He had planned to walk in and assess the situation, staying as far away from Phil as he could to avoid getting hit again. He took one look at Phil and felt his throat close up, before pushing that plan straight out of the window and rushing to the ground.

Phil looked up at him and stared at him through bloodshot eyes, still gasping for air and letting out wheezing sobs. Dan watched for a second before sitting down, reaching out a hand to test the waters. Phil immediately grabbed ahold of hid hand so tightly, and without waiting another second Dan bodily pulled Phil into his lap, feeling Phil wrap his arms and legs around him like an octopus.

Phil’s head landed on Dan’s shoulder, sobbing into his neck and Dan felt tears start rolling down his own face as he squeezed Phil as tight as he could, rubbing one hand over his back and the other through the back of his hair.

“I’m sorry too.” He muttered, rocking back and forth with Phil shaking and crying into him. He felt Phil nod into his shoulder, clearly agreeing that he was trying to apologise and Dan pressed his lips against Phil’s head, breathing in the familiar smell and ignoring the pain in his nose.

“I’m sorry too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter guys! I hope this kind of makes up for the awful cliff hanger I left you guys with!
> 
> I've changed my twitter handle, it's now @_hellohowell if you want to come say hi! (Please do!)
> 
> Also, just a quick note. I am totally fine with constructive criticism, in fact, I appreciate it! But this week I've had several twitter messages and a few reviews being quite rude about when I will upload next. It's not one person in particular, this week alone I've had 5 different people contact me.
> 
> Please remember I'm a human being with a life and while I do my best to write this story well for you to enjoy, it isn't my job and sometimes I might upload a little late, or a chapter might be shorter than others are. I'm sorry for that but please try and respect that I'm trying my best while also living an incredibly busy life! (I'm not mad at anyone, and I've cleared the situation up with everybody who has approached me in a rude way, but I wanted to address it publicly so other people are aware that I find it upsetting).
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left a kind review (even though you were all mad at the chapter, which fair fucking enough to be honest), they really do motivate me to write more and I appreciate them so much!
> 
> Thanks for reading, have a swell week pals!


	20. Chapter 20

Dan sat there, gently rocking back and forth for what felt like hours. Phil was shaking and shuddering in his lap, and Dan pressed his lips to Phil’s temple, the top of his head, his hair, everywhere and anywhere he could reach. He ran his hands up and down his back, big, soothing circles and he hummed mindlessly to try and calm Phil down.

He saw PJ stand, and Dan met his eyes for the first time since he had walked back into the room. PJ was clearly emotional, and they made eye contact for a moment before PJ put his hands together in a praying position and bowed his head sightly, before mouthing ‘thank you, Dan’.

Dan nodded quickly as he turned his head to the side and rested it on top of Phil’s hair, still humming and rocking. PJ reached over and took Louise’s hand, who was still sobbing loudly and together they left the room, the door closing softly behind them. Nurse Alison quickly followed them, and Doctor Nicholas crouched down next to Dan.

‘Are you okay here, Dan?”

Dan knew Doctor Nicholas was asking more than that. He could see the tray of medical equipment and with the way Phil had been crying, it wasn't hard to imagine that they were about to sedate him. He knew how hard it must be for Doctor Nicholas to see his patent of several years this upset, and not being able to do anything to help aside from sedation. He was leaving his patient in the hands of Dan, a lower level employee and as much as he knew Nicholas wanted to help, there was nothing he could really do.

Dan looked at him and tried to smile reassuringly at him. “Yeah, Doc. I got this, but I’ll call you if I need you. We’re okay.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled back at him and watched Phil, still shaking in Dan’s arms. Phil let out another quiet sob and Dan instantly pressed his lips several times to Phil’s temple, settling him as best as he could. When Dan looked back at Doctor Nicholas he clearly had tears in his eyes, and he nodded at Dan firmly before standing and walking out of the room.

“Yeah, you’ve got this, Howell.” He murmured as he gently closed the door behind him.

And then it was just them. Dan and Phil. Sitting in the middle of a white room, holding one another tightly. Dan's eyes were already going black with bruising after his nose being reset, and Phil was physically shuddering in his arms, and yet they still sat there, holding one another as if it was all they had left.

Time passed. Dan didn't know if it had been minutes or hours that he'd been sitting on the ground, Phil curled up in his lap and wrapped around him, almost as if Dan would run away if Phil even loosened his grip in the slightest. His legs were completely numb and he’d almost become attached to the pins and needles in his feet, at this point.

Eventually, Phil’s sobs faded into quiet whimpers and then shuddering breaths. Slowly, the shaking subsided to exhausted bones and muscles, his head resting heavily on Dan’s shoulder. 

When Phil’s breathing had evened out, Dan gently shrugged his shoulder that Phil was leaning on to get his attention, and Phil sat up, looking at Dan with red rimmed, swollen eyes.

“Let’s go lay down, okay?” Phil nodded and clambered out of Dan’s lap, still holding onto his hand with a death grip. Dan stood up, shaking his legs out and willing the blood to start flowing again. Phil watched him with careful eyes, and Dan looked at him, smiling gently. 

He led Phil over to the bed and they both laid down, on their sides and facing one another. Their hands were still tightly linked between them, and Dan reached out slowly and pushed his Phil’s fringe out of his eyes.

They both stared at one another in a moment of stillness, before Dan knew he had to say something.

“Phil, I’m sorry. I get it - I get what happened. You didn't like me calling you names, and you thought I was being awful to you, like in high school. Am I close?”

Phil lowered his eyes and Dan immediately put his hand under Phil’s chin, lifting his head back up.

“It’s okay, Phil.”

Phil nodded, before reaching out with a finger and tracing letters over Dan’s arm. Dan held his breath and watched, as Phil clearly traced out the letters S A D.

Dan looked back up. “You’re sad?”

Phil nodded again and Dan sighed, putting the pieces together in his head. 

“Okay, so you started thinking about high school and you got sad?” Phil didn't need to nod again, the look in his eyes was enough of a confirmation.

“You know, Phil, I get sad sometimes, too. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. We’re never going to be able to be happy and positive all the time - we all get sad, and angry, and confused even. And that’s okay. That's human, Phil, and believe it or not, I'm glad that you feel like that sometimes, because that means that you're here and you're feeling things. I know it must be scary, because you've been numb for so long. But being sad is okay.

"When we get like that, the important thing is to let someone in. We can’t keep it all within ourselves, and let it sit inside us because then the sadness just builds and builds and ends up getting overwhelming. And then we end up like today, when the sadness morphs into aggression and we lash out, when we could have fixed things earlier if we had let someone in.”

Dan ran his fingers through Phil’s hair.

“The thing with me, Phil, is I am an incredibly sarcastic person and I always have been. I call my two best friends every single name under the sun, but it’s all out of complete love and affection, and the same goes for you. I’m honestly so incredibly sorry that I hurt you, but when I call you Four-Eyes, or Nerd, or anything like that, it’s because you mean a lot to me, and that’s how I show that. I’ve been calling you those names since I met you, have they been upsetting you since then?”

Phil shook his head vehemently, and Dan let out a relieved sigh. 

“Okay, so I’m guessing seeing all the school folks and me together just made you remember when we hated one another, yeah?”

Phil lowered his eyes and nodded again, and Dan was suddenly overcome with emotion, looking at this beautiful boy who constantly struggles and confuses the present and past and yet is still here, fighting to be okay again. He leaned forward without thinking and kissed Phil’s forehead, letting his lips linger there for several seconds before pulling away slowly and meeting Phil’s eyes.

Phil had a small smile on his face and he slowly reached up and traced Dan’s lips, before mouthing ‘I’m sorry, Dan’.

Dan pulled him into a tight hug, muttering that it was okay over and over.

They pulled away and Dan laughed lightly as he felt tears rolling down his face.

“I’m sorry, for high school, Phil. I really, really, fucking am. I won’t call you those names if it confuses you, but you have to know that I adore the shit out of you, and I really didn't mean it in any way other than a term of endearment, okay?”

Phil nodded, smiling slightly as he traced down Dan’s jawline. Dan took a deep breath.

“You know, Phil, there have been some really sad times in my life. And that’s okay. There were a few months after I let Uni when I was miserable. My father told me I was the biggest disappointment in his life, and that I was a waste of space. When my mother died, I locked myself in my room and didn't get out of bed for weeks. The only way to describe it is that the sadness was crippling. Chris ended up breaking into my flat and physically dragged me out of bed, and I lost my shit at him. Screaming, crying, hitting and kicking, I was doing everything to get him to leave me alone, because I didn't want to let anyone in. But he didn't leave, even though I tried everything to get him too, and eventually the anger faded back into the sadness and I was a mess, and he was STILL there. And then things got better.

"If I had let him, or Carrie, or literally ANYONE in before it got that far, I probably would have felt a lot better sooner. Because when you let someone in, you share your load with them, and you feel lighter because you aren't bearing the brunt of it alone, someone is in it with you.

“You remember when I nearly drowned? For months, I couldn’t put my head underwater. It terrified me, and I would become so angry, and sad, and upset and overwhelmed that I couldn't do the simplest things, like wash my own freaking hair. So I let someone in, and I told Carrie everything that I was feeling and struggling with, and immediately I wasn't alone anymore. I felt lighter. She would come over during the week, and I’d sit in the bath in my underwear and she’d help me wash my hair while I was sitting up so I wouldn't freak out, and gradually I felt better. We laughed about it, and we had fun, and we became closer for it, and I wasn't alone basking in my terror. I let someone in, and she helped me, and if I had struggled with that alone, I don't know if I would even be over it today.”

Dan sighed. 

“The saddest I’ve ever been, though, was my 16th birthday. My father’s side of the family has this tradition, you see, where on our 16th birthday, we receive a necklace. It normally has a pendant hanging off it, with our star sign engraved on the front, and our initials engraved on the back. My grandparents have them, all my aunts, and uncles, cousins, everyone. 

“So on my birthday, I woke up, so excited for this fucking necklace. I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my father, and I had wanted this necklace for years, as if a stupid pendant was going to instantly fix all of the problems I had with my father.

“Anyway, that morning, I could see a few gifts sitting waiting on the table, and I opened them all except one. I knew the last one was the necklace, and my father wouldn't let me open it yet, so I spent all day in this excited haze, ready to finally feel like I was apart of his family.

“When I was finally allowed to open it, I ripped the paper off the box and saw the box with the jewellers logo on the front, and I swear my heart was going to beat out of my chest from excitement. And then I opened the box, and it was empty.

“I remember staring at it, at this empty fucking box where that necklace should have been and then looking at my father, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to give me the real box and explain, and we'd laugh about the joke he had pulled and then we'd hug and it would be great. But that didn't happen." 

Dan laughed bitterly, feeling the hot tears rolling down his face as he remembered that day. 

“He told me that the disappointment I was feeling in that moment was the disappointment he felt when he had received my grades, and found out that I wasn't at the top of the class in my Legal Studies class. He told me that the pendant represented our strong, brilliant family, and that I wasn't ‘worthy’ of such a gift.”

Dan exhaled loudly, closing his eyes for a moment as he got himself together.

“I don't know why I just told you that, Phil, if I’m honest. But I just want you to know that everyone gets sad, Phil. And that’s okay. I won’t judge you for being sad, or needing help - because now you know the darkest moments of my life. We’ve all had those moments. But you have to trust me enough to help you - or if not me, Louise, or PJ. There’s so many people who want to help you. You've got to let us in, okay?”

Phil nodded, tears in his eyes as he reached up to touch Dan’s face and Dan closed his eyes again, willing himself to stop crying. He laughed quietly as he felt Phil wipe his tears away, and they laid there, both being comforted by the others company.

Dan felt the effects of the emotional day hitting him, and he felt pure exhaustion and sleep curling at the edges of his mind, pulling him under and he smiled as he felt Phil’s light fingers start carding through his hair. 

Right as the fogginess of sleep was curling through his body, he felt Phil’s lips press against his forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the lovely comments on the last chapter guys, theyre all really appreciated! this chapter in particular is very close to me and personal, so i would love to hear what you think - i really hope you all like it.
> 
> hope you all have a great week, my loves!


	21. Chapter 21

“Dan. Dan, wake up.”

Dan sat up with a start, gasping, confused and disorientated. Doctor Nicholas stepped away from the bed, hands up in a placating gesture.

“Sorry, Howell. I let you sleep as long as I could, but I’m about to head out for the day.”

He turned and looked out the window, shocked when he saw the sun had long since gone down and there were stars littering the night sky.

“Fuck, sorry Doc. Visiting hours…”

“Were over 3 hours ago, Dan. Don't sweat it, I could have woken you earlier but while I was here anyway, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to let you guys rest.”

Dan rubbed his face, wincing as he felt his swollen nose and he turned to look as Phil, who was still curled on his side, sound asleep.

“You did good, Dan.”

Dan turned back to the Doctor who was smiling at him.

“Honest. You should be really proud of yourself, Dan. I’m a fully trained Doctor, and I’ve worked with Phil for years, and I got nowhere with him. You seem to connect to him on another level, almost without trying, Dan, and it’s so fascinating to watch.”

Dan exhaled loudly, smiling as he looked back at Phil.

“You know, I could spend every second of my life with him, even if he never spoke again, and I don't think I would ever be bored.”

Doctor Nicholas patted his shoulder. “I think he would say the same about you, Howell.”

“Alright, is it okay if I wake him and tell him I’m going? I don't want him to wake up and think I’m mad again and left.”

“Of course, Dan, I’ll step out and give you some privacy. No story time though, please, Howell, I want to actually get home and have some dinner at some point.”

Dan chuckled. “No promises, Doc. I’ve always got something to waffle about, but I’ll try my best.”

The Doctor patted his shoulder once again and left the room, closing the door gently behind him.

Dan took a deep breath, just watching Phil breathe for a moment before he softly shook him.

“Hey, Philly, wakey wakey…”

Phil’s eyes scrunched closed for a second, before slowly opening, settling on Dan’s. He was clearly still half asleep and exhausted, and a dopey smile spread across his face as he reached for Dan’s face. Dan let his eyes fall closed and he smiled back as Phil pressed his thumb into his dimple. 

They sat in the moment for a while, before Dan opened his eyes again, remember Doctor Nicholas waiting for him outside.

“Visiting hours are over, Phil, I’ve got to head off, Doctor Nicholas already broke the rules and let me stay until he was finished. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Phil nodded, still smiling and blinking slowly, fighting being dragged back under by sleep.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ner-Phil, okay?” He caught himself going to call Phil a nickname and saw Phil shake his head, smiling.

Phil reached out for Dan’s hand. He flipped it upside down and traced letters, firmly into Dan’s palm.

“U R T H E N E R D - hey!”

Phil grinned at him, and Dan pushed his fingers through Phil’s hair fondly.

“I take it you still want me to call you nicknames, then?”

Phil nodded fiercely, and Dan sighed.

“Alright, well, I’ll only call you nicknames if you promise to tell me if I hurt your feelings, okay?”

Phil nodded again, smiling. 

“Good, because I don't think my nose can take another misunderstanding.” Dan joked.

Phil frowned a little, and traced his fingers down Dan’s cheekbone, before he leaned forward. Dan let his eyes flutter closed, and felt Phil’s lips gently skim over the tip of his nose.

Dan exhaled loudly as Phil pulled away, and he opened his eyes and stared into blue ones.

“All better,” he whispered raggedly, before Phil smiled at him and laid back down.

He gently pulled the blankets back up to cover Phil, who was already breathing heavier and falling asleep.

“Goodnight, Phil. I’ll be back tomorrow.” 

Trying not to overthink it, he bent down and pressed his lips to Phil’s forehead, lingering there for a moment before pulling away and walking out of the room, missing Phil slowly smiling again, eyes still shut.

The next few days of visits went by in a blur. Phil was acting overly affectionate, hanging onto Dan in any way he possibly could, and Dan was more than happy to oblige. It was obvious that they were both feeling a little sensitive and needy after the incident, so Dan was going out of his way to reassure Phil the best way he knew how, by giving Phil as many smiles and hugs as he wanted (thankfully, his nose had finally stopped hurting and the bruising had faded, which meant that he could hug Phil back without constantly being concerned about knocking his nose and bursting into tears in agony). He always made sure he was the last one to pull away from Phil, not wanting to give Phil any reason to doubt that Dan was okay and had forgiven what had happened.

It had almost been a week since the incident, and Phil was almost back to normal. Something had shifted between them, and he found himself pressing small kisses to Phil’s temple, and hair, and even cheek on one particularly brave day. He tried not to think about the implications of that, and instead focused on the toothy smile Phil would try and hide every time Dan leant in and pursed his lips.

The two of them were sat on the couch, squished together to the point where Dan couldn't really tell where he ended and Phil began. Phil was a steady weight against his side, with his legs draped over Dan’s lap and Dan’s arm wrapped around Phil’s shoulder, gently teasing the ends of Phil’s hair with his fingers.

Dan spoke quietly, telling Phil about the dinner he had had with Chris’ family last night and how he had spilt the meal not only over himself, but over Chris’ extremely stern grandfather, and how he had frantically tried to mop up the spaghetti sauce from the elderly man’s lap before he realised what he was doing and how fucking awkward that was.

Phil’s smile was wide in amusement and he watched Dan’s face intently as he finished the story. Dan told the story almost in autopilot, his index finger gently tracing the shell of Phil’s ear and smiling internally as he felt Phil attempt to suppress a shiver.

There was a knock on the door, and Dan blinked, startled while Phil did the same. They had both gotten lost in their own little world, and if he was being honest, Dan had kind of forgotten that they were in a hospital with plenty of people around.

The door pulled open and PJ’s goofy face poked around the corner, smiling hesitantly.

“Hello, sorry. We thought we’d come say hi, are you early, Dan?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been coming in a little earlier this week, on account of the big, heart-wrenching trauma few days ago.”

Phil exhaled through his nose in laughter and pressed his face into Dan’s shoulder, and Dan grinned when he felt Phil’s smile against his skin.

“Stop standing outside with just your face in here, Ligouri, you look like a fucking floating head and it’s 100% going to appear in my nightmares tonight.”

PJ laughed and stepped in, holding a container in his hands, with Louise following just behind.

“Hi Dan, hi Phil. We can come back, it’s not a problem, we don't want to intrude on your time together,” Louise said, still standing in the doorway hesitantly.

Dan looked at Phil quickly, and Phil looked up at him and shrugged slightly, smiling. 

“Nah, come on in, nerds. The more the merrier. And you’ve really piqued my interest with the container there, Ligouri, if i’m honest. What have you got in there, a bomb?”

PJ laughed and Louise closed the door behind her, and they both pulled up a chair across from Dan and Phil on the couch.

“Well, I happen to have it on good authority that Phil’s favourite food is my caramel slice, so I made some for you.”

Phil sat up straight with wide eyes and clapped his hands eagerly, and they all laughed as he made grabby hands towards the box.

PJ was grinning as he held the box out for Phil, and Phil leaned forwards to take it off him happily.

“Jesus, way to make me not the favourite anymore, Peej, fuck. I have basically no talent in life and I especially can’t make baked goods, so don't get your hopes up, Lester.” Dan joked.

Phil bit into a piece of the slice and moaned, closing his eyes as he sinked back into the couch dramatically, and Dan burst into laughter, along with Louise and PJ.

“Did you just actually have an orgasm?!” Dan exclaimed, and Phil opened his eyes in indignation and smacked Dan’s arm, before shoving another piece of slice into Dan’s mouth.

Dan chewed for a second, before he let out an even more obscene moan and sunk back into Phil’s chest, feeling his chest move with laughter.

“Holy fuck, I’m ACTUALLY having an orgasm, oh my god, leave me in a dark room with this slice for some private time, FUCK,”

Louise was snorting with laughter as PJ was chucking, a smug smirk on his face as Phil tucked into a second slice.

“You’re going to have to make more of these slices PJ, and if you don’t I’ll have to fight Phil to the death for the rest of this.”

Phil pulled the container away from Dan and held it above his head, eyes wide as Dan lunged for it. Louise was holding her stomach and making strange little wheezing noises watching the two of them, and PJ was holding his hands out in a placating gesture, laughing. 

“There’s more where that came from, don't kill my best friend, Dan, I beg of you!” 

Dan settled back into the couch, still laughing and watching as Phil stuffed a third piece into his mouth.

“You’ll make yourself sick, nerd, that’s a whole lot of slice you’re eating,”

Louise wiped the smudged mascara from under her eyes and smiled at Phil fondly.

“One thing you’ll learn about Phil, Dan, is that he has the biggest sweet tooth you'll ever imagine. One day, it was World Doughnut Day and we watched him demolish 8 massive doughnuts, and he didn't stop because he was full, it was because we ran out of doughnuts. He’s a sugar eating machine!”

Phil grinned, putting the container of slice down after eating one more piece and settled into Dan’s chest, leaning his head into Dan’s neck and doing a delighted little full body wriggle when he got comfy. 

Dan chuckled, draping one arm around Phil’s shoulder and the other around his waist, holding him tightly to his chest. Louise was watching them fondly, and after a moment she sat up straight.

“Oh! Phil, I’m not sure if you know, but it’s your birthday next week!”

Phil stared at Louise from Dan’s chest for a moment before a big smile came across his face, eyebrows raising as if to confirm that it was true.

Louise nodded to him, and Dan looked down at him.

“Well thank fuck Pentland was on the ball, I wouldn't have had a clue! What day?”

PJ opened his mouth to answer but Dan held up a hand, stopping him.

“Hang on, Ligouri, I appreciate your helpful nature, but Phil’s not an invalid. Don't be lazy, Lester. What day is your birthday?”

PJ laughed a little and nodded, a little sheepish and Phil smiled at him before holding up 3 fingers, and then made a zero with his other hand.

“Shit, the 30th is soon, thanks for the late notice, guys!” 

Louise laughed a little. “Sorry Dan, we were going to mention it last week, but, you know. Other dramas made it slip my mind.”

Dan nodded understandingly and looked back at Phil.

“Well, what do you say, Lester, want to do something for your birthday? Nothing crazy, like a Vegas trip or anything, we’ll keep it lowkey this year, just a little gathering here?”

Phil laughed at him and grabbed his hand, tracing V E G A S into his palm and Dan chuckled.

“I promise you, Lester, if we get you out of here next year I’ll take you to Vegas. But for this year, what do you think, want to let Louise and PJ organise something with a few of your friends? It might be nice to celebrate, since you haven't in a while.”

“You’ve got plenty of reasons to celebrate this year, Phil,” PJ murmured quietly.

Phil thought about it for a minute before giving Dan a toothy smile, nodding happily before settling back into his chest.

“There you go, Louise. Better get to organising a big bash, jumping castles and miniature ponies and all.”

Louise snorted. “Miniature ponies?”

“Well, duh. The regular ponies won’t fit in the door, Pentland. What’s wrong with you?”

He felt Phil snicker into his chest and Dan stuck his tongue at her, as she rolled her eyes and PJ tried to smother his laughter.

Louise cleared her throat. “You’re an idiot, Howell. So, moving hastily along, what has been happening in your world since we last saw you?”

The three of them chatted for the better part of an hour, with Phil listening in. He was still leaning on Dan, completed snuggled in, but his eyes were still open and he was smiling whenever any of them would tell a particularly funny story. 

He could feel Phil staring at Louise, and every now and then he would tense up and almost move, but then settle back down. Dan hadn't mentioned it yet, but as soon as Louise excused herself to the bathroom, Dan nudged Phil and he turned and looked at him.

“You okay?” 

Phil smiled at him and nodded, and Dan frowned a little.

“Well, what’s going on? Something’s up.”

Phil looked away, and shook his head after a moment, and Dan sighed.

“Okay, Philly, but I can tell something’s up. Whatever you’re thinking about, trust us and trust yourself, okay? It will all be okay.”

He pushed his fingers through Phil’s fringe and smiled at him, as Louise walked back out and settled back into her chair.

“What did I miss?” She asked.

Phil sat up abruptly and they all turned to look at him, confused. He stood up, and Dan went to follow him, but he only took one step forward and then stopped in front of Louise, before dropping slowly to his knees. Time seemed to stop, and Dan held his breath as slowly, painstakingly slowly, Phil extended his arm and placed his hand gently on Louise’s cheek.

Louise’s gasp for air was loud and ragged, and Phil sat there for a moment, before he patted her cheek a few times and smiled at her.

“Oh, Phil…I love you so so much, thank you, I love you,” Louise got out, her voice choking up and cracking in the middle.

Phil smiled at her again, and with his other arm reached out and took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. Louise smiled at Phil with tears streaming down her face as he squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back.

“I love you, Phil. We both do, so much. We’re so proud of you, Phil, honestly,”

Dan felt his own eyes getting misty as Phil took his hand off her cheek and reached out to PJ, before patting his cheek as well. PJ laughed in joy as Phil smiled at him, and PJ hesitantly reached up and put his hand over Phil’s, closing his eyes in happiness as Phil didn't flinch away.

They all sat there in the moment of stillness until Phil gently pulled away, and shuffled back to Dan. Louise wiped her eyes and grabbed PJ’s hand, squeezing it tightly in obvious joy and relief.

Phil collapsed into Dan’s arms, clearly exhausted after the mental battle he had fought to be able to do that, and Dan didn't hesitate in wrapping him up in his arms and holding him tightly, feeling him almost melt into his chest. 

“Well done, Phil. I’m proud of you.” He murmured, before pressing a lingering kiss to his temple.

Phil smiled and closed his eyes, and Dan pressed his lips to his temple again, finding that he didn't quite care that Louise and PJ were watching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> just quickly, i am aware that phils birthday is january 30th, and dans is june 11th. however, that didnt reeeaaaalllllllyyyy line up with my story. so, ive changed it so it suits me because its my story damnit! im super sorry if that irritates anyone, i tried to make it work for ages but it knew what how i wanted things to go and i needed to change things up. i havent said what month any of this is because its really not important, but i just wanted to acknowledge that i know things arent lining up timing wise (given that i never wrote a christmas chapter, and yet its phils birthday next week) and ive done that on purpose, not out of ignorance.
> 
> sorry! have a great week, kids!


	22. Chapter 22

Louise walked into the room with a big grin on her face, a party hat perched on top of her head.

“Happy Birthday, Phil!”

Phil was sitting on his bed, dressed in a button up shirt and jeans instead of his usual grey pyjamas, his hair neatly brushed and a smile on his face as he waved at her. Louise stopped for a moment and exhaled shakily, trying to tamp down the huge grin threatening to cover her face as she looked at Phil. He looked exactly like the Phil she remembered, the boy he should be, the Phil he was before this whole nightmare even began.

She dropped her bag and walked over to him, smiling as she held out a party hat for him. Phil surprised her by holding out his arms, and Louise suppressed a sob as she embraced him back, hugging him lightly.

“Happy Birthday, my love,” she whispered, and Phil pulled away and grabbed the party hat from her, placing it onto his head and smiled big, closing his eyes. She pulled out her phone and snapped a photo, grinning from ear to ear as PJ entered the room.

“Hey hey, it’s getting wild in here, calm it down, you two!”

Louise rolled her eyes as she stepped away from Phil so PJ could say hello, and PJ grinned when he saw Phil’s party hat.

“Woah, look out, the party is getting out of control, we’ve got some triangular hats, people!” 

Phil stuck his tongue out at him as PJ approached him, and Phil held out his arms to him as well, hugging him gently. PJ pulled a party hat on as well, and Doctor Nicholas walked in, smiling at them all.

“Well hello everyone, it’s party central in here! Good morning Phil, how are you feeling this morning? Not too overwhelmed?”

Phil shook his head, before giving Doctor Nicholas a thumbs up and a lopsided smile.

Doctor Nicholas grinned. “That’s what I like to hear. Anyway, PJ, can I have a hand? I went and tracked down some bean bags from the recreation rooms to put in here, so you don't all have to stand around awkwardly.”

“Oh hey, thanks, Nick!” PJ exclaimed, following him out of the room.

Louise sat next to Phil on the bed and watched as he stared at the door, fidgeting slightly.

“It’s only early, Phil, and you know he has appointments this morning with his patients. Everyone else is arriving soon, but Dan will probably be another hour yet, love. I promise you he’s coming though, he hasn't been scared off by the guest list, it was his idea! He’ll be here, sugarplum. I promise.”

Phil finally looked away from the door and looked at her, nodding in relief as he exhaled loudly. He shook his shoulders out and obviously tried to relax without his usual security blanket around to help him.

Louise hesitantly patted his shoulder, and Phil smiled at her in reassurance. 

There was a knock at the door, and both Louise and Phil looked over to see Martyn standing there with a goofy smile, Cornelia peering around his elbow and waving.

“Little brother, happy day of birth!”

Phil grinned at him and pushed off the bed, walking over to Martyn and holding his arms out for a hug. Martyn stared at him, wide eyed, and after Louise nodded reassuringly at him, he let himself hold his arms out too, holding his breath and Phil gently hugged him. The two brothers stood there hugging for what felt like hours before they each pulled away, Martyn sniffing loudly and not even bothering to wipe the tears from his eyes as he stared at Phil.

Phil gave him a small smile and Martyn laughed a little, sniffing again.

“Little brother, it’s your birthday, not mine.”

Phil shrugged, grinning and Martyn laughed again, exhilarated at his brothers progress.

“I suppose, you’ve always been the more giving brother, Phil.”

They both stood smiling at one another for a second before Phil turned to Cornelia and awkwardly held his hand out for a high five. They all burst into laughter and Cornelia lightly slapped his hand, grinning at him.

“Mum and Dad are on their way, Phil, they got a flight from the Isle of Man and it got in 20 minutes ago. They shouldn't be far off.”

Phil nodded and smiled, bouncing his shoulders a little in excitement as the door opened again, this time with PJ walking back in, followed by Hazel and Jack.

“Hi, Phil!” Hazel sang, dropping a present on the table. Phil grinned in their direction and waved, swinging his legs as he sat on he bed next to Louise. 

“They won’t come over too close to you, Phil, they won’t want to upset you. Do you want me to call them over so you can give them a high five or a hug, or have you pushed it too far today?” Louise whispered lowly.

Phil pondered for a moment, before he shook his head, looking a little disappointed in himself. Louise smiled reassuringly at him and reached out hesitantly, patting his knee twice before pulling away.

“Don’t push it, Phil, I’m so proud of you for knowing your limits, love,” 

Sophie walked in and waved at Phil as she made her way over to PJ, reaching up on her tip toes to press a kiss into his cheek.

The group had all dragged chairs and bean bags into a circle, and were sitting and chatting happily amongst themselves when the door had opened with a loud squeak. The room fell into silence as they all turned to look at the door, and Mr and Mrs Lester were standing there, a nervous but hopeful look on both of their faces. 

Phil turned to look at Louise, breathing a little heavier and she smiled reassuringly at him.

“It’s okay, love, just take your time. They’re your parents, they love you no matter what. They understand that because they don’t see you as much as us, it’s harder. No pressure, babes - you CAN do this, though.”

Phil looked down at his lap for a second, breathing out loudly for a moment before nodding resolutely and pushing off the bed. Everyone sat in complete silence as Phil padded through the room, dodging the bean bags and people scattered around the room before stopping in front of his parents. Louise felt her breath catch in her throat as Phil stared at the ground, before finally, FINALLY, lifting his head and looking his mother straight in the eye.

Mrs Lester burst into tears almost instantly, covering her mouth with her hand and staring at Phil in shock, as he smiled at her with teary eyes himself.

Mr Lester wiped his eyes and cleared his throat, and Phil looked at his father, before hesitatingly holding out his arms. Both his parents just stood there, completely in shock and terrified of sending Phil reeling backwards. Phil waited with his arms out for a minute, before he sighed dramatically and then wrapped an arm around each of them, pulling them both in for a hug.

Martyn wasted no time in bursting into a round of applause, the rest of the room quickly following suit and Phil pulled away from the hug, grinning at his brother as Mrs Lester tried to clean up her face.

“It’s good to have you back, son.” Mr Lester said in a shaky voice.

Mrs Lester cleared her throat. “We love you, Phil, I love you so much, my boy…” She burst into tears again as Phil reached forward and patted her cheek, and Mr Lester laughed gruffly. 

“Alright, Martyn, have you got a seat for your folks or what?”

The next hour or so passed by in a blur, as everyone was able to catch up and chat, the most comfortable they have all been as a group since Phil had been admitted to the hospital years again. The further into the afternoon it got, though, the more anxious Phil seemed to get, fidgeting more and more and turning to look at the door every second minute.

When the door burst open the entire group breathed out a sigh of relief and Dan ran in, panting and holding plenty of presents in his arms.

“Hi, hello, sorry Phil, every single fucking patient I had wanted to make small talk, oh shit, sorry Phil’s parents for swearing, I didn’t realise you were here, sorry, Happy Birthday, hi!” He placed the gifts on the floor and held out his arms to catch Phil as he ran into him, hugging tightly in the middle of the room. Dan chuckled as he heard the room let out an ‘aww’ in unison and he flipped the bird at PJ who was smirking and cooing at him.

He pulled away from Phil, leaning back so he could see his face and grinning at him.

“Oh shit, Philly, you've got wrinkles and grey hair, you’ve aged!”

He poked his tongue at Phil who flicked him in the forehead before taking his hand, pulling him into the corner of the room. Dan had a feeling what was going on, what with so much happening this morning and when Phil started immediately tracing down his face, he knew Phil was struggling.

“There’s a lot of people in here, huh? You feeling a little overwhelmed?” Phil nodded, gently dragging his finger down Dan’s nose and breathing in deeply.

“Overwhelmed as in, get these people out now, or overwhelmed as in I’m okay and I’ll be fine, just give me a minute?”

Phil held up two fingers, and Dan smiled at him before pressing a kiss to his forehead, ignoring the cooing from the others.

“Second one. Okay, you brave little shit. I’m here now, I’m not going anywhere, so if it’s too much you just tell me, okay?”

Phil nodded, and Dan let his eyes flutter shut as Phil kept tracing his features, calming himself down now that his security blanket was here.

He could hear Louise explaining in a quiet, hushed tone to the group what exactly was happening, and Dan could feel their eyes on them. Which, fair enough, one guy super sensually touching another guys face and body was probably a really weird fucking sight.

“And that helps him stay sane?” Jack asked loudly.

Dan’s eyes flew open, enraged. First of all, Phil wasn't fucking crazy - he had always been sane. Second of all - Phil was RIGHT FUCKING HERE, and could hear every word that was being said.

He turned his head to give bloody Howard a piece of his mind, when Phil grabbed his chin and pulled him back to face him, shaking his head slightly with a smile.

“Phil…you aren't crazy.”

Phil nodded, smiling even bigger and shrugging his shoulders.

Dan sighed. “You don't care? He doesn't know what he's saying, Phil…I’m sure he doesn't mean it to come across like that.”

Phil nodded his agreement, smiling calmly at Dan as he ran his fingers through Dan’s fringe gently, pushing it all back and pressing a kiss onto Dan’s forehead. Immediately, he felt his anger slip away and he closed his eyes, smiling.

“Alright, Philly, but if you want me to beat him up, you let me know.”

Phil giggled as he dropped his hands to his lap, nodding and Dan grinned at him. Phil stood up, holding out his hand, and when he pulled Dan up they walked back to the group, before Dan walked over to Phil’s parents.

“Hi, Mr and Mrs Lester. How are you?”

He shook Mr Lester’s hand firmly and went to shake Mrs Lester’s hand, but she pulled him in for a hug and pressed kiss to each of his cheeks. He could hear Martyn and PJ guffawing in the background as his cheeks burned red, and he smiled at her as she let him go.

“We can never thank you, Dan. Truly.”

Dan shook his head, looking over at Phil who had sat next to Louise and Sophie, and was clearly listening carefully to a story Hazel was telling. He couldn't help but compare this Phil to the one he had met weeks ago, and he blinked hard to get rid of the mistiness in his eye as he looked back at the parents.

“You don't need to.”

Mr Lester gripped his shoulder firmly and patted it twice, before leading Mrs Lester back to their chairs.

Dan felt a little out of place now, and he turned around, trying to fight the rising anxiety in him as he looked at everyone chatting animatedly. 

“Dan, there’s a seat here!” Cornelia called out, and he smiled as Phil turned to him with a big grin and waved him over. Instantly, he felt like he could breathe.

“Hey Philly, should we open your presents?” He asked, the rest of the group looking over at him. Phil’s smile fell as he looked past Dan and then back to him.

“What?” Dan turned around, and was shocked to see that the presents Dan had brought in, as well as the other gifts that had been in the room, had all disappeared.

“What the fu-hell?!” He exclaimed, quickly remembering that Phil’s parents were in the room.

He ignored the sniggers behind him and turned to Louise.

“Where’d the presents go?”

Before Louise could answer, a Nurse walked into the room. Dan recognised her as one of the relief Nurses that worked shifts here and there, but couldn't even remember her name.

“Excuse me, Nurse, did you happen to see a present-stealing thief in here?”

The Nurse smiled tightly at him. “I’m sorry, Sir. It overwhelms the patient to open all the presents at once, as there are too many new things introduced to this room. Not to worry, though, we will unwrap the gifts and give them to the patient one at a time over several weeks.”

Dan gaped at her for a second, outraged. “Well, no wonder the poor guy has been diagnosed with chronic depression! You're taking away his fucking birthday presents!”

The entire room fell into silence and the Nurse narrowed her eyes at him. You could hear a pin drop, and The Nurse opened her mouth to respond, when a loud burst of laughter broke the silence.

Everyone in the room turned to stare at Phil, completely gobsmacked as he cracked up laughing, before standing up and running to Dan, wrapping his arms around him and laughing loudly into his neck. Dan grinned as well, wrapping his arms around Phil’s shaking form before looking back at the Nurse.

“I’d like to speak to Doctor Nicholas, right now. Thank you.”

Dan shushed him, sniggering quietly as well as Doctor Nicholas was brought in. 

“Ah, Howell. Why are you terrorising my Nurses today?”

“Well, firstly, Nurse Sour McSour Pants is a cow and deserved to be treated as such. Secondly, what is your childhood trauma, Doc?”

Doctor Nicholas was fighting a smile as he shook his head, questioning Dan.

“Well, my mistake. I just assumed that you must have had to face some form of childhood adversaries to do with birthdays or gift-giving events, considering you’re stealing all of Phil’s presents.”

Phil let out a bark of laughter again, pushing his face further into Dan’s shoulder to muffle it and Dan grinned despite himself.

Doctor Nicholas let out a small laugh as well, raising his hands in defeat. 

“Fair enough. Phil, I can assure you I wasn't stealing your gifts, but would you like them all back?”

Phil pulled away from Dan, his face red and tears in the corners of his eyes as he took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. He nodded firmly, smiling at Dan happily as Dan grinned back at him.

Minutes later, the presents were brought back into the room, and Dan cheered loudly while Phil clapped his hands in joy.

Phil walked over to the presents to start inspecting them and Dan watched him, smiling, until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and Martyn was there, looking at him.

“You know, I never would have even thought to argue with anyone over Phil’s care. I just assume that they know best, you know?”

Dan nodded sheepishly, suddenly realising that he had more than likely (definitely) overstepped.

“Look, you're right, I’m sorry-”

Martyn shook his head. “Don’t be, Howell. You know him. You get him. We all knew him then, and we’ll get to know him again. But you know him now. This Phil needs you to fight the battles he isn't ready for, and we don't even realise need to be fought. But you do. You get him, and I’m so fucking impressed and thankful for you.”

With that Martyn went and sat down, grabbing a gift and pushing it in front of Phil as everyone sat down to watch him open his presents. Dan stood there for a moment, smiling, until Phil looked up and waved him over impatiently.

Dan chuckled. “Alright, jeez, bossy much?” He walked over and sat down next to Phil, fighting to hide a smile as Phil burrowed into Dan’s side and started ripping open the first gift.

Some time later, everyone’s gifts were opened, until the only ones left were the 20 or so presents wrapped painstakingly neatly in plain brown paper. Phil looked at Dan and Dan frowned at him.

“Come on now, Lester, you don't think I bought these for you, do you? Obviously they're for PJ,” he joked, as Phil punched him lightly in the arm and PJ laughed.

Dan grinned at Phil, nodding in encouragement as he ripped the wrapping paper off.

He opened the first several presents, clapping and grinning at the plushie blobfish, lava lamp, assortment of fake plants, sweets and the Nintendo DS with 8 games, before he got to the third last gift.

He opened it to reveal a portable DVD player, and the entire room oohed and ahhed as Phil stared at it in shock, before looking up at Dan.

“Look, if I have to read one more fucking dragon book with you I’m going to lose my fucking mind, Philly. I figured we could watch some cool shit instead?”

Phil nodded and wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug, before pulling back and going to take it out of the box.

“Phil, I’m glad you like it, but how’s about we open the other ones first, yeah?”

Phil blinked before nodding enthusiastically, pushing the DVD player into Dan’s lap before grabbing the next one.

He actually let out a squeak of excitement as he opened both the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel boxset, and he tackled Dan in another hug while Dan laughed.

“I remember how much you used to be obsessed with these stupid fucking shows in high school, dork, and I’ve never seen them. Figured it was about time you show me your dark side.”

Phil smiled at him, pressing a thumb into Dan’s dimple before slowly reaching in and kissing his cheek in a thank you, while the rest of the room fought madly to hide their smiles.

Dan pulled away, seeing the lights flick off and Louise walk in with candles lit on a cake.

“Happy Birthday, Philly.” He whispered, as everyone burst into song.

He watched Phil’s face, glowing in the light of the candles and when he blew them out, he couldn't help but make a wish as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ
> 
> hey guys, i really hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> and with that, im going to get to the bad news (not like life destroying bad, dont fret)
> 
> as i mentioned in an earlier chapter, i am in the process of moving from australia to london with a friend. that time has come around, and i leave on thursday.
> 
> what this means, is i dont know for sure when the next chapter is coming.
> 
> i am holidaying in tokyo for a week before i head to the uk, and i have two weeks in a hotel before i move into my house.
> 
> i dont know when i will have reliable wifi again. i may have it in tokyo, or the first day i get to london. but i also may not. i am hoping to still upload every week, but i cant guarantee that that is whats going to happen because i dont know whats to come.
> 
> please be patient with me. i promise, IM COMING BACK. i have too many friends who would kill me slowly if i didnt! it might be back next week, or next month, i dont know. but i AM coming back.
> 
> i will reply to comments asking questions if i can to reassure you that im around - obviously ill have wifi at certain places such as coffee shops, and i can reply to comments on my phone so i will. ill try and let you guys know asap what is happening.
> 
> thank you for sticking by this story and i really hope you like this chapter.
> 
> have a really good few weeks and stay safe and happy pals x


	23. Chapter 23

"Phil, I’m honestly only here for more of that birthday cake, and now you’re telling me you ate it all without me?!”

Phil grinned at Dan sheepishly, nodding his head and laughing as Dan flopped back onto the bed dramatically with a loud sigh.

He laid there for another moment, closing his eyes in self pity before pushing up off the bed quickly.

“Right, well I have no further reason to be here, so I’m off,”

He started walking to the door and burst out laughing when Phil attacked him from behind in a hug, arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

“Leave me alone this once, Philip. You've betrayed me.” His words were clearly proved to be lies as he pulled Phil closer to his body, smiling as he felt him snuggle his head into Dan’s shoulder.

They stood in silence for minute, completely still and just enjoying being in one another's company before Dan turned slightly, pulling away from Phil and smiling at him.

“Righto, Philly. What are we doing today? Should we start that stupid show you seem to love so much?”

Dan laughed as Phil promptly whacked him over the head, an indignant look on his face.

“Yeah, fair play Lester. I earned that one. Come on, all jokes aside I'm excited to start the bloody Vampire show - did you charge the DVD player last night like I told you?”

Phil nodded and trotted off immediately to fetch it from the other side of the room, skipping back with it under his arm and a big grin on his face. Dan couldn't help but grin back, Phil’s obvious enthusiasm catching.

“Alright, where are we doing this?”

Phil jumped onto his bed, wasting no time in curling onto his side and placing the laptop next to him, patting the bed impatiently. Dan laughed again and climbed onto the bed next to him, turning his body to mirror Phil’s.

“Wait, don't we need to put the fucking disc in?” Dan asked, starting to sit up before Phil grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back down, smiling sheepishly as he hit the on button. The DVD almost immediately started to play and Dan burst out laughing as he realised that Phil had had the disc sitting in the player for some time now, just waiting for Dan to agree to watching it with him.

Phil shushed him quickly and Dan settled back into the bed as Phil hit play, the crappy quality of 90’s television starting across the screen. Phil grinned as the first notes of the show started to play and Dan couldn't help smiling too as he felt Phil’s hand twist into his.

Four episodes later, Dan was completely obsessed and Phil is struggling to keep his eyes open, which irritated Dan to be completely honest, because he NEEDS TO WATCH MORE; but enough about that.

He swallowed back his frustration and switched it off, running his fingers through Phil’s fringe and smiling at Phil as he blinked sleepily back at him.

“Night night, Philly.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Days passed. Weeks passed. Time stretches into months as Dan and Phil grow closer and closer. Dan told story after story, sometimes crying from laughter at the memories of him and his friends and sometimes crying in real, overwhelming sadness as he talked about his family and past. Phil listened carefully and intently, constantly captivated by every word that fell out of Dan’s mouth, no matter what it was about.

They finished Buffy, and moved onto Angel, Dan being too emotionally invested and screaming at the tiny screen in frustration far too many times while Phil just watched, amused and fond over Dan’s dramatics.

They perfected headstands and moved onto cartwheels, Doctor Nicholas patching up Dan’s knee when he cut it on the bookcase after becoming too ambitious and trying a roundoff. Phil was torn between finding the situation hysterical and being incredibly concerned for Dan’s wellbeing, so he satisfied the two by sniggering quietly while gently petting Dan’s hair.

Phil practiced looking people in the eye for more then a few seconds at a time, first Louise and PJ, and then when they became easy an array of Doctors, Nurses and friends that troped through the door, all leaving significantly more hopeful than they were before that Phil was getting better.

There were bad days. There were days when Phil couldn't sit still, and days when he would cry for hours for reasons that Dan could never fully be sure of. There were days when Phil would shut Dan out until he realised he wasn't going anywhere, and days when Phil couldn't bear getting out of bed. Those were the worst days.

But there were better days. Ones where they played cards, and battleship, and whatever other board games Dan dragged into the room that particular afternoon. There were days when Dan brought in huge, blank canvases and pots of paint and they went nuts, painting flowers and rocket ships and aliens by dipping their fingers into the paint and swirling it over the canvases, signing their work with their handprints and hanging them on the wall to distract from the white. There were days when Dan would sing, loudly, to whatever song was stuck in his head and Phil would hold his sides and laugh but would also stare at Dan with a look of complete exasperation and fondness that only Phil could deliver.

There was the day last week when Phil pulled out a calendar from god knows where and pointed at Dan’s birthday insistently, giving Dan a firm look when he groaned and shook his head emphatically. The next day the calendar was hung on a wall and marked clearly, and Dan knew something was up.

Dan walked into the room, catching Phil around the middle in a hug as he closed the door behind him.

“Philip Lesty, my favourite bean, how are you today?”

Phil gave him a thumbs up, smiling big and toothy as he sat back down on the floor, facing the wall. Dan froze for a moment, his mind flicking back to the first time he had walked into this room and Phil had been sitting in the exact same spot.

After a moment, Phil waved his hand out to Dan, shaking it back and forth to get Dan’s attention and Dan shook his head, sitting across from Phil in a mimicry of their first meeting at the hospital, so long ago.

Phil frowned at him, and cocked his head to the side, confused as to why Dan wasn't sitting next to him, cuddled up as normal.

Dan smiled.

“Right, Phil. I know I normally like to let you choose what to do, but I’m feeling greedy so I want to tell a story, okay? Indulge me, I beg of you.”

Phil grinned at him, crossing his legs and watching Dan patiently.

Dan exhaled loudly.

“So, there was this one day, Phil, where I was just living my best self. I had had a nice morning. Ate a little breakfast, drank a little tea, painted a little commission. Sounds like a picture perfect day, yes? And then, my email rang out with a little ding dong.”

Phil giggled quietly, pushing Dan's shoulder and Dan laughed, stopping the jokes.

“So I was summoned to the hospital, basically. Warren needed my help with some patient of his and so off I trotted, on my merry little way to St Andrew’s, and long story short, I found you.”

Phil’s eyes lit up and he smiled at Dan, realising exactly what story this was.

“I could see you through the mirror over there - you know it’s glass on the other side, right?”

Phil nodded. 

Dan sighed, relieved. “Oh good. I was worried you were going to lose your shit and decide you don't trust anyone anymore, and holy fuck that could have gone wrong. Well, anyway, you were sitting there, staring. You were sitting on the floor in the middle of this room, rocking back and forth, back and forth. Your knees were drawn up and your arms were wrapped around your knees, squeezing so tightly I thought your legs were going to drop off.”

“And then I was dragged out of the room, and told I had to sign confidentiality clauses and all sorts because I wasn't allowed to know you were here - and then somehow, I fought my way back in here.”

“When I came in, you were sitting just like this. Cross legged, staring at a plain white wall. You were rocking so much I’m surprised you didn't get motion sick, and you were drumming on your legs so loudly I’m quite frankly shocked the person in the next room over didn't start having a rave.”

Phil snorted, ducking his head as Dan painted the picture.

“You looked like a complete mess, to put it frankly, Phil, and even though I talked the whole time I didn't really think you were taking any of it in. And then, right as I had completely given up hope, you reached for me.”

Phil looked up at him through his lashes, smiling and Dan grinned.

“No one believed me, Phil! I think they were all so convinced that you weren't going to react that they just blocked it from their minds. But I know you did. You did, right?”

Phil chuckled and nodded firmly, grinning openly at Dan now.

“Well, thank fuck you did, because I don't think I ever would have walked back into this room, Philly. Well done for being brave.”

Phil scooted forward, holding his hand out again and Dan grinned back at him, grabbing his hand tightly.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Phil.”

“You used to sit and stare at nothing, and you couldn't sit still and I'm sure you couldn’t even THINK about looking at anyone in the eye. You were sad, and scared, and broken, Phil. But here you are.”

“You’re sitting there, looking at me, smiling and laughing and holding my fucking hand, and you're getting better every freaking day. You’re doing things with purpose and making jokes without fucking speaking and hugging your friends and you're HERE, Philly.”

Dan laughed a little as he felt a tear slip down his cheek and Phil immediately climbed into Dan’s lap, pressing their chests together and wiping the tears from his face. Dan laughed again and Phil rested his forehead against Dan’s, the two breathing in perfect synchronisation for a few moments before Dan pressed his lips to Phil’s forehead, stilling there for what felt like forever.

“Phil, I know it’s probably painful and feels like it’s dragging on, but you ARE getting better. Every fucking day, I can tell you are more and more present, and I am so bloody proud of you. Every day you're improving, and you WANT to be better, and I can’t put into words how incredibly brave you are. You should be proud of yourself, Philly. I am, so, SO proud.”

Phil sniffed, tears rolling down his own cheeks now as he pressed his face into Dan’s shoulder. Dan shushed him half-heartedly, trying to blink away his own tears as he rocked them both back and forth.

“I promise, we’re going to get you out of here, Phil. Outside, in the world. I promise you.”

He pressed a light kiss to Phil’s hair and hummed quietly.

“We’re going to go and chase the sky, you and me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short and AWFUL and im so sorry but im here and im back 
> 
> if anyone is actually still hanging around HII HOW ARE YOU i missed you guys
> 
> i am SO sorry and updates are going to be a little sporadic but NEVER that long again!
> 
> also, i got a loooooot of messages from people wanting to see photos of my trip! i dont tend to post many on twitter but decided to share my instagram for those of you who wants to follow my moving-across-the-world adventure. so, it's taylaah_maree if anyone wants to know!
> 
> im so sorry this is so short and bad my god but im here and next one will be better i PROMISE
> 
> i love you guys x


	24. Chapter 24

Dan’s phone buzzed and he jumped, the noise deafening in his quiet flat. He smiled automatically as he saw Carrie’s face beaming at him as his phone continued to buzz, and he answered the call without a second thought.

“Good morning, Carr, can we pretty please-”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,” she screamed as Dan sighed loudly, regretting ever picking up his fucking phone to begin with.

“Carrie-”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN” he heard Chris join in loudly and he literally pulled the phone away as he heard Carrie’s tinkling laughter.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.” They finished in perfect harmony, and Dan lifted the phone back to his ear and revelled in the silence for a moment.

“…you done?” he deadpanned.

“Yep. All done, sweet cheeks. Happy Birthday love!”  
Dan smiled a little, despite himself. “Thanks, guys - even though every fucking year I tell you to pretend it’s not my birthday, and every fucking year you insist on ignoring that fact - thanks.”

Chris guffawed. “Yeah, but imagine if we did ignore that it was your birthday, Howell - you'd be butthurt for weeks. Anyway, what are the plans for today? We still seeing you for dinner?”

“Yeah, dinner sounds good. Literally nothing else planned, except for Phil, of course.”

“Ooooohhhhhh, Phiiiiil…”. Chris singsonged as Carrie shushed him in the background.

“I’m giving you the finger, Kendall.”

Chris laughed loudly and Dan smiled again, despite himself.

“Well, Dan, we best let you get on with getting ready. Given that you’re seeing Phil, of course, you’ll need to change your outfit at least 6 times and play with your hair for approximately 45 minutes before you can leave the house. Wouldn't want to interrupt.” Carrie said.

Dan laughed lightly, knowing that there was no point arguing the complete and honest truth and he hung up without another word, going into his cupboard because seriously - the fuck was he going to wear today?!

After a fairly ridiculous amount of time getting ready, he was climbing the hill to the hospital, whistling to himself cheerily and smiling as he got to the top without barely breaking a sweat. 

“Yeah, take that hill, you fucking dick.” He mumbled to himself as he made his way into the hospital.

“Daniel the Maniel, happy bir-“

Dan smacked his hand over Doctor Warren’s mouth and ignored his muffled cries of indignation as he shushed him loudly.

“Firstly, Warren, I wouldn't be quitting your day job because you're a bloody awful poet - ‘maniel’ isn't a fucking word, you dick. Secondly, if you tell me happy birthday, I’ll literally punch you in the penis. I will never understand what there is to celebrate about getting older. It just means I’m one year closer to my inevitable death and I haven't done anything to make my life any less insignificant, and why is that something to be happy about, like, there’s LITERALLY no point in - HEY!”

He pulled his hand away in disgust as he felt Warren’s slobber drip down his palm.

Doctor Warren chuckled gleefully. “Sorry Dan, but you were getting all crisisy, and I have not had enough coffee to handle that.”

Dan wiped his hand on his jeans, grimacing as Doctor Warren tried to smother his laugh.

“RIght, anyway, you better get going, Dan, your boy is going to be fretting that you've wound up back in the Emergency Room or something. Hop to it, kid!”

Dan shoved Doctor Warren’s shoulder lightly as he walked past him, feeling Warren’s gentle pat on his back as he went.

He checked his watch as he entered the isolation ward, quickening his pace when he realised he was 10 minutes late and pushing the door open without even sparing a glance at the front desk.

“Hey Philly, sorry I’m-“

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAN!”

Dan let out a shriek and clutched his chest as he took in the 15 or so people that had just jumped out from behind the couches, beds and other furniture. Black and silver streamers had been strung up all around the room and matte black balloons were scattered over the ground.

Dan stood there in shock as everyone continued to cheer, and he scanned the room, trying to stop himself from losing his shit and shouting at them all when he saw Phil’s face.

Phil, who was dressed in a button up shirt, a zebra patterned party hat sitting crookedly on his head and the biggest smile on his face Dan had ever seen. Phil, who didn't fucking talk, and who had clearly gone to this much effort to organise a surprise party for Dan in his own hospital room.

He felt all of his anger and frustration at his birthday slip away as he opened his arms and Phil ran into them, crashing into him with enough force to send him flying backwards. Everyone in the room let out their ‘awwws’ as Dan closed his eyes and pressed his face into Phil’s hair.

“You did all this for me?” he mumbled.

Phil pulled away and nodded brightly, grinning from ear to ear as he cupped Dans face with his hands and pressed his thumb into Dan’s dimple.

“Alright, Lester, I think we deserve the chance to hug him, don't be greedy now!”

Dan turned in shock to see Carrie’s cheeky face smiling widely at him, Chris next to her bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“What the fuck are you guys doing here?!”

Carrie jumped into his arms, wrapping her feet around his waist while Dan laughed loudly and spun her around.

“Where else would we be, Danny boy, its your birthday!” Chris yelled, hugging Dan from behind. Dan groaned.

“Don't fucking call me that, Kendall, we've been over this,” 

Carrie let go and landed on the ground, reaching up and planting a kiss onto Dan’s cheek. 

“Happy Birthday, my love.” she whispered, taking a step back. He hugged Chris back now, tightly, feeling him slap him on the back and wincing at the stinging pain. He pulled away and Chris laughed openly at him, ruffling his hair. 

Dan felt Phil press into his side and he wrapped an arm around him without a second thought, pulling him close.

“Chris, Carrie, you remember Phil, right?”

They both nodded at him, smiling widely as he waved happily at them with the hand that wasn't currently wound around Dan’s waist.

“It’s a pleasure to finally see you again, Phil. Honest. We’ve heard lots about you.” Carrie told him, and Phil ducked his head bashfully, hiding his face in Dan’s chest.

Dan laughed and pressed a kiss to Phil’s hair, overwhelmed with his three favourite people all in the same room.

“Hello, Daniel!” Dan turned and smiled at Louise, who was stunning in a floral party dress, a flower crown perched on her head and her arms outstretched for a hug. He embraced her, quickly whispering a thank you in her ear, knowing she would have dealt with being the one to call and convince his friends to come to a party filled with people they used to hate.

“Go and say hello to your other guests, Dan, we’re okay. Hazel was just telling me about a new cocktail she’s created - it sounds bloody deadly.” Carrie told him, shooing him away with her hands.

She winked at him as Dan grabbed Phil’s hand, reassured by her words and trusting that they would be okay without him and heading to say hello to PJ and Phil’s brother.

After an hour or so of socialising, Dan was pushed into a chair by Jack and Dean and presented with two piles of questionably wrapped gifts. He tried to suppress his anxiety over being the centre of everyone’s attention as he starting unwrapping them, Phil’s steady weight at his side a constant reassurance. He opened boxes of chocolates, candles, house plants, quirky lamps, piano books, a photo album from Carrie that he could only look at the first two pages before slamming it shut and promising to look at later while blinking back tears, and a plushie Shiba Inu that he was trying to hide how much he unironically loved.

Dan finished opening the last gift and thanked everyone profusely, overwhelmed with not only their kindness but how he genuinely liked everything he had been given, when Phil stood suddenly and walked to his bed, pulling out a box from underneath.

Dan looked at Phil, who was smiling nervously at him, and turned to face him properly, their knees pressing together.

What have you gotten me, Lester? Not another Dragon book, if it is, I swear…” he joked, as Phil laughed at bounced a little in his seat, impatiently.

He gently untied the ribbon from the box, and lifted the lid, and immediately felt his breath leave his chest as though he had been punched.

“Phil…oh my god.”

Sitting nestled unassumingly in the box, was a necklace.

The pendant hanging from the necklace was beautiful, with Dan’s star sign engraved clearly onto the front. It was the necklace, the one his father had tormented him with, years ago.

Dan ran his finger over the pendant gently, in complete wonder as he felt a tear roll down his face. 

Phil reached over to the pendant and flipped it over, and Dan let out a half sob, half laugh, as he saw his initials engraved on the back, with three words engraved directly underneath them.

He closed his eyes for a second, letting the three words wash over him for a second.

‘you are enough.’

The minute he opened his eyes he clutched the pendant in his hand and threw his arms around Phil’s neck, sobbing thank you over and over again openly into his shoulder. He felt Phil press kisses to the side of his head and he could hear the rest of the guests whispering to one another, trying to work out what the fuck was going on.

After a minute, he pulled away from Phil, completely overwhelmed, shaken and trying to pull himself together as he looked straight at Carrie and Chris, trying his best to ignore his embarrassment at everyone else seeing him so emotional.

“It’s…it’s my necklace.”

Both of their eyes widened in disbelief as everything clicked into place.

“Wait…he knows about that?” Carrie asked quietly.

Dan laughed a little, feeling Phil press closer against his side and wipe one of Dan’s tears from his cheek.

“He knows everything, Carr. He knows everything.”

Chris let out a low whistle. “Well, way to make all of our gifts look subpar, Lester, jeez.”

The rest of the group all laughed, Louise sniffling loudly and wiping her own tears.

“I was going to make a joke about your leaky eyes, Pentland, but I’d be a bit of a hypocrite, fucking hell,” he told her as he tried to get himself under control.

“Fuck, sorry everyone. Phil’s a little shit, he knew that would fuck me up.”

Phil grinned at him, ducking his head a little before going to grab the necklace and put it on. 

Dan stopped him after a moment, shaking his head.

“Phil, I love it, so much, you don't even know…but not yet. It’s enough that it’s here, and I’m holding it, but I think if I wear it now, I’ll have a breakdown and end up in the room next to you, and that’s not gonna help anyone.”

Phil smiled and nodded at him easily, before PJ stood up abruptly.

“Right, emotional gift giving, check. Next up, cake! Be back in a second, pallerinos.”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief as the rest of the group started chatting amongst themselves, and he turned to look at Phil.

“You’ll never know, Phil how much that means to me. I love it, so fucking much. You're brilliant, and kind, and thoughtful, and I am so fucking lucky to have you. Thank you.”

Phil pushed Dan’s hair back from his forehead, pressing a kiss onto his forehead and lingering there, both boys closing their eyes tightly.

The lights dimmed and PJ walked in, holding a black and white marble cake with candles glowing.

“Happy birthday to you,” he started singing, the rest of the group joining in. Dan looked over at the group of people around him, people he used to hate, people who scared and intimidated him, the people he loved and Phil. Phil, who was brave, and beautiful, and taught him more and more everyday about what it felt like to be happy. Who he fell more and more in love with every goddamn day. Who he couldn't ever imagine going through a single day without seeing, and he couldn't help but smile. 

What a weird fucking day.

They all ate cake, laughing and joking as if they had been friends for years and Dan found himself completely content on his birthday, for the first time in his life.

All of a sudden Phil pushed away from him and stood up, grabbing Dan’s hand and pulling him up as well.

“Fuck, Phil, I’ve eaten too much cake to be moving that fast, Jesus.”

The rest of the group watched the two of them curiously as Phil stared at Dan intently, before trying out letters onto his hand.

“One more present? Shit, Phil, I don't know if I can handle another one,” 

Phil smiled softly, and Dan couldn't help but smile back.

“RIghto then Philly, do your worst.”

They stood in silence for a moment, the rest of the room falling quiet as they all watched, waiting.

Dan opened his mouth to tell him to hurry up, when Phil opened his mouth too.

“Dan…Dan, I love you.”

Phil’s voice was croaky and shaky, cracking in the middle of words from disuse and it was still the most beautiful sound Dan had ever heard. Time seemed to stop and Dan couldn't move, couldn’t speak, couldn't even breathe.

Phil cleared his throat and closed his eyes. “I love you, Dan.”

Dan covered his mouth with his hand, tears springing to his eyes as he realised that everything he had been scared of, everything he wanted, was right there in front of him, telling him he felt the same way, in WORDS, that he hadn't spoken in years.

Dan blinked, as Phil stared at him, clearly panicking at Dan’s silence and tears welling up in his eyes as he looked down in obvious embarrassment. Dan shook himself, taking a stumbling step forward as he grabbed onto Phil’s arms.

“Phil, fuck, I love you too, I love you so fucking much, oh my god.”

Phil looked up at him with wide eyes and they stared at one another for a second before they were kissing, in a way that was both uncertain and new, and yet felt as familiar as coming home after a week away. Their arms were moving frantically from being wound tightly around one another, to hands running through hair as everyone around them cheered. He heard Nurse Alison and Louise both start sobbing and Doctor Nicholas wolf whistle, and he couldn't even bring himself to care.

Dan pulled away for a second, resting his forehead against Phil’s and laughing in disbelief while he held Phil’s face in his hands.

“I love you,” he whispered, closing his eyes in pure joy as he felt Phil’s lips grin against his.

“Dan…I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so nervous about this chapter guys, PLEASE tell me what you think, ive worked on this one for a while! i really hope it lived up to your expectations!
> 
> also, is anyone who reads this going to SITC??? i am and would love to meet up with some people, especially if you have the same meet and greets as me! hit me up on twitter or instagram!
> 
> twitter: @_hellohowell  
> instagram: taylaah_maree
> 
> i really, really hope you liked this chapter, im so nervous about posting it omg
> 
> have a great weeks pals, thanks for all the love on the last chapter


	25. Epilogue

One year later.

 

 

“Daniel, darling. Apple of my eye. Fire of my loins. My truest, most everlasting love. For the love of all that is holy, can you please hurry up and pick an outfit?!”

Dan sighed loudly and turned to face Phil, agony written all over his face.

“If only it were that simple, Phil. This is a momentous occasion, and I need to look the part, so stop hurrying me, damnit. I’ll be ready when I’m ready.”

Phil groaned, dropping to sit on the bed with his head in his hands. 

“It’s my own ‘year out of jail free’ party and I’m not even going to be there to enjoy it. Carrie had made the most wonderful desserts, too.” He grumbled mournfully.

Dan snorted. “Firstly, it wasn't jail, drama queen. It was a hospital. And we had a lot of good times there! Like, to mention just a few, the time you slept for literal days and I thought you were dead, the time I hurt my knee trying to do a roundoff, the time you broke my nose-”

“We don't need to relive them all, thanks, Dan, we can leave some out.”

Dan laughed. “But anyway, our guests are downstairs, Phil. You are more than welcome to make your way down and start the party without me. I won’t be offended - in fact, it might be nice to get ready in peace…”

Phil stood up and walked towards him, hugging him around the middle from behind and resting his chin on Dan’s shoulder. “You know I’m not going anywhere without you, mate, so don't think you can get rid of me that easily.”

Dan wrinkled his nose in disgust as he simultaneously leant back into Phil. “Mate? Really? You’re going to call me that after we broke the slats on this bed last night?”

A low whistle sounded from the door and both Dan and Phil turned to see Carrie and Louise standing in the doorway, grinning from ear to ear.

“Broke the slats, hey boys? Must have been having a gay old time,” Louise commented, winking.

“I’ll say,” Carrie agreed as she dropped to all fours and peered under the bed. “Shit, Lou, they weren't even joking, the slats are completely snapped!”

Phil hid his face in Dan’s shoulder, mortified as Dan laughed loudly, patting his back comfortingly.

“Phil, it’s okay. They know we have sex. Do the do. Stroke one another’s dolphin. Shake the sheets. Do the frickle frack-”

“DAN!”

Dan burst out in giggles again as Phil covered his mouth firmly with his hand, his face beet red while Carrie and Louise roared with laughter.

“I’m going to leave you, I swear to god, Dan. We’re done. I can’t deal with this type of torture any longer,” Phil told him as he pulled away and started towards the door.

Laughing, Dan ran after him and jumped onto his back, wrapping his legs and arms around him tightly as Phil staggered under his weight, groaning.

“Lay off the slice, Howell, Jesus.”

Dan scoffed. “Rude. I thought you loved me just the way I am.” He slid off Phil’s back, pouting dramatically as Phil whipped around and crushed him into his arms again.

“I do, I was only joking, you’re beautiful and I love you so much.” Phil murmured into his hair as Dan grinned, feeling himself dimpling while he closed his eyes.

There was a groan from the door. “You two are still in the fucking honeymoon phase, it’s disgusting. Get a fucking room.” Chris said.  
Phil frowned. “Pretty sure we did get a room, actually. A whole flat, in fact. You happen to be standing in it. Not just the flat, our room. To be clear.”

Dan snapped his fingers sassily. “You just got told, Kendall.”

Chris rolled his eyes good-naturedly as PJ poked his head around from behind him. 

“Pals, what’s the hold up? There’s a party happening downstairs and you’re all supposed to be there - particularly you two, Dan and Phil. People look at me funny when I’m the one to open the door and let them in to your flat.”

Louise laughed. “Yes, well, Dan, you haven't got a shirt on, love. Throw one on and then we’re all sorted, yes?”

“It is NOT that easy, Lou. We’ve tried for years to get Dan to get ready with haste - it’s just not in his nature.” Carrie scoffed.

Dan agreed with her, nodding his head as he started playing with his hair, squinting at his reflection in the mirror.

“I just can’t get this one piece to sit right.”

There was a collective groan from everyone in the room which Dan dutifully ignored, until Phil stood up abruptly from where he has sat back down on the couch.

“Right, desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“He needs another 40 minutes, minimum. No doubt about it.” Chris told Phil.

Phil cocked his head to the side, grinning. “I’ll bet you I can get him downstairs in 2 minutes flat?” Chris widened his eyes and shook on it, betting 20 quid without batting an eyelid.

“RIghto Carr, we’re off for ice cream tonight love, I’ve just earned the easiest 20 quid I've ever made.” He said, setting a timer on his watch.

The rest of the group watched as Phil walked towards Dan and pulled him down a little to his height, whispering in his ear. 

Dan’s face turned red incredibly quickly and he turned to look at Phil with a grin, grabbing a shirt from the dresser without even looking at it and threw it on, before taking Phil’s outstretched hand and allowing himself to be gently pulled downstairs.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Chris yelled as the others burst into laughter. 

“Hi everyone!” Phil called as they made it to the bottom, before letting go of Dan and going to hug his parents.

“Howell. A fucking word, if you will.” Chris called, and Dan turned to look at the group that had followed him down, before laughing and heading over there.

“Yes, Christopher?”  
“I want to know how the fuck he just got you down here in no more than 28 seconds. I know you didn't do that just so he could win, you’re too vain for that shit, so please, enlighten me.”

“Enlighten all of us, Dan. We’re invested now. We need to know.” Carrie told him, putting an arm around Chris’ shoulder and raising one eyebrow.

Dan shrugged. “He offered to rim me later.”

There was silence for a minute before the entire group burst into laughter, PJ actually crying real tears as he leant against Chris. 

“What are we laughing at?” Mrs Lester asked, smiling at Dan as he reached out to hug her.

“Nothing.” The four others chorused, while Dan shot them a thumbs up behind her back.

Hours later, as the street lights turned on and the party was winding down, Dan was happy. He was always happy now. He was in his home, had his friends around him, had his old enemies that were now his friends around him. He had Phil, pressed next to him in the morning, laughing and spraying toothpaste everywhere in the bathroom, writing soppy messages for him in the steam on the mirror, flicking flour at him while they baked. He had Phil curled up on the couch at night time, crying in his arms when it all got too much, tagging him in pictures of dogs from shelters. He had Phil. And he was happy.

He pressed his lips to Phil’s head and frowned in confusion as Phil stared at him, smiling.

“Dude…what? Have I got something on my face?”

Phil shook his head, still smiling. “No, Dan. You’re perfect.”

With that Phil stood up, brushing his hands on his jeans nervously. “Hey guys? Can everyone listen up for a minute?”

He waited until everyone was looking at him before turning back to Dan.

“Dan… you are the maddest, funniest, most caring, beautiful, and brilliant person I know. I don't know how to describe you and I. We’re just Dan and Phil. You’re the most interesting person I know. I could spend every second of my life with you and no one else and I would never be bored.”

“You get under my skin like no one else can. You drive me crazy…but you keep me sane. But you drive me the best kind of crazy, and I didn’t know that sanity could feel like this, and I was lost, and then so were you a little, but you found me and I was always there…but you made me stay there. And so now I’m here, but this time I’m really here. Like, really, really here, not just here. And I’m not running because you’re here too and I don’t want to run anymore, and I love you, and I’m never letting you go. And I know, I know that that made absolutely no fucking sense but I also know that it made perfect sense to you because it’s you and it’s me and it’s the nerd and the weirdo and I think its always kind of been you and me. And you see me, and you understand me, and I see you, Dan. I see every single part of your being and your soul and I’m so in love with all of it and so will you please marry me?”

There was absolute silence for a moment, as Dan stared at Phil, tears dripping down his face. He opened his mouth with a choked voice and gasped for a second, before finding his voice.

“Jesus Christ, yes, yes, fucking – yes, Phil, I’ll marry you you absolute tosser, you just made me cry in front of our friends and I’ll kill you for it but I’ll marry you first, oh my god, I love you so much,”

Dan threw his arms around Phil as everyone clapped and cheered loudly, Nicholas and Alison possibly the loudest of all.

Phil pressed his lips to Dan’s, over and over again. “I love you so bloody much, Dan Howell.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————————--------------------------------------

Phil’s POV

I wake up. It’s dark, so dark. There is no noise aside from the gentle hum of the computer, and my heavy breathing.

Breathe in. Let it out. In. Out. 

All of a sudden, I feel him. Lying next to me, chest rising and falling slowly as he sleeps. I turn to look at him, right as he frowns slightly and curls towards me a little more. My breathing is easier when I look at him. Everything is easier when I look at him.

In.  Out.  In.  Out.  In.

I brush his hair out of his eyes gently, and trace my fingers over his lips, pouting a little in his sleep. I smile as I scan down his body, seeing the tattoo, still fresh, right across his heart.

I still remember the day he said it to me. “We’re going to chase the sky, you and me.” he told me. That was the day I knew. I knew I loved him, and I wanted to be with him every second of every day. It was the day I decided to get better.

I see the three words inked delicately across his chest, ‘chase the sky’, rising and falling with every breath he takes. I look down at my own bare chest, smiling even more when I see the ‘you and me’ moving in time with his. I don't even notice that I breathe at the same time he does anymore. It’s like we are two halves of one whole. 

In. Out. In. Out.

I lie back down. The room isn't so dark anymore. Or maybe it is. Maybe I’m the one that is not so dark anymore. I think that it’s probably hard to be dark when you’re so happy all the time. I open my mouth to tell him that. To tell him that I'm here. To tell him that I’m here, and I’m happy, but then I close my mouth again. I think he knows that already. No, I know he knows that already. Of course he knows that already. It’s Dan. 

I pull him closer.

In. Out. In. Out.

I smile and press my lips to the back of his neck.

In. Out. In. Out.

I close my eyes. 

And finally, I rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so....this is it guys
> 
> i cant even begin to tell you how much this story has meant to me. i started it in a very low point in my life and it helped me work through SO much personal stuff. i have loved literally every second of writing restless and the fact that so many of you enjoyed it enough to read it the whole way through (some of you several times, ive heard) just makes it even more special to me.
> 
> if the last little bit from phils POV doesnt make sense to you, go reread the first chapter - i realise how long ago that was, lmao
> 
> i really, really cant thank you all enough for sticking by me and seeing this story through. i hope you loved it just as much as i did, and i hope you love the ending as much as i do (might have done a little cry when i wrote the last line but we dont need to talk about it).
> 
> i might come back to this universe and write a few oneshots here and there (let me know if you'd want to read those - if not though thats totally cool too) but for now, this is the end of restless. <3
> 
> stay happy and go chase the sky for me kids
> 
> \- taylah x


	26. surprise

so uh....

 

how would you guys feel about a sequel?

'chase the sky' is the story of the year in between restless and the epilogue and the first chapter is up right now. if you're still hanging around and want to know more, head on over. i hope some of you are still here <3

\- taylah


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